Submissive Sentiments

So this is...

2011-11-16T18:49:00.002-05:00

... what Tuesday feels like. Can't say I'm thrilled. Can't say I'm totally disappointed. Get back with me later in the day and I can probably make a better decision.

For now, I'm thinking about the lovely (note sarcasm) drive to work and I hear it is raining. All the freaks will be out this morning. I actually enjoy the rain. I love when it storms, the dark sky, thunder and lightning, and heavy downpour. I don't even mind getting wet as long as I don't have anywhere specific to be. Sitting at work all day soaking wet is not the best feeling in life. But, hey, I can roll with the punches if I have to.

On another note, I purchased some new foundation yesterday. I will see how it holds up and I'll write a raving review about it. I am also looking for that perfect "signature" lipstick. I realized I have about 20 different lip glosses, 10 different lipsticks and a handful of other lip implements. I can't say I love any one of them. Suggestions will be taken in the in box.

We have been given work t-shirts to wear. They sport the company name on the front and back and to be quite honest, they are awful. They're big and boxy and manly and I do not like the feel of them. Today I'm going to be a rebel and wear whatever I want to wear. Something feminine and girly. Well, at least something not so ugly. Makes me shiver thinking about them.

I did not sleep great last night. It seems like I woke up every hour thinking it was time to get up. All things considered, I feel pretty rested. I'm still waiting for my chance to be the domestic goddess, though. I will not even pretend. I was made to stay home and clean and cook and do laundry and bend over toilets and bath rubs scrubbing and dinner on the table.... you get the idea.

It is time. I guess I have to put my clothes on. I'm not sure how people would take it seeing me drive naked to work. Oh, what a giggle that creates imagining all my customers coming to my window and seeing me naked. Interesting day.

Unsettled

2011-11-16T18:48:00.002-05:00

I feel like a new chapter is going to be starting sometime soon. My life seems to be at a crossroads and I have to decide which path to take. Unfortunately I do not see a light on either path. It's a guessing game, a toss of a coin, a magic eight ball decision.

Lately I have been feeling unsettled. I can't say I'm gloom and doom, but I do have to wonder if I'm going through some kind of depression. It isn't like I'm miserable. I laugh and enjoy many things, but it just seems there is some kind of emptiness within. Something is missing and I can't even put a finger on it.

Maybe I'm expecting too much out of life? Maybe this is all there is? Is this really the best it gets? I have to hope that it isn't. I'm not willing to settle for this life I'm living. I demand more.

I know, I make my own happiness. I have to get up and out there and be active in doing what is best for me. I'll figure it out. I'm simply pondering, wondering and guessing. It will hit me like a brick wall sooner or later.

I'll wake up one morning and a brilliant light will be shining. I'll have all the answers. Until then I'll fumble my way around in the dark. Maybe I should put on a glow stick necklace.

Morning Time

2011-11-16T18:47:00.002-05:00

It's a peaceful beginning to my day. Everything around me is quiet except for the odd house noise or the random bark of the neighbor's dog. I enjoy this time of the day. I feel like I'm in control and yet shielded from the rest of the world. I realize there are others just like me, up and getting their morning started so early. But not here with me. My little cul-de-sac isn't alive yet so I feel like the world is mine. No one can touch me. No one can even come close. So, I enjoy it while I can. It is a contented lonely feeling. I know what is ahead of me, but right at this moment in time I don't have to face it. I am sheltered in the time between sleep and work, between reality and fantasy. This is all my time and I can do with it whatever I want.

Now or Later

2011-10-16T17:07:00.001-04:00

The smallest tidbit of information left out, the tiniest mislead, the changing of one word..... all still rounds up to being a lie if you know the other person would want to know and you know by not telling them you're saving your butt in some way.

I am black and white on that. There is no in between area. I do not lie and I don't want to be lied to. Keep it real. Be honest. Upfront. Blunt if you so desire.

The thing is if you do this, this intentional leaving out things, sooner or later it all comes out and that makes you look bad. Even the worst of problems go over better if you're honest from the beginning. The tiniest of issues explode if you don't reveal it and someone else does.

For me, there isn't a question about now or later. Now is always better. I do suppose some people prefer to take the chance and hope it never reveals itself. Some people get lucky on a few occasions.

However, most people talk and the people they talk to, well, they talk as well. It's a circle and things get around. The bad thing is that things also can get embellished. Unfortunately, since there is a piece of truth in there it becomes almost too late for the embellishment to not be believed as well.

So, when you're trying to sugar coat something or get what you want or weasel your way out of a situation, just do it and be honest. Take ownership. You might not end up getting things your way or exactly what you want, but you will maintain your character. I might not like you or what you did, but I will respect you more for the truth.

There. That's done. My morning rant before work.

This Man

2011-10-16T17:04:00.001-04:00

He tells me to hush when I interrupt him, reminding me that he is not finished talking. He can twist a few strands of hair around his fingers and I'm instantly ready for whatever he wants. He makes me a spitfire at times and I give him attitude, sarcasm and my mouth just spews forth so many words without even thinking. He laughs at me and forgives me. He takes me serious and reminds me. He brings out every mood swing in me that I could possibly have and he deals with each one separately, sometimes with a gentle word and other times with a firm tone.

I can see him just walking around and my body stirs with physical desire. Butterflies take over my stomach and flutter up and down. Hearing his voice gets me flustered and no matter what he says, for at least a passing second I think of naughty things. I think of all the deliciously bad things I want him to do to me. I think of all the sweet ways I want to treat him. I'm a muddled up, puddled up mess when he walks near me.

He treats me like a slut. My panties are already wet before he even grabs my pussy. He is perfectly fine with gagging me. He asks what I want and need, sometimes he gives it and other times he teases me, stringing me along for some indefinite amount of time. And he kisses me like he means it. He cuddles me close and holds me.

I get stubborn and I tell him no only to end up doing just what he asked of me. While I fight what he is doing to me, there is no doubt I'm totally giving in. He is protective and nurturing, caring and kind, demanding and giving. He brings me peace and when he places his hand on my cheek demanding that I listen to him and trust in him, I believe him. I believe in him.

He shares with me, all his thoughts and desires, his deepest secrets. I get insecure and he reassures me. He laughs at me and grins in wonder, shaking his head. He checks on me, cares for me and has great concern for my happiness and well being.

I could ramble on and on about this man. I hope he realizes what he has and what we can be. I'm trying hard to overcome obstacles and hope that the time promised doesn't lead to heartache. Placing myself in his hands leaves me very vulnerable. But sometimes in life you just have to take a chance.

2011-08-23T23:25:00.000-04:00

Today was my follow up visit with the surgeon. I was so happy when the nurse took the staples out of my stomach. The doctor says everything looks great and that I am free to go back to work on the 29th with no restrictions. Unfortunately he didn't give me the clear to take a full-on shower or bath for a few more days. He commented that the allergic type reaction I had to the bandages and tape looks far worse than the incisions. I told him that they feel even worse than they look and that it is itching and burning and driving me crazy.

So, I'm good to go, out of the clear and ready to try to get back to being me. I am excited about returning to work and yet on another hand I'm still thinking it would be nice to just be that domestic goddess I enjoy being. But alas, reality soaks in.

Life's Little Update

2011-08-21T23:27:00.000-04:00

Surgery is over and it is almost time to go back to work. I have just one more week to live the life of luxury. That's a bit of sarcasm in case you aren't catching on. It isn't like I was on vacation. However, I will say it was appreciated. My follow up visit is on Tuesday and I'm hoping it all goes well. I do miss working, but at the same time if I really did not have to work - I would not. :)

College starts tomorrow. I am a little nervous. I have four classes - two online and two in the classroom. I know I will do fine once I get over that initial period of having to use my brain and study and be organized. It will definitely put constraints on the free time I used to have. But I like being busy so I don't really mind. At least sitting here typing this tonight I don't mind. Ask me again in a couple of weeks and I might have a change in attitude.

My son and his girlfriend started the remodel on their new home today. They are pulling up all the carpets and doing hardwood floors. Or shall I say refinishing the hardwood that is there already. In a month or so they will be remodeling the basement which will become my happy abode for a while.

I had to take my daughter to the urgent care center today. Her dog bit her in the cheek. When I first saw it, I was freaked out. She had so much blood literally pouring out of her cheek that I thought half her cheek was ripped off. I immediately grabbed a towel and put it to her cheek, told her to get her flip flops and we had to go NOW. Fortunately once we got there and were seen it wasn't as bad as the blood made me believe. She's doing alright tonight and I'm relieved.

My Aunt's Passing

2011-08-21T10:09:00.002-04:00

My aunt passed away this morning. She went into the hospital early Thursday morning with pneumonia on top of her lung cancer. At approximately 9:55 a.m. she took her last breath. It was a sad moment. As I watched her trying to breath this morning I was really upset. She was so clearly struggling and fighting for each breath she took. The doctors and nurses were doing as much as they could to keep her comfortable in her last moments.

I was amazed, and yet not so surprised, at how many people came to see her over the past two days. So many people that I hadn't seen in years and twice as many that I didn't know. These strangers to me came to see her because at some point in their life my aunt had taken them in when they had no where to go, fed them, clothed them or offered some kind of care and support. She never asked anything in return and most often I know she could have used some help herself in some way or another.

My mom, another aunt and I went shopping for her. We picked out a beautiful dress that we knew she'd love. I've learned that funerals are for the mourners, but the funeral should represent the individual. My mom and aunt were a bit upset at first that instead of flowers on the casket, my aunt expressed to have an afghan spread out on it. I had to remind them that her wishes were important and we're not out to impress anyone. A few other things came up and I believe I finally made them both understand that a funeral doesn't have to be perfect - life certainly never is - so make her (my aunt) beautiful in that last viewing and say goodbye. Grief the loss of her, not the loss of useless flowers on the casket.

Good people come and go from our life in so many ways. I'm glad I have the memories I have and cannot express the importance of spending a little time with those we care about.

A Lesson

2011-08-21T10:08:00.002-04:00

My mother told me just yesterday that she read an article that stated how women up into their 70's and 80's still enjoy sex. The article went on to say how statistics show that many women get depressed or feel they are missing something when they go without.

This conversation took place while driving with my mom and her sister to go see my sick aunt. My mom then proceeded to tell us how long she has gone without sex. Then my aunt piped it on how long she has gone without. No wonder these women are crazy. ;)

Now keep in mind my dad passed less than a year ago. What's even worse is my aunt is still married, but they (aghast!) sleep in different beds in different rooms. I told them both I'd go find them someone to take care of their needs. I told them we could hit the toy store and purchase something fun for them. I think they were caught off guard a bit and embarrassed. They soon got over that and I couldn't believe this conversation was happening.

My aunt said she was picky. She spouted off how she would want someone sexy and fit. Of course I had to remind her that she was married and what did she really care what he looked like as long as he "gave it to her good!" She sputtered a bit and finally agreed that in that case it didn't really matter at all. I also reminded her that I personally wasn't condoning cheating, but I was all for sex and happiness, peace and love.

Since I don't really feel comfy fixing either of them up with a stud muffin, I figure the next best thing is a Hitachi Magic Wand.

So the lesson here is that if your girlfriend, your wife, your friend with benefits or whatever seems a bit off, depressed, upset or insane... give her some sex!

A Visit with My Aunt

2011-08-21T10:07:00.000-04:00

Last week my aunt was told she had just two months to live. Then a few days later she was told that the lung cancer was simply taking over and she probably has even less time.

I decided to take my mom to visit yesterday. We stopped by her other sister's house so she could come along. During our visit, everyone cried and talked a little about memories. My aunt's voice is barely audible and quite hoarse. It's obvious how much pain she is in and she can hardly move. She had an accident while there and felt so embarrassed.

The sadness I felt yesterday while visiting my aunt was a bit different. I don't want to lose my aunt, but it wasn't as selfish of a feeling as what I felt when my dad was ill and at his passing. I felt her pain and the terrible life she has lived. It was rushing all around us in that room. I was angry that her kids let her get to that point and didn't try to make things good for her. Not that they are God and certainly not that they can make the cancer disappear. But they could be good children in her last days. It's frustrating.

Her two remaining sons have been nothing but a drain on her. Even during this time, one of her sons took her pain medicine and sold it. Idiots that should be in jail. Through it all though, she loves them both. I guess she figures at this point let it all go and love.

She told her sisters how much she misses them when they are away. She held their hands. She dozed in and out of a sleepy state most of the time. Just in the time we were there, she took numerous medicines, breathing treatments and oxygen. When asked if she was hungry, she shook her head no. But when they asked her if she wanted her favorite food, a Taco Bell meximelt, she whispered, "just one" and ate it all when they brought it back.

She didn't act upset or angry or mad. I didn't get the sense that she regretted anything in her life. I could see a little sadness in her eyes. But as sick as she is, when she smiled the room still lit up. This woman who gave and gave and took on so much from everyone, and is dying from the horrible disease of lung cancer... she smiled.

It was awesome. Goodness knows, we can all take a lesson from her.

Early Morning Interlude

2011-08-21T09:52:00.003-04:00

She pulled into the dark parking lot and let the engine idle. Across the narrow street she could see various men going in and out of the restaurant, and she hoped none recognized her car. She felt embarrassed waiting there in the early morning darkness and yet her panties were getting damp from excitement.

It didn't take her a second to get out of her car and into his once he pulled up next to her. Sliding into the passenger seat, her face flushed and she offered him a sexy smile. Thinking of how much she wanted his dick, a small murmur escaped from deep within her throat. She tried to cover it with a cough of some sort and he simply laughed.

He just sat there and she wondered why he didn't pull away. The sun was starting to come up and she was nervous what the light would reveal to anyone paying attention. Obviously he didn't care. He unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out. She swallowed hard and looked around, shyly tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. He didn't hesitate as he grabbed her head and forced her beautiful mouth down on him. And dear almighty, she almost came right then.

Bent over the gear shift, the position was terribly uncomfortable, and yet she couldn't get enough of him. She shifted and moved, hungrily feeding on his dick there in the soon to be broad daylight. She bobbed and slobbered, letting drool spill out down her chin and over his balls. End pieces of her long hair got wet and she kept on. She wanted him deep down her throat.

Quickly he pushed her off of him, telling her to sit up and act lady-like. All this followed by his evil laugh. She pouted and grunted her disapproval as she straightened herself. Primping in the overhead mirror, she wiped a smudge of mascara from her cheek and fluffed her hair. He drove off without a word and she quietly watched him. His cock still stood free and proud. She reached over to touch him and he allowed her to stroke him a few times before he growled and told her to stop. Again, she pouted, and obeyed.

Squirming in her seat, she fidgeted with her hands, twisting her fingers and tapping her foot gently. He was driving her crazy. This fact was nothing new but always came as a surprise. She just wished he'd stop and put something in her. She didn't care which hole. She just ached and needed him.

Her mind wondered as he drove and when he stopped, she was surprised. Not really sure where they were, she couldn't see anyone or anything. However, traffic could be heard somewhere in the close proximity. He opened his door and told her to get out of the car. Instinctively she obeyed and followed him, trailing him like a sex starved slut. Her heels dug into the dirt and small pellets of gravel mixed with larger one kept her off balance.

He stopped suddenly and she bumped into the back of him. He turned and put her on her knees. It hurt as the gravel bit into her soft skin. She tried to shift, tried to pull her skirt down over her knees for protection. None of it worked. He forcefully rammed his cock in her mouth and started face fucking her. She couldn't focus, afraid someone would appear she pushed at him gently and then grabbed his ass for support. He kept fucking her face and she soon forgot anything else.

He slowly eased up and let her take over. Her left hand circled his thickness and she started slowly stroking him. Her warm mouth covered his head and with each hand stroke her mouth took him in deeper. This continued for several minutes before she let her hand fall. Wrapping both arms around his body, her fingers dug into his ass as she pulled him close, taking his cock deep down into her throat.

She gagged, relentless she kept him there and moaned as his hips thrust forward. He made noises, grunted and moaned a few times. He quickly withdrew and shot his load on her face. Unexpected and caught off guard, his cum covered parts of her cheek, nose and lips. A small drop hung from her chin. She looked up at him, wiping her chin with a finger and licking it. His eyes were shut and his hand still held his penis. She leaned in and suck his head, inspiring a shiver from him.

He helped her up and looked at her. As she stood there, he could feel his loins growling with hunger for her again already. Cum covered, hair a mess, bits of gravel embedded in her knees and clothes disheveled - the picture perfect slut for him. He grinned as she was more worried about wiping and licking the cum from her face than she was about her knees scratched and bleeding.

Just as they got back in the car, she realized that they were simply on the backside of the parking lot of his work. Anyone could have come across them. She started to get excited again. Taking her back to her car, he gave her the rules for the day. She noted them all to memory just as he all but tossed her out of his car and told her to get her slutty ass home. The walk of shame that six feet to her car felt like one hundred feet as his co-workers were coming out of the restaurant.

2011-08-21T09:51:00.000-04:00

It has been some time since I've written anything. I took a nap earlier and now find myself unable to sleep. Morning will come early and despite the nap, I will still be tired. Doctors, hospitals, medicines, work and a few people have had me a mess since mid-February. I have another surgery scheduled for August 12 and hopefully that will be it. I am ready to be on the track to better health and a life filled without too many doctors. Although, goodness knows that lung doctor is a hot one!

Work still kicks my butt and at the end of the day I'm completely worn out. The added high temperatures and crazy humidity is enough to make me cry out for a sugar daddy! So far no one is listening, though. ;) Lately I have had to deal with idiots at work. When I first started there everyone told me it wouldn't take long for the customers to drive me insane. I think what they meant to say is that it wouldn't take long for my co-workers to make me want to curse and pull my hair out.

The men at work gossip like a bunch of bored old women on a party line phone. I am the work whore they say and apparently I am in competition with another woman there. I have never been a whore in my life. Except that one time with that one man, but then it was really more like just being his personal whore. Anyway, those men can burn up the radio and CB like there's no tomorrow. I went out with someone at work and that is where my problem started. Plus, not to mention the work ratio of man to woman is about 100 to 1. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is now the rumor is that I have a different man from work for every day of the week. What the idiots fail to realize is, I have much higher standards than that and if they really factored in how much I have been sick, I don't have the time or energy for them. I was pretty upset when I heard this rumor. Not so much because someone dared to think I might be a "whore" but because they lack the intelligence to really know me or what's the truth. I have decided they aren't worth my energy in any regard and they can say whatever they want. I know what is true.

I am just a drifter right now in so many ways. I find myself having highs and lows and yet I'm okay with everything going on in my life and around me. I am learning new things about myself and people in general, about health issues and life.

I find myself changing and evolving. I'm still the same me, but different in some regards. My mind is a bit more open and I am certainly less judgmental. Oh, and I'm more outspoken and try much harder to not sugar coat things.

Other than that, not a lot going on. Kids are doing great. Daughter started a new job, got a new car and is doing wonderful. Son started a new job, buying a house and is doing wonderful as well. I'm so proud they're growing into such mature, responsible, content and good adults. I'm not biased either. They really are. :)

My dad's birthday and my parents anniversary has come and gone. My mom did okay through it all. She still has her moments and I know she misses him something fierce at times. She's a tough cookie and I am proud of her. She has been venturing out and doing things. This weekend we are going to visit her sister, my aunt with cancer. She was told today that she has two months. Some things in life suck.

SA - TUR - DAY

2011-04-11T20:20:00.004-04:00

Remember the Bay City Rollers? "Gonna keep on dancing to the rock n roll..."
Well, that isn't going to be MY Saturday night. More like "Work all day, sleep all night..." I lead such a thrilling life. If it wasn't for work there would be no life at all.

Work has been consuming me and I think I need to make an adjustment if possible. I have been working anywhere from 50 to 66 hours a week. I'm too delicate for that. ;) I want to be barefoot and naked in the kitchen trying to get pregnant (and no, I can't get pregnant, don't want to... just a saying.) I want to romp on the beach and dig my toes in the sand or take a walk through a creek deep in the mountains. There are so many other things to do besides work, but alas it pays the bills and I do enjoy aspects of it.

Like right now, the moment in time when I'm ready for work but not dressed, sitting on my bed relaxing and enjoying the quiet of the morning. Or the customer that is taken back by my smile and he smiles in return, offering a kind word. Or the laughter I get when the burly men in the yard pretend to let me be the boss! It's all the simple pleasures in life.

Better take the time to enjoy them.

2011-04-11T20:19:00.004-04:00

I went to visit my aunt today for her birthday party. She will be 69 tomorrow. When I walked in the door, I saw her before she saw me. In that brief second I felt an overwhelming sadness. She sat there in her chair looking a little tired and she only had a few tufts of hair. All of her beautiful red hair from years gone by was gone and replaced by a patch of grey here and another very thing one there.

Then she saw me and her beautiful face lit up with a smile that could light up a city. She never ceases to amaze me. As I posted previously, she's had a rough life, but my gosh she continues to smile and laugh as best she can.

The strokes, the cancer, the chemo and life in general have taken their toll on such a kind woman. It's often difficult to understand how things work, why some people and not others.

Throughout the day kids and grandkids, family and friends popped in and out bringing memories, gifts, food and hugs. Her birthday cake was pink with bright daffodils on it and a very childlike demeanor revealed itself. She was simply in awe.

At one point she called me into her room and showed me various things. She finds pleasure in the smallest and most simple things. We laughed a bit before she said that sometimes she really does want to scream and curse. I told her to feel free, just do it and let it out. She said, "I could, you know.. I could. But I won't." And that moment of anger was soon gone and she lifted her head, smiled and went on like her world was a dream and she the princess.

She showed us her hats and her favorite is a black, what I call "diva" hat with rhinestones on it. When she tried it on and did a little modeling, she actually shimmied in a dance a bit before her body reminded her those things were no longer possible.

Cancer is evil, but I'm so very happy to see that she refuses to let the evil take total control. I'm even more happy I took the time to visit. Wonderful people like her deserve the good bits of happiness they can get.

YAY for Friday

2011-04-11T20:19:00.001-04:00

I am excited, thrilled and happy today is Friday. It has been a long week and I'm ready for the weekend and nothing. It is difficult for me to sit still at times, but I am going to relax this weekend. Come rain or shine, I am going to get take out, rent a movie or two, read a few chapters and seriously pamper myself.

My day yesterday was tough in a few ways, very nice in a few other ways, and I made it through. Bleeding and a low grade fever last night had me a little nervous, but this morning I woke feeling much better. I suppose I really should have listened when the doctor told me it could take three to four weeks before I'm completely healed and better. He knows his stuff apparently.

The weather is getting nicer and I'm ready for summer in hopes to escape a few weekends here and there. I'd love to be able to take a long vacation to the beach, preferably some isolated beach with white sand and clear blue waters. It is hard to believe we are on the way to seeing the end of March already. Time flies.

That's about all I'm feeling today. Have a good one....

2011-04-11T20:18:00.001-04:00

Bad start to an otherwise good day. Sounds funny, huh? Toilet was filled with bright red blood this morning. That isn't suppose to be happening. Some spotting is expected, but otherwise there shouldn't be any. I have a call into the doctor.

I realize I share an awful lot and appreciate those that comment. It helps my mind stay in a good place. I can write about things, add in a little humor and n the end it makes everything appear less tragic or scary. Yes, I do scare easily.

I didn't sleep very well last night. A lot of tossing and turning, some sweating and silly dreams. I believe I am going to try to go today without taking any pain medicine. Don't know if it's going to happen, but that is my intention right this second.

I haven't been doing much and I feel quite useless. I do realize rest is important and that lifting is a definite no-no. I just feel like I should be more productive. Lounging around is strange for me for the most part. I'm not above relaxing, but I tend to hop up and down a lot as well.

On a good note, today is going to be a beautiful day, no rain in the forecast (oh, please don't have let it change again) and tomorrow I'm having dinner with a good friend, will see my kids the weekend and am going to the library. I love the library. The atmosphere, the smell of books, the feel of the books are all things that give me a peaceful feeling. Bookstores do the same thing, although I prefer the crammed packed used bookstores over the modern day version.

So anyway, that's my morning so far summed up in a few paragraphs of words on a screen. I hope that your morning has started and you're smiling with some kind of warmth in your heart and a glow on your cheeks.

Update on Me

2011-04-11T20:16:00.002-04:00

I am home from the hospital tonight and now find myself unable to sleep because I'm a little high on medicine and I'm also half waiting and expecting a nurse to come wake me up every hour to check my vitals.

I have had a rough time of it lately. Last Thursday found me bleeding rectally so much that a clean up crew had to be called in and I'm vomiting and passing out. A trip to the hospital left me with gall stones, diverticulitis, the reminder of spots on my lung, uterine fibroids and a nervous state of mind.

The very next day I saw the radiologist and GI doctors. I had a colonoscopy on Tuesday and saw the pulminary doctor on Wednesday. They removed a few polyps and sent them off to the lab. The lung doctor confirmed a bad thing in that the spots are not calcified, but a good thing they have smooth edges. I have to have another scan done in a month to confirm whether they are active or inactive. Overall I was feeling a little better until Thursday when I started having more rectal bleeding and severe pain.

I was sent to the ER Thursday night and the ER doctor attempted to work on my bottom. He was trying to cut open a hemorrhoid. He numbed the area and then started working on it. He shot it with a very thin needle three times and good lord, I thought I was going to pass out. I was shaking and bit my hand so hard to just try not to move. Fortunately he realized it wasn't going to work and stopped after about 5 minutes.

From there I was admitted and scheduled for surgery early Friday morning. I was hurting severely, but immediately was given pain medicine. The surgeon was an hour late due to the surgery he had before. Finally it happened, though. The deeply rooted, very thick bulging hemorrhoid and blood clot were taken care of. Before you know it I was back in my room and higher than a kite on a windy day.

Apparently I sent quite a few text messages during this time. I do remember taking pictures of myself and the hospital room, but don't really recall the text messages. I was enlightened later, though. Some funny stuff. Maybe. I don't think I should quit my day job, but pain medicine can really knock me for a loop.
Thanks to those that received my pictures and texts with humor and understanding.

I finally came home this evening and have been resting as much as possible. Can't go back to work right away and on strick orders for no strenuous activity and no lifting for several weeks. I can handle that.

I'm hoping that I'm on the mend medically. My body has been poked and prodded so much that I have lost my dignity and have become totally shameless in just putting it out there.

I hate needles and can count 10 needle spots on my arms, along with a few bruises, and I'm just not happy about it. I'm anxious to get the polyp results on Wednesday and the next scan for the spots on my lungs. Once that is over, I will be able to relax a bit.

The gall stone issue isn't a real issue right now unless I have upper stomach pain. The diverticulitis is just a matter of some antibiotics and diet changes. I can handle that. It doesn't involve needles.

Right now my bottom is so sore that it is radiating across my ass cheeks and up through my rectum and pelvis area. I can barely walk and it is with a weird limp.

I'm in good spirits. I had great visits from great people as well as a lot of texting to keep me company. I appreciate it and you.

I did have an awkward moment when the nurse taking care of me before my surgery turned out to be one of my son's friends that he went to school with and played ball with. A little weird having him see me and touch me. He seemed fine with it. Then on my last day my CNA was one of my daughter's friends. Thanks hospital stay for making me feel old.

All in all, a marvelous weekend.

Dear Lover

2011-04-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Lover,

Morning sex with you is awesome! Whether it's sleepy sex or fresh out of the shower sex, I can't get enough of it. It's always a great time and I get off every single time without fail. I can have any kind of sex I want and you always play along, giving me exactly what I want and need.

It's just me, my hand and my wonderful imagination.

As far as lovers go, I totally rock!

Love,
Lover

2011-03-05T16:24:00.003-05:00

Thursday morning arrived bright and early. I was up at 4:00 a.m. and off to work at 5:00 a.m. About 10:30 a.m. that morning I'm standing at work and feel something wet. I reach behind me, touch my butt and my hand is covered in bright red blood. I am a little freaked out. My supervisor comes to replace me and I head off to the restroom to figure out what is going on.

Once in the restroom I realize I have rectal bleeding and an awful lot. It takes me about 20 minutes to get it slowed enough to be able to put a pad on and stand up. By this time I'm feeling a little dizzy and nauseous, but I go back to my work station and things appear to be fine for about an hour.

This time there is blood dripping on the floor and I'm vomiting within about five minutes and nearly passing out. My work station has to be cleaned up and sterilized. I'm carted off to the hospital where I have to wait in the waiting room for almost three hours before I am seen. I vomit in the waiting room, bleed on the chair and am white as a ghost. Admittedly, they were packed, but I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to sit there like that.

Once back in an actual room, the nurse immediately puts in an IV and the doctor is quickly back to see me. I can't stand needles and usually it takes the nurse several attempts before it all goes well. This nurse was great and needed only one try. It worked perfect and just a tiny bruise from it today.

The doctor presses around on my stomach and I have severe pain on my left side that makes me bite my lip. At this point I am told to roll over onto my left side while he looks at my butt. Then he informs me that he will be inserting his finger to feel around. Anal virgin here so thank goodness he used lube. It hurt like crazy. Maybe he had a big finger. Maybe I have a tight ass. Perhaps I'm just not feeling good.

He says he believes I might have diverticulitis and explains to me what it is. He orders a CBC blood test and about an hour later I'm told that my white blood count are high and my red blood count is low. From here I am told I am going to be sent over for a CT scan. The nurse comes in and hands me a drink and tells me to drink it all, that it will run through my system and help things show up on the scan. I finish it and then she hands me an entire pitcher of it to drink. It didn't taste bad, but it was just to much too fast and it made me feel even more nauseous. I have to wait an hour for this to work through my system before I can get the scan done.

I just want to sleep, but between the pain, bleeding and crazy ER noise, I just can't do it. The hour passed slowly and finally I was taken over for the scan. Once there the tech put something called "contrast" in my IV and told me it would make me feel warm. Boy, did it! It started in my chest, went down through my stomach and spread between my legs. A light fire feeling that didn't last very long, though, and about 15 minutes later back to the ER I go.

Perhaps an hour later the doctor comes in and informs me that yes, I do have diverticulitis. I have gall stones. I have four spots on my lungs. And he feels certain I have polyps. He asked me when I had last eaten or drank anything. I hadn't had anything since Wednesday around 7:00 p.m. So, there I stay in the hospital until around 8:00 a.m. I am told to drink this bottle of wonderfully delicious (note sarcasm) white stuff and sent off to the radiologist for a PET scan. I'm there for three hours. From there I go to the gastroentologist to schedule a colonoscopy. Said colonoscopy scheduled for Tuesday morning. Starting Sunday morning I cannot have anything except liquid and even that is limited.

Late Friday night I had another bleeding incident. Around 9:00 p.m. I all of a sudden had very sharp pains in my stomach that left me doubled over and crying. About 2 minutes later I was bleeding again. Another trip to the hospital and six hours later I am home again with another prescription and specific instructions on what to do should it happen again.

I have two antiobiotics, two pain pills, a stool softener, and something for anemia. I have two bottles of stuff that I have to drink from Monday to Tuesday morning to clean me out.

It's 4:16 p.m. Saturday and since 4:00 a.m. on Thursday I have had about 4 hours sleep, I have bags under my eyes and I am exhausted. I'm worried and naturally my research online has just left me withering away to nothing in a few days so I stopped that.

I received a lot of information from the ER, the Gastroentologist and the Radiologist. I have to follow up with my doctor about the gall stones and see a lung doctor on Thursday regarding the spots on my lungs.

My Getaway

2011-02-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

The apartment I live in has three floors. The basement is a walkout. The first floor is entered through the front door into the foyer with a dining room, half bath, kitchen and living room with a balcony off of it. The top floor has two bedrooms and two baths. My bedroom has two windows that are right above the balcony.

I know you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this. There is a reason.

I have terrible dreams sometimes. They wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes crying and with a difficulty getting back to sleep. This has been happening all week.

Throw on top of it all the fact that I have been hearing strange noises randomly for a few weeks and that I somehow cannot stop thinking about movies like "The Panic Room" and "The Shining", and I'm scared.

So scared in fact that I put my purse by my bed and have mastered a plan that allows me to hang out my bedroom window and jump down onto the balcony, slide cat-like along the rail to the privacy fence and all but somersault down to the drive where the car sits.

I was telling my son this tonight and he got a great laugh out of it and then admitted that it was a good plan if I could put it into action fast enough.

I should probably do a test run on it, but I think the neighbors might think I'm a bit "touched" if they see me doing this. Some might consider me "touched" just from the mere thought of it all.

It's a getaway plan that's always good to have just in case for various reasons. I know it sounds a little crazy and I shouldn't be that scared, but it is what it is. My mind is always going in one direction or another, sometimes at the same time.

Road Rage

2011-02-09T22:23:00.002-05:00

I rarely curse. The words just don't seem natural coming out of my mouth. On an occasion I'll do so when repeating a story or some thing someone said or if I am extremely mad. I realized driving home today that holds true except when I'm driving alone.

I was turning left and waited for the pedestrians to walk then proceeded to turn only to be stopped by three people walking out between cars. "Dang Ding-Bats! Crosswalks, ya know!" Later on the expressway someone drives all the way up the middle lane in order to be in front of the line in the right lane instead of waiting patiently like everyone else. "Seriously! Fudgin' Freaks!!"

I'm stating these things out loud, in my car, driving down the road. This is how it goes...

Driving
"I love Rock n Roll" (That's me singing)
Left turn
Pause
Pedestrians go
Forward on the gas
Hit the brakes
Pedestrians sneak out between cars
"Dang Ding-bats! Crosswalks, ya know!!"
"Put a dime in the jukebox, baby!" (me singing again)

I'm like a three ring circus in my car. If you were a little birdy I am certain you'd crack up as you look at me cross-eyed wondering about my sanity.

I might have a touch of road rage, but it's the sweetest, goofiest road rage you'll experience.

Migraines

2011-02-03T21:54:00.000-05:00

MIGRAINES.

I have lived with migraines since I was 15. I cannot remember the last day in my life when I didn't have some form of a headache. Day in and day out. Fortunately I have been able to control the mild daily pain.

It is the butt kicking, tear starting, want to pull my hair out, curl up in a ball, don't make a noise or turn on a light days that do me in.

I have noticed that certain things trigger these. Cigarette smoke, PMS and not sticking to a routine with meals and sleep are all prime triggers.

Unfortunately when I do cross that line into migraine status, it takes days for it to fade and sometimes a week or more for it to completely go away.

I am on the trail end of one right now. It ruined a good night with a great friend, although great friend said it didn't. It took almost two entire days from me, dang thief. And it steals moments randomly throughout.

I have tried so many different medications, little "tricks of the trade" and secrets people have shared with me. I tried Maxalt, Imitrex, Topamax, Zomig and Midrin. I have tried the don't eat certain foods plan and various relaxation techniques. Every over the counter migraine medicine has been ingested by me and most often all of this just triggers a rebound headache of some kind.

The only thing I have found that truly works is a good shot of Toradol, Phenergen and Benadryl. Makes me loopy and then puts me into a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I wake up a little groggy at first, but then back to normal.

Migraines are worse than any pain I have felt. By far worse than giving birth and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

That honest mirror

2011-02-03T21:22:00.001-05:00

At the top of the stairs on the landing is a huge mirror. I am guessing that it is 4x8 with a gold ornate frame. After my shower, I stood in front of this mirror critiquing myself.

As I looked at my naked body, I thought back in time to when I was younger and my body was firm. I turned to and fro, checking myself out from all angles and comparing to years gone by. Over the years I have gone from a size three when I got married to my current size 14.

I have gone from small perky breasts to more full and somewhat sagging breasts. My flat stomach has been invaded by stretch marks and some soft flesh and my hips have broadened into more womanly curves. My skin is not as baby soft or silky smooth and my hair is cursed with grey here and there.

After standing for a while, I sat down in front of that honest mirror.

I touched my nipples, pulling them out and looking at them like they were the oddest things on earth. I spread my legs and gently explored, all the time my mind drifting to different moments in time. There is that scar on my knee and the cellulite on my thighs. This wasn't a sexual experience. It was just a "me" moment. A mere woman remembering, and perhaps longing a bit for the past, but ultimately accepting.

As I looked at myself, I smiled. Perfection was not looking back at me, but a beautiful, content and happy woman was. Years ago, I might have been more firm in places, but I would have never been able to sit in front of the mirror like that.

Time ages us all in various ways. For some the looks fade more quickly than others. For others the mind tends to go first. I believe I am aging gracefully in all areas. I am not afraid to admit in 25 days I will be 42.

I am a woman of today. See me for who I am and appreciate and love every part of me right this minute. I do.

So there I sat in front of that mirror pondering who I am and how I look today. I painted my toes right there and right there I put on my night cream.

Then I smiled. A goofy, wrinkled eye-twinkling, no makeup, honest to goodness just me smile.

And then I ran down the stairs like a kid, slid across the hardwood floors in the hallway and landed here on the couch to tell you all about it.

Thursday night, oh my!

2011-02-03T19:36:00.002-05:00

In a few minutes I am going to go upstairs, run a bath so hot that my skin turns red and just sit in the water until I shrivel up like a prune. I'm going to pour in bubble bath and let the bubbles settle in and around all my sweet spots and just soak. On one edge of the tub will be a glass of wine and in my hands will be the book I am starting, "Wild Swans - Three Daughters of China."

After this luxuriating pleasure, I plan on lathering myself with lotion from head to toe and sitting naked in the living room while I channel surf and paint my toe nails. What color? What color? Such difficult decisions life presents me.

Moving forward a couple of hours, I am going to play dress up and figure out my wardrobe for the weekend so I'm not struggling with myself each time I go to get dressed. I hate that battle. Try this on, throw it on the floor. Slip into this, scream a bit and toss it on the bed. Nothing ever gets immediately put back on hangers or in drawers. So, with this new plan I have everything will be in order and on hangers. I can just grab hanger 1 and no changing my mind and so on and so forth throughout the weekend. YAY me for thinking ahead!

After all the dressing up and dressing down are done for the night, I plan on couch surfing to some sappy movie and let my little mind wonder wherever it may choose. I imagine before it's said and done, you will find me right back here blathering about how my panties look, what is the purpose of wearing high heels or sharing the fine details of some fantasy I created while soaking in the bath.

A long awaited release

2011-02-03T19:07:00.000-05:00

I went on the longest road trip ever today! Technically it was just about 40 minutes, but note that I had an emergency and time was moving in slow motion. As were the vehicles around me!

Every pot hole and bump put extreme pressure on my bladder. I thought for a moment that I might end up being a dribbler. Thankfully, I wasn't. I did raise my fist in frustration several times while almost screaming, "fudgin' fudge, I have to PEE!!"

I thought for certain the car in front of me heard me when I yelled, "Go, people, go!" But they didn't. The driver refused to run the red light. The other drivers refused to yield their green right of way. I'm sure if they really knew the dire predictament I was in, they would have!

My jeans were cutting into my stomach, my belt was adding additional pressure and I thought I might burst at any moment. And I was still 15 minutes from home!

I don't know why I didn't stop at McDonalds or some other quick stop. I think I was afraid that if I did and then couldn't get into a restroom that I might wet my pants right then and there in front of anyone and everyone. How embarrassing would that have been?

I finally pulled into the drive, grabbed my purse and tripped out of the car just to fumble as I opened the back fence gate. I was squeezing everything so nothing would come out as I opened the patio door. The dogs ran crazy at me so i had to throw my keys and purse at them. I had no choice (sorry dog lovers.)

As I ran up the stairs, I was undoing my belt and jeans. I skidded into the bathroom and fell on the toilet seat with a definite "ahhhhh" and "ooooohhh" as I released. I may have dribbled on my coat, that I couldn't get off beforehand, but that's a point that no one will ever really know.

It was slightly orgasmic as I sat there askew on the toilet. By this point the dogs were standing in the hallway looking at me oddly. Understandable, but I did kick the door closed.

The big finale was when I had to stretch across and down to get a new roll of tissue out of the holder and bumped my head on the counter as I was sitting back up straight. But hey, oh what a relief it was!

I did drink lots of water today, but I don't know if I have ever had to pee so badly in my entire life. I refuse to wear depends, but I will be checking routes for quick stop toilet spots!

Oh... yes, I washed my hands. :)

Aunt Update

2011-02-02T16:40:00.002-05:00

My aunt has cancer in her lungs and liver. The cancer is eating away at her wind pipes making breathing very difficult and she is losing weight fast. She has been to several doctors and all say that it is such a fast moving cancer that surgery will not help her. She just came home from the hospital again due to coughing up blood. Originally she was going to give chemo a try, but since her original diagnosis her doctors advised against it stating it will not be positive or helpful to her at this point.

For now she is home, on oxygen and with hospice, and has been advised to come back to the hospital immediately if she starts bleeding again. Her survival rate is 10%. I don't know if that is good or bad. I do suppose some survival rate is better than nothing.

My mom and I are going to see her again on Friday.

2011-01-16T18:57:00.001-05:00

I have an aunt that lives in a small town. It's probably still the old fashioned, close-minded town that it has always been. One summer I spent some time with my aunt there. During my visit I spent most of my time at the local swimming pool, hiding out in the library or with my aunt in her kitchen. She was an amazing cook and I would go help her make bread. I can still picture the two of us in her kitchen.

This aunt was the most kind hearted lady I've ever known. She'd never hurt a flea. From the time I can remember she has had a hard, difficult and trying life. They were always poor and also lived fairly dirty. I was always uncomfortable when we went to her house because of the filth. We (my parents and siblings) would find a place to sit and stay there until we left, or the kids would all be outside. During this specific summer for some reason I'm unclear of, her home was not the normal filth. I'm sure it wasn't clean by my standards today or most people's, but it was better and this enabled me to enjoy the bread making and time with her.

Over the years nothing changed. My aunt and her family remained poor and mostly dirty. She had four
kids, my cousins. Three boys and a girl who fell in as the third child. As life passed and we grew older it was obvious the oldest boy and youngest boy were going to be a handful. The handful soon changed into trouble. They were always doing something. Sometimes it was just boyhood misbehaving and other times it was more serious illegal stuff.

About ten years ago my aunt lost her second son in an accident. He had made a decent life for himself,
joined the military and was living a good life. The motorcycle accident was very bad and his funeral was a closed casket. I cannot imagine the feeling of losing a child. My aunt was living this.

Sadly and tragically, seven months later she lost her daughter and unborn grandchild to a drunk driver. Once again, I couldn't imagine this loss. Being a mother, I'm really unsure how she remained so sane through this.

For such tragedy to happen to her in such a short amount of time was unbelievable. But she continued on. She had two other children to love and help guide. The two other children were soon to prove quite a burden on her and my uncle. Throughout several years these two boys were in and out of jail, stole from their parents and generally put them through terrible times.

Unfortunately my aunt devoted herself to these two boys. Perhaps it was craziness or simple a mother's
love or in her specific, a need to protect what she had left after having experienced such loss. Always trying and protecting, making excuses for her two remaining sons, a couple years later left her almost speechless, limping and crippled in her right arm and hand from two strokes. So many people would give up and become depressed, bitter and blaming the world at this point. But my aunt did not. She always had a smile when you saw her. Maybe somewhere inside she was hurting and perhaps bitter and blaming, but if so, it would be a surprise. We never saw a glimpse of it.

After her strokes, she lost her husband to cancer. Now here was this beautiful sweet lady left in the world with two sons to care for her. They abused her, left her hungry and cold a times, stole from her, didn't take care of her properly. My mom and my aunt tried to take her in and then tried to get her set up in a small apartment in an assisted living complex. No amount of trying would convince her. Her "boys" needed her and she wasn't leaving them. As the years passed, her boys were in and out of jail and gave her 6 grandkids that were left in her care half the time.

To me it seemed like such a hard life. Burden after burden put upon her and yet she was steadfast loyal
and loving to her family and never got down.

My aunt went to the doctor last Monday for a cold and was given medicine. This medicine didn't help and
a few days later she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. This might be the most lucky thing for
her in years. Time will tell. While in the hospital they took routine x-rays and found a huge mass on her lung and after further examination found another mass on her liver. Right now they are leaning towards 90% cancerous. She has doctor appointments this week and next.

My mom, my sister and I went to visit her on Saturday. We walked in the door to find this grey haired lady looking a little worse for wear. But when she realized it was us, her entire face lit up and she started crying and smiling from ear to ear. She repeated over and over how happy she was to see us and how she had missed us.

At some point everyone went into the bedroom to talk to my cousin about his mom's condition. I stayed
with her at the kitchen table. It was wonderful. We laughed and cried. She was sad for a bit when she
spoke of her lost children, mentioning how it is so hard and she never forgets. But she quickly moved
past it and spoke of her desire to get her hair cut and washed. I teased her telling her we will find her a hot handsome male nurse to take care of her. She looked confused for a moment, then her face lit up and she tossed her hand up in the air, stating "To hell with it, if he's be okay with it then so would she." And then she just laughed. She told me how much she loved her coffee. The things she spoke of were simple and yet obviously joyous things to her.

Our visit lasted a while longer. There was a lot of laughter and some tears. My aunt was unable to attend my dad's funeral and she loved him so much. She apologized over and over for that. We spoke of old memories. It was a great visit. She'd get frustrated when she couldn't get out exactly what she wanted to say. Her face would contort and you could tell she was trying so hard. She always figured it out and communication was not an issue.

We promised her we'd come back and soon.

I don't know what lord or god she believes in. I don't know what faith or spirituality she thinks of. But I sincerely hope that everyone that comes in contact with her throughout her illness and the rest of her days remember that she is such a lovely woman and that they all take the best care of her possible. I learned something from her that day. Our live is what we make it. We all come across our own trials and tribulations, but it is how we react and respond and move forward that defines us. We can choose the path of self-pity and depression or we can take something good out of it all and smile, moving on with as positive attitude as we can. Sometimes we get what we asked for, good or bad, and other times everything is out of our control. But our internal happiness, the fondness for good times and joy for life, are things we can control.

My short version story here of her life is very limited and small telling in the big scheme of what her life really was. For every huge tragedy she experienced there were a thousand small ones she conquered every day of her life.

I felt her smiles and happiness. I felt her loss and sorrow. I sat there and remembered life with her and was amazed at her strength and will. As I walked out the door, I felt love and compassion. I am going back to see her again this week. If she hasn't gotten that haircut yet, I'm going to take her. I realized sitting there at that kitchen table that we're all growing older and we need to appreciate, value and take the time to see the people we love.

We all have some power and it is time we start exercising it. At least, I know it is for me.

Busy Beaver

2011-01-07T15:03:00.001-05:00

I have been on my knees cleaning the kitchen floor, sprawled across the bathroom tub and been half in the kitchen cabinets. I have used a full size vacuum and a mini-dustbuster. I have cooked a hash brown casserole, have another in the oven, made a cake, drank 4 ounces of coca-cola and 24 ounces of water. I've contemplated a glass of wine, written a couple blog posts, applied for three jobs, exchanged messages with two people, talked to both my children and my mom. I've thought of the Bossman and taken the dogs for a walk.

I loaded the dishwasher, watched 5 minutes of a movie, turned on my country music, shed a few tears, thought of my dad, tossed out some moldy bread and went to the restroom three times. I did a load of laundry, wiped down the cabinets, packed a bag of clothes to give away, and brought in the trash can. 50 crunches, 10 push ups and 20 squats later I'm sitting on the love seat wondering what else there is for me to do today.

I imagine I'll cook something else. I'm going strong on my "meals on wheels" and really just like cooking. I still have another load of laundry, need to change the sheets on my bed, take the dogs for another walk, feed the cat, clean the downstairs bathroom, drink that glass of wine, shower and get cleaned up for the munch tonight. Somewhere in there I'll problem do a much more feminine Tom Cruise imitation and dance across the living room floor in my t-shirt and socks. It's so much fun on the hardwood floors. I hope the neighbors enjoy it.

I'm like a little jack in the box. I sit still long enough for the lid to be closed and then ta-da I'm right back up as soon as my mind gets cranked on something else to do. I stay up late and get up early. I'm the energizer bunny without the ears and fluffy tail.

Introvert

2011-01-06T22:24:00.004-05:00

This is NOT my writing, but it is me. Credit and thanks given to "About.com"
__________________

Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desires to be quietly introspective.

Being introspetive, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Too many men

2011-01-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

I realized tonight that there are an awful lot of men in my life for me to be single.

I call my car "Johnny."

The shower head is my boyfriend. He doesn't have a name. It's easier for me to just cry out "OMGodd...dddddd" than remember a specific name.

George is my fantasy man.

The cable man is Lonnie. I've been seeing a lot of him lately.

The neighbor who walks his dog is Tom. He's a twice daily interaction.

Then there is Mr. Bubbles who "makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty!" I'm a sparkling clean little girl. Dangit!

And OMG, Mr. Clean gives me erasers and liquids, coupons and tips. He's a real slave driver at times.

My mom was going to get me a Tom Tom for Christmas and I screamed NOOOOO!

I simply cannot handle any more of these kind of men in my life. CALGON take me away!!!!

A little color

2011-01-06T21:28:00.000-05:00

Color. We all need a little color in our live.

Life can be boring at times. The normal routine of our daily life can take over and leave life mundane if we're not careful. Now, there isn't anything wrong with boring and mundane at times. Truth be known, most of the time it's fine and dandy. But sometimes we need to shake things up, cause a little ruckus, create a bit of commotion, laugh until we cry and smile until our face hurts. It wouldn't hurt to dance in the rain or stomp in a mud puddle. You'd be surprised at how a walk around the lake would make you feel. Go out and dance, dance until you're sweating and flushed. Be daring, venture out to a new place. Go watch a movie by yourself. Open the door for a stranger. Take a road trip and let it lead to an adventure. Let your sister set you up on the blind date. Take your wife out for a night on the town in that new dress she wants so badly. Turn off the TV and talk. Or turn on the TV, make out and cuddle all night. Drink a glass of wine and giggle. Plan a vacation and really enjoy it.

Then you can get back to boring and mundane. Until the next spark hits you.

Don't be a chicken like me. Like so many others.

Add that color to your life.

Bubble bath

2010-12-24T00:28:00.001-05:00

One of my life's greatest pleasures is bubble baths!

I'm spending this week at my daughter's and she has a huge bath tub. Tonight I filled it with extremely hot water and lavender scented bubble bath beads. I lit a few candles, grabbed a book and a glass of wine. I soaked until I pruned up. I made a bubble beard like Santa. I made a bubble bikini for myself. I closed my eyes and just relaxed until the water turned cold.

It was heavenly and I recommend bubbles for anyone that needs a little "me" time. If you need to think, do it in a bubble bath. If you need alone time, bubbles. If you need a few childish giggles, go with the bubbles.

Also, the drain is really fast and strong. When I pulled the plug, I put my hand over it and it felt just like a super powerful vacuum. It scared me and made me laugh and jump at the same time. So, I did it again and again.

Now I'm fresh out of the bath, red skinned and smelling like almonds, and still wearing a goofy smile from the giggles.

Try it. :) You'll like it.

2010-12-15T18:25:00.003-05:00

I am a weird, moody, sensitive individual. I PMS like the dickens and have one really good week out of the month. But I'm sweet and kind, good and warm hearted. Someone told me just the other day that he likes me so much because when I'm not weird, I am the most caring, sweetest, and good person he knows. That was a nice thing to say considering I haven't always been the best friend to him.

It's not that I'm terrible or mean. I just tend to withdraw into my own little world. And trust me, my own little world is very little. There's not much room there for anyone. I tend to be quiet a lot anyway, so when I get in this mood it makes it even worse.

I appreciate those people that know me well and understand and tolerate this about me. These few people are the most amazing people I know. Thank you.

Part of all this is because I get migraines and when I get them there's this aura that surrounds me. Noise and light, interacting and socializing just gets very hard to tolerate. I tend to need everything to be on the down low, very quiet and serene, almost a peaceful tranquility that I have to have to get past the pain.

Part of all this is because of my past. We all have our baggage and I certainly have my share. Most often I can control it and make it a positive. There are times that it does hit me like walking into a brick wall. For those of you that have never walked into a brick wall it's tough. I have to shake myself, get that blurriness to go away and fight to see things clearly.

Whatever the reasons, I am more of a loner type individual. I enjoy people and have learned that I need people in my life. However, I also know myself and know I can't give too much to too many people. If I ever appear rude or nonchalant about you, please forgive me because that is not my intention.

2010-12-13T09:25:00.002-05:00

I sat up last night into the wee hours of the morning. I was finally able to get about three hours of sleep. My over thinking mind was in full overdrive and I could not get it to settle down.

This holiday season is a tough one for me. This year has perhaps been one of the worst I have ever had. I am trying hard to get it all out of my system so that I can start the new year with a positive, pleasant and upbeat bang.

I don't want presents for Christmas. I don't plan on making a New Year's resolution. I do plan on doing something about my life. It is true that only I can make my happiness. While sometimes it is out of my control, I believe that it is true in the end.

I realize the people who matter most to me and I refuse to let them go for any reason or any one. I don't have many but a small handful. I know a lot of people, interact with so many, but these few people that matter are the most awesome. I will be reminding them constantly how incredible they are and continue giving them my support, care and love.

My kids, my family

2010-12-12T23:27:00.000-05:00

I grew up imagining the perfect marriage with my knight in shining armor, white picket fence and all the trimmings. That didn't happen. I did get married but he was far from a knight in shining armor. I have two wonderful kids as a result and I wouldn't trade it or exchange it for the world, though. And that is what this is all about really.

Me, my son and my daughter. We have always been like the three musketeers. We've added a few to include his girlfriend and her boyfriend. There are very rare moments when I wonder if we're as close and then something like tonight happens and I just get thankful and burst with love and pride and joy.

The weather is terrible. My son was out with his girlfriend and her family for her birthday dinner. My daughter was at work. My daughter was texting me to let me know that her boyfriend was coming to get her because he didn't want her driving on the roads. Almost at the same time my son sends me a text and asks me how his sister is getting home because he does not want her driving on the roads and that he'd get her if necessary.

That's family and love and yes, it reminds me of why my kids are important to me. People come and go in my life, but my kids are always there and I am always there for them. We care and love each other and make sure we're all taken care of.

Sometimes we're selfish and sometimes we don't agree, but always we are a family who wants the best for each other and will always have love.

I am thankful. I sometimes feel like I haven't done a lot in life, so many negative things have happened and it's a blessing to know I have such wonderful, amazing, responsible, happy and loving kids.

Let It Snow. NO!

2010-12-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

I love the fall, the cool crisp air, breaking out the sweaters and boots. But these freezing cold temperatures, ice and snow do nothing for me. Perhaps as my cold weather corrupter is trying to convince me, if I had a snuggle man and a reason to stay in bed or on the sofa all day it might not be so terrible. I'm still not convinced, but I'm still man-less as well.

I think one reason I have such a hard time with this weather is because I'm terrified of driving on snow and ice. I have done it and can do it if absolutely necessary, but I get anxious and nervous. My hands grip the steeling wheel and my eyes are constantly darting around, watching every car and imagining that the next stretch of road is going to be black ice.

So, here I am sitting in the living room and watching the snow flakes drift around in the wind. The snow fall is heavy for a while and then it all but diminishes only to start up again. I ventured out this morning just to see how cold it is. Yes, let me confirm it is cold. I do see glimpses of sunshine, though. Enough to slip into that bathing suit and take a dip in the pool? Not quite, unless it is indoors and heated.

I say "Let It Snow - NO!"

All In a Day's Work

2010-12-12T00:21:00.000-05:00

I was startled when he walked into the room. Clearly caught goofing off and spinning around in my work chair, I bit my lower lip and grinned sweetly at him. I'm sure my green eyes were twinkling as I tried to look innocent. He just chuckled a bit and shook his head.

"So, this is what you do when I am not around, huh girl?" he asked.

Oh, dilemma, dilemma. I couldn't say no, I'd be a big fat liar. I didn't want to say yes because I really don't goof off all the time when he isn't around. I decided the happy middle that gave the safest and yet totally truthful answer would be best.

"Sometimes, Sir."

He took a few steps closer. I had to fight the urge to spin in my chair and crossed my feet on the floor instead. I was starting to get a very vulnerable feeling as he took a few more steps closer. It was only when he was looming over me that I remembered my skirt was pushed up around my waist. I guess my innocence went out the door right then.

"What were you doing?" he asked, his eyes drifting down over my body and landing at the top of my thighs.

I could feel the warm blush creep into my cheeks and wondered how I was going to get out of this.

I stammered a bit. "I.. I. well, I was.."

His brows lifted in obvious curiosity, doubt and encouragement for me to continue with my story.

"Well, Sir, it's just working here all day with you in such close proximity, I can't help but get turned on and I was, yes, well, I was.. Oh, you know!" I rambled out in a flustered and excited tone.

He walked around me and gave the back of my chair a firm spin. I giggled and caught myself before I toppled over. Just as quickly he reached out, put his big hand on my shoulder and stopped the spinning.

"You're basically telling me you have been playing with yourself and it is all my fault, correct?"

I was quiet for a few seconds. Yes, I did it again. My mouth just opens and then before I know it my foot is in it. Thank goodness my feet aren't stinky because they're always ending up in my mouth.

"It isn't your fault that I was playing with myself. No, no, Sir. But it is because of you that I was. I can't help it, it just happens. I think of you, my panties get wet, my belly flutters down deep and before I know it...."

He laughed. "Slut. So show me how you masturbate at work for me, because of me."

I spun my chair around so that I was facing my desk, away from him, and slowly slid my hand down between my legs, knowing full well that he really wanted to watch me.

He gave the chair a little kick and I was facing him. My face lit up in child-like delight at the silliness.

"Now show me like I said." His firm voice hit my inner core and I melted.

Slowly my right hand was slipping down into my panties, sliding beneath the little lace material, and a finger grazed over my clit. Rubbing in small circles, I was self-conscious with him mere inches from me and watching so intently.

He started talking, telling me about his day and how his mother wants us to come over on Tuesday for dinner. I was getting distracted and flustered. I wanted to remember what he was telling me, but his voice was sexy and soothing and sensual. I really just wanted to orgasm.

I let a couple fingers delve inside my warm pussy, stroking and caressing. My left hand grabbed the bottom hem of my skirt and pulled it up to my mouth and I bit the soft material. Soon my fingers were slipping in and out, rubbing my swelling clit and my body was arching.

At some point my body slid down in the chair until I was almost on my knees with my ass resting barely on the edge of my chair. Muttering and moaning, my fingers worked my clit with experience and expertise as I became a puddle of sweet wetness there before his eyes.

I felt myself getting closer and I just wanted that wonderful release. In the distance somewhere I heard him talking, encouraging me and telling me what a dirty slut I am.

My head fell back against the rest of the chair and I started squirming. Biting my skirt and moaning into the material, my fingers were moving faster and plunging deeper and harder into my pussy. It was there, just right there and I wanted it.

Suddenly his hand was in my hair, tangling into the thick mass and telling me to stop as he pulled me up from the chair. It hurt and caught me off guard. I whimpered in protest of not obtaining that orgasm I needed. Wanted. Okay, wanted. My green eyes widened and I looked up at him. My chest was heaving and my cheeks were hot and pink.

He pushed me to my knees in front of him and his cock was instantly in my face. God, he has a way of letting that beautiful thing spring free like magic. I started to speak and was instantly cut off by him shoving my face into his groin and his cock down my throat, gagging me.

"Nasty little cocksucker, you don't need to talk and you certainly aren't going to cum again today."

His hand was still in my hair and he started pulling and pushing me on and off his cock. I could feel the wetness on my panties building. His hips were thrusting and he continued gagging me. Spit was dripping from my mouth, down my chin and onto my thighs and skirt.

I started stroking his cock with my left hand and tried to gain control of the actions. His cock was soaked and it made it easy for my hand to slide quickly on his cock. That didn't work for long.

"Hands off, sugar slut."

My hands fell down and my fingers were quickly digging into my thighs.

He was raping my mouth and having very little mercy. The make up I so delicately put on this morning was soon smeared as mascara ran down my cheeks mixing with the tears.

Both of his hands cupped my head and helped me work my pretty little mouth on his cock. His hips began moving faster and goose bumps ran over my body. I loved being his cock sucking whore and couldn't wait for his release.

His cock was soon buried as far as it could down my throat and he was thrusting fast and hard. I had drool dripping and puddling and my hair was sticking to my face in places. My tongue was trying to swirl around his shaft, but it was difficult to do with the way he was gagging me and fucking my mouth.

I heard him grunt a few times and make some unintelligible noises just as he rammed his thick dick hard in my mouth, gripped my hair with force and exploded. I swallowed and gulped, almost purring as he fed me and held my head there for a few minutes.

He pushed me away and off of him. I landed on my rear and looked up at him, giggling a bit. My hair was a bit of a mess from his hand tangling it, black smeared down my cheeks and a look of obvious contentment lit up my face. I started to attempt to smooth down my hair.

"Leave it. And get back to work, harlot." he said with a playful grin.

I started for my chair, stopped and turned back to him, shifting a bit.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Please, may I have a kiss?"

He chuckled. "You think I want to kiss that dirty mouth?"

I nodded my head fast, smiling. "Oh, yes, Sir!!"

His fingers tapped his lips in approval and I quickly kissed him, surprised when he pulled me to him and held me there in a passionate kiss for a few seconds. Breaking the kiss, he spun me around, slapped my ass and sent me on my way.

That is how my afternoon should go every single day. Now I just have to find that bossman again. Oh, work.. yes, work, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

2010-12-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

I had a super bad day today. I'm fully aware that PMS can leave me depressed and extremely emotional. Most often lately I am able to control it because I am aware of it. But today just was not possible. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate it. I cried like a big ole' titty baby all day and well into the night. I spent some time at my daughter's helping her redo her spare bedroom and I'm tearing down wallpaper like a chick high on speed and crying like I just had been kicked by Mr. T himself. My hormones have been all over the chart today.

2010-12-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

OMG! PMS.. bite me, you stupid bitch!

Places I want to Go - Sardinia

2010-12-07T20:09:00.001-05:00

2010-12-07T17:44:00.002-05:00

Here I sit staring out the front door windows in the living room, gazing at the snow covered grass and just feeling the cold as if I were outside on the deck. For as far as I can see there is snow covered land and tall trees in the distance. No neighbors, no houses or buildings of any kind interfering with the serene scenery.

It is cold and I'm covered in a fuzzy Christmas blanket with pictures of Christmas trees and Santa. In the corner is a Christmas tree lit in green, blue, yellow and red lights and gold tinsel. There are candy canes and red ornaments as well and the bottom of the tree is surrounded by wrapped presents flaunting various holiday themes.

The news is blasting the winter forecast that is planning on hitting us this weekend in the form of rain changing to snow last Saturday night with very frigid temperatures. Just this week I broke out my winter jacket. I feel like an Eskimo when I wear it and it definitely keeps me warm. Winter is not my favorite time of the year. I do enjoy a good snow fall, but if I could have my wish I'd have it snow for Christmas just enough to make things pretty and then quickly melt away.

I have been following the news detailing the number of people homeless right now. People are actually sleeping outside in this weather. It is terrible. I do realize sometimes people make their own beds, but there are many who for various reasons have things happen outside of their control. I have never been homeless nor have I been hungry, not truly hungry, so I cannot even imagine it. I have been down and poor and through rough times, but I am very thankful for my family support that I have had to keep me going. I imagine there are many people that do not have family, friends or any other kind of support system in place.

I think tomorrow I might make a few phone calls and find a place to volunteer. The holidays make it more apparent that people need help. It shouldn't take the holidays for me to think of helping others and I am sorry for that, but it is a start that hopefully will be put to good use and continue for a long time to come.

Dear Santa

2010-12-07T16:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa,

I want my dad back.

I want my dad back for my mom.

I want my kids to be small again.

I want hungry people to not be hungry.

I want sick people to be healed and healthy.

I want peace for everyone I know and every stranger.

I want homeless people to find warmth and a place to call home.

I want everyone to have just what they need and on a rare occasion something they just want.

I want my best friend back.

I want forever happiness, health and contentment for my kids.

I want my knight in shining armor who rides a monogamous horse.

I want my grey hairs to disappear.

I want the insanity that started two years ago to stop.

I want to see that old man again that sat outside every day for months on my drive to work and suddenly disappeared.

I want Santa to have a safe and warm travel night.

If I can't have any of that, I just don't want anything at all. So feel free to focus on other people and their needs and wants. Enjoy your cookies and milk!

Kecia

2010-11-25T09:46:00.003-05:00

I love and hate holidays all at the same time. It's wonderful to spend time with family but holidays should be 3 or 4 days long so there's no hectic rush. It seems in today's world everyone is so busy running here, visiting there, that time is limited or doesn't seem as precious or quality.

Holidays leave me thankful, reminding me of all the positive in my life and appreciating the people I care about. Holidays also can leave a sadness, whether it's missing someone no longer around or just a general melancholy mood that can creep in if you're not careful involving so many "what ifs" that it can get overwhelming.

I realize I am very lucky and thankful to have what I have and to have such wonderful children and family. I wouldn't trade them for anything. My kids have always been my life.

I hope that everyone has a peaceful Thanksgiving.

2010-11-23T20:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a crazy day. My daughter called, crying and hurt. Somehow she fell into a mirrored door. She bruised and scratched up her back. Fortunately no glass pierced her skin. Then my son called and hurt his ankle. Turns out he broke it in two different places and will be getting a cast put on it tomorrow. It really upsets me when my kids get hurt. They both are fine, thank goodness.

I have just been hanging around the house today, goofing off online, sent out a few resumes, did some packing and spent time with my mom. Tomorrow I am going to my daughter's. We'll be cooking for Thanksgiving. This year it will be at my sister's.

The holidays will be a little tough. I miss my dad.

I'm feeling blah today. Not terrible blah, just blah. I did a lot of writing and music listening today. Music can sometimes have a negative effect on me. Happens when I'm such a sensitive cry baby.

I spent some time outside today, but it was a bit cool. Took a short walk and sat on the porch for a while and read. Vegetable soup for dinner and a hot bath afterwards.

Now I am just watching HGTV, or at least listening somewhat to it, and well, kind of just sitting here.

2010-11-19T21:03:00.002-05:00

I put my toilet tissue on so that it comes off from the bottom. It is just how I roll. I'm cool like that.

Speaking of cool, I am much cooler than the flip side of the pillow. Ask me, I'll tell you.

I am a freak on many levels. Book, olive, neat, salsa, beach and imagination. Kind of like a fill in the blank sentence.

I hate winter and summer. Unless it's Christmas or I have my feet in the sand on the beach. I complain when it's too cold. I moan when it's too hot. I am a very nice complainer and sweet moaner, though.

I am a blue jean baby kind of woman. I enjoy dressing up and my heels, but nothing compares to the fit of a good pair of blue jeans. Well, unless it's a comfy pair of PJ's to lounge around it.

I am simple and yet so complex. I am woman. But I do not roar. I'm fairly quiet for the most part.

I forget to put on deodorant 5 out of 7 days of the week. Fortunately I don't stink. I don't know what's so complicated about remembering, but I just don't. It's weird.

I have started writing a book. It has taken me months to write three chapters. Do you think I'll ever reach the end?

I hate doing windows. I'll do them because I like the clean sparkle and shine, not to mention the clear view, but it's not something I wake up and jump out of bed for.

I do jump out of bed in the morning. I don't linger. Up and at 'em!

I often times walk through stores smiling at people just to see how many smile back. Very few do. Some people look at me like they think I might be a wee bit touched. Makes me smile even brighter.

I have been known to be clumsy. I trip over my own feet, throw full glasses of drinks on the floor, run into things and so forth. I just giggle and continue on.

I am a huge George Jones fan. I have panties just waiting to be tossed at him. Fortunately for him I am a bit shy and haven't had the courage to throw them. And I'm respectful of his wife. I know that once he has had my panties in his hands and even a touch from me, she'd be history. Heck, I try not to even look at him because my eyes would pull him in.

Notice there have been a lot of sentences that start off with "I"? Yeah, I know, it's terrible. This is all about me. If you would want me to write about you, just let me know and I can do that as well.

For now, that's all you get. :)

2010-10-24T20:51:00.002-04:00

I cannot have any more children. With that said, abortions are not for me. I love children far too much. There is a fine line there, though. If the doctor were to tell me that the baby or I would die, then I'd have to consider the abortion. But just to have one to terminate the pregnancy because I decided I didn't want to be pregnant is not something I could do. Note that this is my opinion and what works for me. I'm not against abortions in general. However, this should not be only my decision. The father should have say in things. If a father is liable for child support, then he certainly should have say in whether an abortion is had or not. I don't care if it is the woman's body. If it's the woman's body when she decides to abort, then it can be her body when she decides to keep the child and take care of it herself completely on her own.

Things cannot be both ways. We as humans tend to change things around to fit our needs, desires and moods. We read things and only pick out the few words or sentences that we want to. In doing so, things can be taken in a totally different context. We blow our horns when that car cuts over at the last minute but seem to forget when we do it ourselves because we aren't sure on directions or have our mind elsewhere.

These examples could go on and on. I'm guilty of little things like it myself. I'm not perfect, but I do try to not fall into these traps. Practice what you preach comes to mind right now. So does take the higher road and give as good as you expect to get in return.

We all seem to be in a rush and out for ourselves. Typically rules are in place for good reasons. Sometimes we don't know the reason therefore we might not understand things. We can't just go breaking rules to fit our moods. It's not the right thing to do.

I have seen far too many people complain about this, that or the other and yet two days later they do exactly what they were just complaining about. The world does not revolve solely around one individual.

I think we would all do well and remember this.

2010-10-24T19:32:00.002-04:00

The majority of the few relationships I have been involved in have been terrible and abusive and bad at times. I admit I have nightmares on occasion about it all and I admit I am a little cautious. However, I refuse to let it make me bitter and negative. There are good people in the world. Good relationships can be had.

I'm an open book. I put myself out there and take the chance of getting hurt. Maybe I am an oddball. I know my friends do not think like I do. I just don't see how people can fall in love, care about someone and then at some point later in time be so evil. Evil comes in many forms whether it's physical abuse, mental abuse, taking someone to the cleaners, denying them rights or whatever.

It seems to me that at the point in time when two people decide to part ways they can rise above it and do what is right for everyone involved simply because it's the good thing to do. Plus if you really are ready to part ways, washing your hands of that person in an honest and healthy way seems to be the smarter way to go. Being deceitful and dirty, underhanded and wrong only prolongs the contact, frustration and hurt, and increases the anger you build up.

I know not everyone is a good person. I know so many people are out for number one. It isn't something I can wrap my head around because my mind doesn't function that way.

Cavan gave me his version of what he thinks of marriage and relationships in general. It's really depressing in the reality of what he says. I don't want to have to be that guarded all the time. That's one of the beautiful things about caring and loving someone. You get to be totally yourself, let all those walls down and just breathe without fear. Unfortunately he speaks the truth for the majority of people. I like to think I'm a rare one and have proven myself to be so far. It's not a challenge or something I even have to think about. It's just a matter of taking the higher road, doing the right thing and being a good person.

2010-10-20T21:19:00.000-04:00

I am mature, but laugh and giggle like a silly school girl
I am gentle, but will totally kick you if you mess with the people I love
I am submissive, but can dominate a conversation, give you a million opinions and take care of myself
I am intelligent, but appreciate the idiocy of certain shows
I am knowledgeable, but always open to learning more
I am woman, but don't have to roar to be heard
I am tender-hearted, but don't reveal it to everyone
I am weird, but more sane than most
I am sweet, but won't hesitate to roll my eyes
I am quiet, but sometimes make a lot of noise
I am responsible, but can take a day and do nothing but stay in my pajamas
I am a lover, but can debate with passion on various topics
I am articulate, but sometimes stutter

2010-10-20T20:16:00.002-04:00

As we get older we tend to learn more about who we are and what it is we want. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am and I'm finally proud to be the woman I am. I'm not perfect, but I'm perfectly flawed. I believe I'm a good communicator with an open mind and understanding of relationships and how they work. At least, how I believe a good one works.

I chatted a while today on the telephone with an old friend. Our friendship is falling apart and as each year passes I notice that I dislike her more and more. I try hard not to judge her, but the way she handles herself and marriage is something I don't want to be a part of. I realized this when she started using me as an alibi while visiting her lovers. Fortunately I have never been called out on it. I told her the last time to do what she wants, but I can't lie if I'm ever asked.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Admittedly I am a romantic at heart. Love stories, fairy tales and such are a nice thought. I know that life isn't always perfect like that. But I do believe a relationship that is strong, stable and filled with love can be had.

I remember being at a small shopping strip recently and found myself watching this older couple. I'm guessing their age was around middle seventies. There they were window shopping and holding hands when they drifted apart, admiring different ends of the window. Suddenly they realized this, look at one another and smiled before coming back together to hold hands.

Then I thought of my parents. They were married 49 years before my father passed. No relationship goes without problems and I know that they had their own. But I cannot really fathom being with someone that long, having that much trust and love. It exists, obviously.

Maybe I'm a fool for wanting something like that. I want to hold hands and love and trust and have little secrets. I want to be able to ramble and talk for hours or sit quietly and do nothing at all. I want to fall asleep each night together and wake with the warm sun.

Love is all around us and I feel that so many people let it go so easily without a fight or else ruin it with lies and deceit. I may make mistakes, but in it I'm always open and honest. Lying and being deceitful are things I cannot do or tolerate.

Of course, my past dictates this. I have had a really bad relationship. One filled with abuse and anger and hurt. I have had a mediocre relationship that was just enough to get by on. And I have had a tiny glimpse of a really good relationship.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to find that really good relationship and develop it into something wonderfully blissful. I'm not a very demanding or needy person. It doesn't take a lot to please me. I find amazing pleasure in the tiniest of things. I do, however, want someone to share all those things with.

2010-10-14T20:15:00.003-04:00

For a couple of months as I was driving to work I would see an elderly man sitting outside and he'd wave to me every single morning. It was always dark out, sometimes it would be raining and sometimes it would be chilly. He was always there and I always waved back.

For the past week or so he has not been outside. I have been wondering what happened to him. It's strange how he was a part of my morning routine and I didn't know anything about him. His name could be George or Scott or Tom. He might have family and friends, or he could be all alone. I cannot even describe his looks very well. Yet I was getting used to his presence.

I don't know who to ask about him. I like to think he's on vacation or visiting family somewhere. I hope that he is okay and that he returns.

Think about how many people are in your life that you don't really know. Maybe we should all take a little extra time to stop and say hello to the quiet person who blends in, ask the old man who has coffee every morning at the gas station how he is, tell the woman she is wearing a lovely shade of blue. If we would subtract all these strangers from our lives, we might be surprised at what we're missing. If we take a moment to say hello, we might be surprised at what we gain.

2010-10-12T05:52:00.003-04:00

Good morning, Palmyra! It's a bright and early 5:52 a.m., a little breeze is blowing that nasty skunk smell in my window. He seriously is going down. He being the skunk that is torturing and taunting me. I know he's out there. I ran into him a few times and even threw a few really hard items at him. Unfortunately I don't have great aim, but it did chase him away for the moment.

It's really dark out here in the early morning hours and I'm always afraid that turning the corner going to my car is going to put me in some kind of confrontation with him. I'm terrified he'll spray me. Wouldn't that just leave a lovely odor for me to carry around all day?

My research supports that they are not aggressive creatures, but I don't know if I'm buying that. And the only way to really get rid of him is to kill him or catch him, cage him and cart him off miles upon miles. If he isn't taken far enough away apparently he'll find his way back.

I'll say it again, he's going down. This is war.

2010-10-11T19:25:00.002-04:00

Blah. I have had a zillion thoughts swimming around in my head tonight. Unfortunately I couldn't put a single one to paper. I guess sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Or something like that. :)

Time for bed.

2010-10-11T18:18:00.002-04:00

If I had my choice I would be living the ole' "barefoot and pregnant" life, cleaning, cooking, dinner on the table for my man when he came home, and all that other 50's idealistic stuff. Minus the pregnant because that isn't happening any longer. Of course, I wouldn't want my desires to hold any other woman back so take it with a grain of salt and realize this is for ME only. But alas, I cannot do that. I work.

And because of that work, I had a yucky day today. Not yucky in the sense that my world is falling apart. Just yucky in that people are crazy and disorganized and I have no clue who does the hiring but they need to be fired!

My nuisance at work struck a nerve today by telling me that I cannot take my lunch at such a late hour. I really don't know if he is joking or is serious. Either way he doesn't know me that well and he is not my boss. Unfortunately I had to get rude with him and politely tell him to leave me alone and stop sticking his nose in my business. I know, sounds really rude, huh? It is all in the tone.

Everything to do with the new insurance company we just bought is in total chaos. Organized people, like myself and a few others, are just confused at the state of disorganization, lack of work flow and the number of chiefs trying to head the tribe. I don't want to be a chief. I just want to tell the chief what to do.

I like my job. The work I do is fun and I enjoy going to work for that so I'm trying hard to let the rest roll off my back. Sometimes it is tough when one minute we are leaving early due to lack of work and 15 minutes later we are working 3 hours overtime because all of a sudden there was found numerous applications that need to be taken care of immediately.

So I'll just daydream of my bare feet prancing around in the kitchen, humming and cooking, and being forced over the kitchen table or pushed to my knees. That seems to help me through the tough spots at work. I smile. I always smile and people comment that I'm the most smiling employee there is.

If only they all knew my secret. :)

Breezy with a chance of peace

2010-10-08T20:03:00.000-04:00

It is a wonderful day. The weather has cooled off and there's an amazing breeze blowing through the house. I have one load in the dryer and then my chores are completely done for the day. I do believe after that is finished I am going to take a long hot bath and put on my wonderful pink fuzzy cupcake covered pajamas and find an excellent movie to watch.

I have lost 4 pounds on my lifestyle change. Once I was over my initial "dangit, that's not enough!" thought, I'm pleased with the results so far. I slipped a couple of times and had a coca-cola, but I have also re-discovered a few really healthy food choices that I had lost somewhere in the land of processed food. I was parking right across the street from work, but starting tomorrow I'm 5 blocks away and that, coupled with taking the stairs, is an additional improvement to my health.

Work is taking up a lot of my time and pretty soon will take up even more as workload increases for a few months. I have to remember that sleep is just as important for me. 12 hours, 6 days a week is a lot of time put in the office and often times I can't get right to sleep when I get home or else I have a date night that throws everything off. It will all balance out in the end though as long as I keep the big picture in mind.

So, yes, I'm pleased so far.

A little revealing

2010-10-08T20:02:00.002-04:00

Yes, it is happening right now as I write. A special midnight rendezvous with myself. Not quite as exciting as it might sound. Just means my mind is unable to slow down so I can't sleep. Thought you were going to find something ultra-pervy here, didn't you? ;)

I never pay attention to how I put the toilet tissue on the roll. Lately I have been noticing that a lot of people tend to be a little weird about it. Whether it rolls from the top or the bottom, sooner or later it is going to run out. I'm just thankful that it is there.

With that said, I'm a little weird about things myself.

Please pick your feet up when you walk on my rugs, don't scoot them. I can't stand when a rug is messed up in any manner, whether it is not centered, rolled up on a corner or just crooked in some way. Drives me nutso.

I count corners. So many things have corners, both outside and inside. Looking around my bedroom right now there are corners on the door, the ceiling, the dressers, the chest, and window. Then things such as books, make up, pictures and cell phone. The list could go on and depending on the item there might be more than one set of corners. I do this without realizing it half the time. At least I know I can count.

Just a few nights ago I realized I cannot go through the guide on the television backwards. I don't care if I'm on channel 523, I scroll quickly all the way to the beginning, starting with channel 1, and then scroll down to look at my options. Doesn't matter if I'm looking for a specific channel even. I don't stop on it. I go to the beginning and then go down to it.

I love lip gloss and chapstick. I switched purses yesterday and had 9 different kind. I can only wear one at a time, why do I need so many? (I don't know, so quit asking me, please.)

My bedroom isn't all that huge. Looking around, right off the bat I can count 14 candles. That isn't counting the ones tucked away not for use yet or the tiny tea light candles. I'm preparing myself for the fall of the year. I love when there is a chill to the air, I can open my window and light candles in the dusk of the evening. And read a great book. That isn't the weirdness. The weirdness is I light them in order of size.

I must stop here. I can't have you thinking I'm "too" weird. Besides I need my beauty sleep.

Goodnight.

Peace for him

2010-10-08T20:00:00.000-04:00

My father came home from the hospital nine days ago. He knew he did not want to live the rest of his days on life support. The doctors said there was a very high probability that he wouldn't make the trip home and if he did it would be a few short hours before he passed.

For those of you that know my father, you know his strength and will power. He made it home. Obviously he made it nine days. His first two days home were amazing. He smiled, he ate and drank and just had great days. He looked good. So much so that we all started to really think positive. While he was bedridden, couldn't talk and was so very ill, he was home and clearly happy about it.

Within the next 36 hours he took a turn for the worse as his carbon dioxide built up. He had a bad night on Thursday. So much so that his nurse instructed us on what to give him out of his special care package.

On Friday the nurse came and bathed him. She did a great job. My dad was clean and spiffy and so handsome propped up in his bed. Oddly, from that moment on he didn't move, not a toe a finger or anything. He sat there so peaceful looking and it just seemed like he was okay with things, everything was right in his world.

Today at 11:45 a.m. he passed away. It has been a tough day for everyone, especially mom. Saying goodbye is difficult even when we know the peace he has received. He will forever be in our hearts and the wonderful memories we have will make us laugh, cry, and smile. He was such an amazing man and I have been so blessed and lucky.

Tough time

2010-10-08T19:59:00.000-04:00

My dad will be taken off all machines on Friday morning. My mom would really just like to take him home and those are his wishes as well. All doctors, nurses, respiratory staff and everyone feel he won't make it through the day. For those of you that know my dad he's a fighter and I like to think positive if only so that he may fall to rest in the comforts of his own home. The strange thing is that today he looks more handsome and better than he has in such a long, long time.

My mom and I went to the funeral home yesterday morning and made all of the arrangements. It was tough when we actually had to pick out a casket. I want my mom to be able to mourn without anything in the way. I believe while this was probably one of the toughest things she has ever had to do, she feels a little peace with having it done.

We've been sorting through pictures for a video and it has been amazing. We've all laughed and cried so many times as we sifted through the memories out loud. So many... I know I'm extremely thankful for the time we had to create them.

We had a busy, difficult day yesterday. Meetings with Hospice, doctors and social workers kept emotions high and flying in so many directions.

My family and I were presented with three options for my dad. First we were told he cannot survive without being on life support. He will never come off of it. My dad expressed his desires some time ago and living on a machine is not what he wants.

Option one is sending him to a nursing home to live out his life on a ventilator. Stuck in a bed, staring at a wall, away from home with strangers was ruled out.

Option two is sending him home on a ventilator. In order for this to happen at least 4 family members have to be trained and certified to take care of him. The electric company has to inspect the electric to make sure it is completely up to code. A generator has to be purchased. 24 hour care is required. All again for him to be stuck in a bed, staring in space, unable to talk or do anything.

Neither option one or two is really an option.

Option three is take him off the ventilator, get him home to the comforts of his own surroundings with the assistance of Hospice.

After long discussions and really just taking into fact what dad wants, we decided to take him home off the ventilator. His lung doctor says that they will have to keep him in the hospital for a few more days and make sure that he has not caught another case of pneumonia and then the ventilator will be turned off.

I know in my heart that dad wants to just be home. He has expressed so much lately how worn out and tired he is. His body is far too weak and with only 1/8 of one lung, he simply cannot keep up with his breathing to keep the carbon dioxide down and maintain enough oxygen.

The downside to this decision is that he simply may not survive the ambulance ride home. If he does, he may live an hour or a day. I really hope that he makes it home to the comfort of his chair. Other than this hospital stay, he has not had pain. This time around his back and hips have been hurting from being in bed and his neck is swollen and sore. All of his doctors feel fairly certain that he won't have any pain and believe he'll probably just fall asleep.

This morning he is getting a doppler test to check for blood clots in his arm. It is terribly swollen and seeping. He is being fed a steady stream of medicine to keep him comfortable. We are all thankful for this.

Four years ago when my mom found him unconscious on father's day we all thought we were going to lose him then. He has been in and out of the hospital since. He is definitely a fighter. It's sad to see him like this. It hurts and leaves a knot in my throat.

Love is just doing what is best for the one you love and taking out all selfish needs. My dad is a totally rocking, awesome dad and is very much loved.

More on Dad

2010-10-08T19:58:00.002-04:00

ad had to return to the hospital today. This morning found him seriously dazed and confused, unable to talk, walk, take medicine, eat, drink or do anything except fight to breathe and shake.

The ambulance came, checked his vitals and took him. Apparently on the way they had to give him more oxygen and once at the ER his oxygen had to be tripled to keep him breathing. So many tests and so much blood work. He now has pneumonia and for him this is a serious illness.

He had a difficult time breathing for a while. I could see his entire body jerking in order to do so. He is finally out of ER and in a room. He personally has no idea, but it is more convenient and restful for my mom. He is not doing well. He is still so unresponsive. They just ordered more tests.

Despite his weakness, his strength amazes me.

Dad Update

2010-10-08T19:58:00.001-04:00

After my last entry dad went to the hospital. He really didn't want to go but was in pain and couldn't move. He is back home tonight and for the first time really since he became sick, he is in pain. His body hurts and he can't walk. Nothing much can be done other than pain medicine. He's certainly glad to be home. I hope the medicine helps him. Mom has a difficult time. She can't move him by herself and we're all trying to help when and where we can. She's rather stubborn and likes to do it all herself, but I believe she is starting to realize assistance might be needed at times.

So like always, all I can say is that he is still with us and I am appreciating every moment.

My Dad

2010-10-08T19:57:00.001-04:00

Most of you that know me know that my dad is ill. He now refuses to go to the hospital. He says he is tired and would just rather stay home. At this point, I can't say that I blame him. Fortunately he is not in pain. He is down to 1/8 of a lung now and is extremely worn out. He feels like he isn't a man and is useless. Again, I can see his thinking on this. Though it is far from true. He has done his fair share of taking care of his family and being there in so many ways.

Lately he has been really saying silly things. A few days ago he advised us all that he would be making a list of rules that we have to go by. He rambled a bit about curfews and how to do this, that and the other. I think he thinks he is planning and it is his way of taking care of us even when he is gone. Of course, we go along with what he says mostly.

Typically me or one of my siblings sit with him while my mom gets out of the house. He told my mom just last night that he supposes she can go to bingo, but that us kids just don't know how to tend to him. And afterwards when she arrived home, he tells her that we didn't check on him at all. He realizes that he is lying. This is his good natured way of letting her know that he doesn't like her to leave, understands that she needs it at times, and that he is still the man of the house by "letting" her go.

My parents have their 49th wedding anniversary this Sunday. For years we have thought of having a huge 50th wedding anniversary party for them. I really am not sure he'll make it. According to his doctor he will not. Maybe we should have the party now instead of waiting. 49 years of marriage... that's so awesome. To be with the same person for that long, it's getting more and more rare. While I'm okay with relationships being shorter term, I find a wonderful beauty in such love and devotion.

He is losing his voice. It hurts for him to talk. He is losing a couple pounds a week. Those close to me know that he has been battling for a few years. He has been nicknamed the alien because he should have passed many times already and somehow pulled through.

So, I do realize my time with my dad is limited. I appreciate the rare funny comments and good days. While no one is perfect, I really am blessed to have such a good, decent, caring and wonderful dad.

A little sex story

2010-10-08T19:56:00.001-04:00

He threw me on the bed and thrust himself against me so hard that I knew my pussy would be bruised and sore the next day. His kisses were savage and demanding. His tongue invaded my warm mouth with such an intense mission that I lost my breath for a brief moment. My hands couldn't seem to find the right spot to settle on his body and I kept moving them around, pushing and grabbing all at the same time.

He took his time teasing me. His cock was hard against my cunt and I could feel my panties becoming soaked with each grinding motion. His lips found a path to my neck and his teeth sank into my soft flesh causing my body to buck upwards. I cried out as he went deeper leaving his mark on my tender skin and I tilted my head, offering him all of my exposed neck.

He pulled himself up off of me in a swift motion. His eyes bore into me. His words set me on fire, "get those clothes off, slut." Instantly I was up and tearing at my clothes, watching him watch me and blushing. Fumbling with the buttons on my pants, stumbling as I pushed them down and stepped out of them clumsily. As I stood there before him, my brown hair disheveled, my green eyes blazing with desire and my flesh quivering for his touch, I quickly took my black bra off. I reached for my panties, my eyes never leaving his, and before I could get them down, he pressed me against his closet door and ripped them off. His fingers took hold of the thin lace and tore them with ease from my ass.

My arms were quickly pinned above my head and once again I felt his cock pressing against me, only this time it was my ass that took the blunt of his hardness. I squirmed and wiggled, pressed myself back against him as hard as I could. I was hungry for all of him and it was difficult to just be the innocent girl when I craved his cock so badly.

Stepping back from me, he told me firmly not to move. I felt the air replace him and I shivered against the coolness of it. I listened to him move around. I wondered what he was doing. I silently willed him to come back to me, touch me in some manner or fashion. Taking deep breaths, they became exhaled sighs.

I heard him enter the room and to my delight I realized he was naked as he pressed himself against me yet again. Without thinking I lowered my arm, allowing my hand to graze over his right thigh, drawing him closer in need of him. He laughed a bit to himself mostly and easily put my hand back above my head. I knew then not to move them again. He kissed my back a few times, his lips so soft and light that I giggled.

"Is something funny?", he asked. I shook my head several times.

"Good", he said as he pulled my hair and guided me to the bed. He threw me down on my belly, kicked my legs apart and smacked my ass hard. I sensed him slipping down between my legs and still was surprised when he started biting my ass. He wasn't gentle. I laughed. It never fails, when his teeth sink into my ass, I laugh. He knows this. My body was shaking from the hard laughter. He stopped and I regained my composure after a few seconds. I lifted my upper body and felt my soft brown curls tickling down my backside. No sooner than I was up he was pushing my face into the bed and two fingers into my pussy.

With my head all but buried in the blankets, breathing was a bit difficult. I loved every second of it. He knew that I was turned on. His fingers were getting soaked with my juice. He worked them in and out with such expertise I could feel the orgasm just aching to be free. He pulled his fingers out and told me to flip and I did. Really fast.

He poked his fingers in my mouth and I sucked the pussy juice from them. He moved down my body and bit me everywhere. My nipples felt his teeth engage in a true battle, one that he was going to win. He sucked them and pretended to be nice. Then he bit into my left nipple so hard that I jerked and gasped. Biting my lip, I swallowed and let the pain wash over me. He gave my right nipple just as much attention.

Then he found my thighs. First one then the other, back and forth. His teeth dug deep and hard into my flesh, biting and sucking at the same time. It hurt, but I loved every second of it. It was delicious to be in that wonderful place. I could feel the bedsheets getting soaked and becoming a mess. He didn't relent for what seemed like an hour. He worked his teeth over my thighs. On occasion his tongue would flicker across my pussy. The entire time I cuddled a pillow and bit the corner of it.

He rose up and came over me, throwing the pillow to the side. Watching me intently he let his cock slide into the the sloppy mess of my cunt. I think we both let out low moans at the same time as his cock slid deep inside. My legs instantly went up and I grabbed my feet with my hands. He pumped fast, sliding out and then quickly back in. I whispered, I tried to talk, but all that came out was "please, please...." and he ignored me. He started moving faster and I could sense his urgency. My "please, please" came out again. He ignored me again. I started to wonder if it was my imagination and I really wasn't speaking. No, I was and my arms threw around him and this time I almost screamed it, "Please, please... pl..ease..." and his "yes" was all I needed to let go. I came all over his cock, squirting a warm mess around him and onto the sheets.

His cock slipped from me and he moved, pulling me across the bed as he stood. Standing, he kept pulling me. I knew from the way he pulled my hair and was standing that he wanted me on my knees before him. So there I went, of course with his helping hand in my hair. He roughly pushed his cock in my mouth. I gagged but refused to let it slip out for even a breath of air. I scooted closer, my hands roaming up around his thighs to his ass. I pulled him closer. I was ravenous for his cock.

My left hand wrapped around his shaft and stroked him. Saliva dripped from my mouth onto his cock and onto my thighs. I was drooling all over him. I sucked and sucked, stroking with a fast desire to taste his sperm. He eased up on my hair and I could hear the change in his breathing. I stroked his balls, tasted them in my mouth and licked around his shaft. My tongue swirled around the head of his beautiful cock and I sucked. I sucked him like the best cocksucker in town. My hand moved up and down his cock with an undeniable desire to have him cum. I wanted his orgasm in my mouth.

He gripped my hair firmly and thrust his hips. I kept on and I heard his low grunts. My thighs were soaked with my spit and the warm spot between my legs left a wet puddle on his carpet. Just then in a quick movement he pressed my head firmly into his crotch, thrust his cock down my throat and gave me the food I hungered for. He shot his load and I gobbled it all.

I kissed his cock, stroked it easily and sucked on the head. After a few times he gave me a little shove and toppled me over. I laughed. He moved to the bed and stretched out. I crawled up beside him and as I slowly slid my hand over his chest, I asked, "Can we do it again, please??"

Danger, Danger!

2010-10-08T19:53:00.002-04:00

I bet many of you have pondered how you could fall into a bath tub. It's a legitimate question that deserves an answer.

Cleaning. I'm telling you and insisting it can be dangerous to your health. I like cleaning, but I sometimes think everyone should have a maid. Not that the maid deserves to be put in a dangerous position either, mind you. It's just well, you get the idea.

This morning started off like any other. I woke up on the right side of the bed and decided to do some cleaning. I am talking serious, put on the clothes you don't mind ruining cleaning.

I started the laundry and then proceeded to vacuum the upstairs bedrooms. Somehow I always forget that the rooms have slanted ceilings so as I bent over to plug in the vacuum I came up and immediately hit my head. Keep in mind I have done this consistently on a regular basis. I figured I'd have learned by now, but I haven't obviously. I hit it so hard that I got dizzy for a brief moment and even used the F word. I did get over it and finished the vacuuming and making of the bed.

I then made my way down to the bath. Spraying the tub, I set about cleaning the rest of it before scrubbing the tub itself. This is where it all started. Or perhaps it really started back upstairs when I hit my head. Anyway, I'm bending over the tub, and it is a pretty big one, trying to reach the far side. I have a little hot water running and the fumes are starting to make me gag. My hair is all in my face and I'm pouting my lips and puffing hot air to get it out of my eyes when I fall head first into the tub. Umm, I said the F word again and I swear I hit the same spot on my head.

You can say you read it here first. I just stayed in the tub while a few tears fell and then I started laughing. I mean, despite the initial pain, it was a funny picture. Right then and there I decided it was time for a break. I crawled out of that tub, went straight to the kitchen and poured myself a tall glass of coca-cola and here I sit. I hope everyone appreciates the sharing that I do. I let go of all my pride to share these wonderful moments.

The moral of this story? Everyone, or at least me, should live on some isolated beach with an outdoor shower that requires little to no cleaning. And if this isn't possible, put your hair in a pony before cleaning and invest in a long handled brush.

Now I have to go tackle the kitchen. Please keep me in your prayers or come help me. They say there is safety in numbers.