Frustration and ANTICIPATION

I have had the most stressful and frustrating day.  Work hours have been cut, people are being let go, others are quitting and no one is being treating equal.  My check is hundreds short and will be until they figure out what is going on with hours.  I am thankful for my job, but I am not enjoying the stress of it right now.

I am so tired of babysitting and holding people's hands.  I am low person on the totem pole in that I have the shortest seniority and I am fairly certain the lowest pay.  However, I am the one that everyone comes to for answers or if they need a decision made or know how to do something.  I enjoy helping.  I enjoy the fact that I am a quick learner and a person that jumps right in and gets things done.  The current situation is making it very difficult to enjoy it all, though.

I am hanging in there and most often can keep a positive attitude.  Please keep your fingers crossed that I can maintain it.

On another note...

Thank goodness I also had something known as anticipation today.  I like the anticipation of knowing all day I will be seeing him tomorrow. It's an amazing feeling that feeling I get when I know I'll be doing something that I have longed for, that I have ached for.  Even though it has just been a couple of days, I get excited knowing the circle has been made and it is time to see him again.  My endorphins are high and I find myself in a state of euphoria. This anticipation randomly produces stomach butterflies and big smiles.

So, thank you Mr. S for helping me get through my day.

xoxoxoxo

A great night

I spent the night with Lamar.  As soon as I arrived at his house and walked in the door, I was floored by his handsome face sitting there on his exercise bike. A flood of emotions came over me and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to touch him.

While he showered, I warmed up his dinner that I had fixed for him at home.  I find that I really enjoy cooking for him.  I wish I could do it more.  I receive so much pleasure from doing things for him.

It was nice sitting on the couch together, just a few words exchanged here and there as we watched a movie.  I enjoy that closeness.  I enjoy being able to touch him.  He always relaxes me and puts me in a very peaceful, content place.

My fingers caressed his arm and leg, and when I was finally able to put my mouth on him, I thought I might just orgasm right then.  My entire body shivers when I feel him grow hard in my mouth.  As I am there before him on my knees or bent over and my flesh touches his, I can't explain how my body responds.  As the foreplay continue and then progressed, I wanted him inside of me.  I needed him inside of me.

I get so wet for him.  He turns me on and excites me like no one ever.  When he put his beautiful cock in me, my muscles instantly tightened around him.  I wanted him deeper.  I wanted him harder.  As our bodies touch and get sweaty together, I just want more.  My orgasms seem to fade into one and then another.  The best is when he fills me with his cum and we lay there together, breathing heavily and yet savoring the quiet.

At some point he got up and went to the restroom.  The bathroom light allowed me to watch him and admire his body. He slipped back in bed and I automatically found him.  My body gravitates to him.  It just seems natural and right.


Afterwards, he was snoring away and I was listening, thinking and enjoying being so close to him.  I realized last night that I really like him.  I was ecstatic and yet worrisome that I just might be falling for this wonderful man.  Normally I don't let this happen.  I keep my walls up and don't let things progress.  Last night I didn't care about any of that.  I want the walls to stay down.  I want things to progress.  I like that I feel this way.

I left this morning with a big smile.  I'm really not one for lingering in bed, but oddly every work day I stay over I find myself not wanting to get out of his bed.  So for now, I bask in the afterglow and wait until it happens again.

Being me

One of a child's often asked question is "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  From the moment I can remember I did not want to be a ballerina, race car driver, teacher or nurse.  I wanted to be a wife and a mom, a great wife and even greater mom.  I don't know if I accomplished being the great wife.  I was married for fifteen years, but ultimately divorce won out.  However, I do believe I am still working on the great mom.  I had wonderful kids who made it easy for me.

All of my life I will have a goal to be a great mom.  One day I will be a great grandma.  My kids know that no matter what they can come to me for anything at anytime.  I don't know if I will always have the answers or the immediate help they might need.  I do know that I will do my best and at the very least offer support and help as much as and as best as I can.

I should have been born ages ago when women stayed home and cooked and cleaned and raised the children.  My goals in life are simple.  I realize that being single I have to work.  This is a no brainer, common sense thing.  But I am an old soul somewhat in many ways.  I am at my best when I'm functioning as mom or in some kind of relationship manner where I am expressing my love and providing care of some kind or another.

My Mom

My mom moved to Florida in May.  My oldest brother followed her there.  I am so used to having her around that it feels strange.  Tonight it really hits home.

This afternoon mom was at the pool and started having chest pains.  She was taken to the hospital.  Fortunately everything appears to be fine, but they are keeping her overnight to monitor her.  I am so glad to hear that.  I am waiting for a call back for her room number.

I am a little lost, though.  I have always been the rock.  The entire time my dad was sick and anytime my mom had health issues while here, I was the one that kept everyone under control.  I was the one that talked to the doctors and then my siblings.

I knew that when my mom moved moments like this would happen.  I understand now how my mom feels when she finds out I am in the hospital.

So for now I am just waiting patiently and crossing my fingers that everything remains okay.

Idle hands to volunteer

Do you ever wonder about life, what you were meant to do or be?  Does it ever feel like there should be more to your picture, more to life?

I love my life.  I love the people in my life.

However, sometimes I feel like I could be doing more... I should be doing more.

All of my life I have been a very giving person.  I receive such pleasure and enjoyment, my life feels better, when I am doing and giving.  I don't know if it is because I need to be that busy or if I just feel more complete when I leave some kind of impact on someone's life.

Oddly, I am not a people person in general.  I'm not a very social person.  I don't require people around me.  Matter of fact, sometimes it stresses me out and I need to rest or take a break as if I have ran a marathon.

But I enjoy helping.  I enjoy that feeling of happiness when someone else is fulfilled and happy from the things I have done.  I believe my kids and the other people close to me can attest to this without feeling suffocated or smothered by me.

As my kids have gone out on their own, creating their own lives, and my mother's recent move to another state, I find myself a little idle.  Goodness knows when grandchildren come, they will be pampered and spoiled.

In the meantime I am considering finding a place to volunteer.  I would love to find people that I could help in some way.  I am a very understanding and empathetic individual.  That will be my project today - research and find somewhere that could utilize me and some of my time.

I met an amazing man

A couple of months ago I met a man online. It didn't take us too long to realize we would like to meet - so we did.  He lives a little over an hour away and he drove in to meet me for lunch on a Sunday afternoon.  It was a lovely lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  The conversation flowed and he made me laugh.  I enjoyed the time spent with him.

Shortly after that I got sick and the weekend we were supposed to meet again, I ended up in the hospital.  It was two weeks before I saw him again.  And quite honestly from that moment on I have thought about him every day.

We have spent quality time together.  I am excited when I know I will be seeing him and I am sad when I know it is time to leave him.

I told him that he rocks and it is quite literally true.  He is an amazing man.

With fingers crossed, I am hoping that I'll be writing plenty of good stuff about him and us.

That is all I am going to say for now.

Family

A couple of months ago my mom moved to Florida.  My oldest brother followed her.  I'm glad she is not down there alone.  She loves it.  She is active and making friends.  I was worried about her before.  Since my dad passed, she was spending her time sitting at the kitchen table doing nothing but smoking cigarettes.  She previously lived in the country.  It was very nice and peaceful, but she didn't have neighbors and rarely interacted with anyone except church or when we would visit.  Our visits weren't as often as would have been nice.  All the kids have jobs and lives of their own so she was very lonely.  Now, in Florida, I can hear the happiness in her voice when I talk with her.  My brother seems happy there as well.  I wish he would lower his expectations and standards and live a little.  He's so uptight sometimes.

My kids.. :)  well, they are awesome.  My son and his fiance will be getting married in one month.  They both are doing great.  My son's business has really taken off and his workload just gets heavier and heavier each day.  His fiance is on her way to her RN.   My daughter and her fiance bought a house and should be closing within the month and they will be getting married in three months.  My daughter is on her way to her RN, although she is currently taking a break from college and deciding if that's what she really wants.  Her fiance just got a promotion at the bank he works for.  I don't think I could be more proud of them.  They have turned into content, mature, responsible adults. I am happy.

Sometimes I wish my family got together more and were a more close-knit family.  My sister and her family are good people, but she is moody at times and sometimes so sensitive you have to watch everything you say around her.  I don't like that.  My other brother and his family are kind of distant.  He is temperamental and easily angered.  We do our best to get along and we probably do more than I am giving credit for.  It is amazing just how different we are.  Raised by the same parents, but all night and day.

I am not perfect.  Don't get me wrong, I certainly have flaws and one of them is I am more of a loner and prefer quiet times and small groups.  After spending too much time in crowds and such, I need down time.

So, alas, like everyone's life, mine isn't perfect.  My family isn't perfect.  But we are good and life is good.

Health

I haven't posted anything in quite some time.  My minutes and hours have been filled with work and doctors.  This year has been a crazy one for me.  I have been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, vulvodynia, pelvic floor dysfunction, gerd, pud, seasonal allergies, chronic sinusitis, TMJ and mild hearing loss.  In between all of that I have had so many UTI's and ear infections that the antibiotics have caused a major run of C-diff and colitis.

I just arrived home from the hospital a few hours ago.  I had an allergic reaction to one of the medicines that were given to me intravenously.  It made me red skinned and I itched so much that I was clawing at myself.  Then I was told that it was not supposed to be given to me via IV, only orally.  Nice to know after the fact.

The fluids and medicines worked fast, though.  My electrolytes and potassium didn't take too long to get back up to where they are supposed to be.  I am happy about that.  I must do better about making sure I am hydrated and getting proper nutrients.

So back to work for me tomorrow.  And yes, dear world, I still have not obtained princess status so no tiara. :)  I am still a working woman.

Vacation

Vacations should be spent doing nothing or at least doing things that you don't normally get to do. Things like read a book, dig my toes in the sand, sleep late, wear pajamas all day, take a road trip, no alarms and so forth.


This vacation I was able to urinate in two different doctor's offices and start new medicines that I have never taken before. I'm also putting a twist on things by working tomorrow for a co-worker whose father passed away. Then I will be off for two more days before it all starts again. My thoughts are with my co-worker. Losing a loved one is a tough moment and I'm glad she was able to spend time with her father before he passed.

Today I pulled out a sundress, a little sweater, a pair of sandals and a book. First I'm going to do a little shopping just for me. Then I'm going to pick up some lunch and find an outside spot to sit where I can eat leisurely and read. Later I will be helping my daughter get ready for her engagement pictures. My daughter has this head of the most unruly curls ever. The curls put Shirley Temple's locks to shame. My daughter decided she wants to straighten her hair for the pictures today. This will be about a two to three hour job.

Tonight I'm going to eat only finger food for dinner, sleep totally naked and fall asleep reading above mentioned book. The spiced rum I purchased for this lovely week has been pushed to the back of the cabinet and will have to wait for another time when I'm not so drug induced. Maybe at some point in the future I'll have a night out dancing and can celebrate something with it.

As for now, I need to get dressed. There are things to do, places to go, people to see.

My Little Update

What's going on in my life?


Sick again. Sinus infection and two raging ear infections. Right ear so bad it is almost closed. Explains the loss of hearing, and here I thought I was just getting old. :) So, yes, more medicine. Still having pelvic pain and added heavy bleeding and blood clots the size of my fist at times. Check up at gyno tomorrow for possible scheduling of full hysterectomy.

I have started tanning and an exercise routine. The exercising actually hurts a bit, but my doctor says it is okay as long as I'm sensible about it until we figure everything out. It feels good at the end of the day. I'm not losing weight and I'm okay with that as long as I'm feeling good afterwards. It's funny how during illness and stress some people can lose weight like socks in a dryer and others, like me, can't lose anything.

My mother will be moving to Florida in about 5 weeks. She is moving to a retirement community and I am so happy for her. I will miss her, but I think she will be so content and happy there. Plenty of people her own age and lots of activities will allow her to feel alive and be active again. I know where vacations will be spent at least from now on.

Both weddings are coming along smoothly. I am extremely proud of both of my children. They are growing into such amazing and responsible adults. They are caring and giving people. I'm glad that they've found such good partners.

Work is great and sucks all at the same time. I feel like I'm in charge of a daycare. Each day I'm frustrated at the lack of common sense, maturity and responsibility that a majority of the people I work with l have. But I'll weather through.

I haven't had time for much else. There are a few people I really miss that I need to make time for very soon.

My possessed car is finally fixed.

My nails are growing.

My hair is still short and I like it.

Oh.. and I'm on vacation this week! I have a bottle of spiced rum to drink. A stack of books to read. A hot tub to soak in. And maybe I will get out of my pajamas, maybe I won't.