I cannot have any more children. With that said, abortions are not for me. I love children far too much. There is a fine line there, though. If the doctor were to tell me that the baby or I would die, then I'd have to consider the abortion. But just to have one to terminate the pregnancy because I decided I didn't want to be pregnant is not something I could do. Note that this is my opinion and what works for me. I'm not against abortions in general. However, this should not be only my decision. The father should have say in things. If a father is liable for child support, then he certainly should have say in whether an abortion is had or not. I don't care if it is the woman's body. If it's the woman's body when she decides to abort, then it can be her body when she decides to keep the child and take care of it herself completely on her own.

Things cannot be both ways. We as humans tend to change things around to fit our needs, desires and moods. We read things and only pick out the few words or sentences that we want to. In doing so, things can be taken in a totally different context. We blow our horns when that car cuts over at the last minute but seem to forget when we do it ourselves because we aren't sure on directions or have our mind elsewhere.

These examples could go on and on. I'm guilty of little things like it myself. I'm not perfect, but I do try to not fall into these traps. Practice what you preach comes to mind right now. So does take the higher road and give as good as you expect to get in return.

We all seem to be in a rush and out for ourselves. Typically rules are in place for good reasons. Sometimes we don't know the reason therefore we might not understand things. We can't just go breaking rules to fit our moods. It's not the right thing to do.

I have seen far too many people complain about this, that or the other and yet two days later they do exactly what they were just complaining about. The world does not revolve solely around one individual.

I think we would all do well and remember this.

I am mature, but laugh and giggle like a silly school girl
I am gentle, but will totally kick you if you mess with the people I love
I am submissive, but can dominate a conversation, give you a million opinions and take care of myself
I am intelligent, but appreciate the idiocy of certain shows
I am knowledgeable, but always open to learning more
I am woman, but don't have to roar to be heard
I am tender-hearted, but don't reveal it to everyone
I am weird, but more sane than most
I am sweet, but won't hesitate to roll my eyes
I am quiet, but sometimes make a lot of noise
I am responsible, but can take a day and do nothing but stay in my pajamas
I am a lover, but can debate with passion on various topics
I am articulate, but sometimes stutter

As we get older we tend to learn more about who we are and what it is we want. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am and I'm finally proud to be the woman I am. I'm not perfect, but I'm perfectly flawed. I believe I'm a good communicator with an open mind and understanding of relationships and how they work. At least, how I believe a good one works.

I chatted a while today on the telephone with an old friend. Our friendship is falling apart and as each year passes I notice that I dislike her more and more. I try hard not to judge her, but the way she handles herself and marriage is something I don't want to be a part of. I realized this when she started using me as an alibi while visiting her lovers. Fortunately I have never been called out on it. I told her the last time to do what she wants, but I can't lie if I'm ever asked.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Admittedly I am a romantic at heart. Love stories, fairy tales and such are a nice thought. I know that life isn't always perfect like that. But I do believe a relationship that is strong, stable and filled with love can be had.

I remember being at a small shopping strip recently and found myself watching this older couple. I'm guessing their age was around middle seventies. There they were window shopping and holding hands when they drifted apart, admiring different ends of the window. Suddenly they realized this, look at one another and smiled before coming back together to hold hands.

Then I thought of my parents. They were married 49 years before my father passed. No relationship goes without problems and I know that they had their own. But I cannot really fathom being with someone that long, having that much trust and love. It exists, obviously.

Maybe I'm a fool for wanting something like that. I want to hold hands and love and trust and have little secrets. I want to be able to ramble and talk for hours or sit quietly and do nothing at all. I want to fall asleep each night together and wake with the warm sun.

Love is all around us and I feel that so many people let it go so easily without a fight or else ruin it with lies and deceit. I may make mistakes, but in it I'm always open and honest. Lying and being deceitful are things I cannot do or tolerate.

Of course, my past dictates this. I have had a really bad relationship. One filled with abuse and anger and hurt. I have had a mediocre relationship that was just enough to get by on. And I have had a tiny glimpse of a really good relationship.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to find that really good relationship and develop it into something wonderfully blissful. I'm not a very demanding or needy person. It doesn't take a lot to please me. I find amazing pleasure in the tiniest of things. I do, however, want someone to share all those things with.

For a couple of months as I was driving to work I would see an elderly man sitting outside and he'd wave to me every single morning. It was always dark out, sometimes it would be raining and sometimes it would be chilly. He was always there and I always waved back.

For the past week or so he has not been outside. I have been wondering what happened to him. It's strange how he was a part of my morning routine and I didn't know anything about him. His name could be George or Scott or Tom. He might have family and friends, or he could be all alone. I cannot even describe his looks very well. Yet I was getting used to his presence.

I don't know who to ask about him. I like to think he's on vacation or visiting family somewhere. I hope that he is okay and that he returns.

Think about how many people are in your life that you don't really know. Maybe we should all take a little extra time to stop and say hello to the quiet person who blends in, ask the old man who has coffee every morning at the gas station how he is, tell the woman she is wearing a lovely shade of blue. If we would subtract all these strangers from our lives, we might be surprised at what we're missing. If we take a moment to say hello, we might be surprised at what we gain.

Good morning, Palmyra! It's a bright and early 5:52 a.m., a little breeze is blowing that nasty skunk smell in my window. He seriously is going down. He being the skunk that is torturing and taunting me. I know he's out there. I ran into him a few times and even threw a few really hard items at him. Unfortunately I don't have great aim, but it did chase him away for the moment.

It's really dark out here in the early morning hours and I'm always afraid that turning the corner going to my car is going to put me in some kind of confrontation with him. I'm terrified he'll spray me. Wouldn't that just leave a lovely odor for me to carry around all day?

My research supports that they are not aggressive creatures, but I don't know if I'm buying that. And the only way to really get rid of him is to kill him or catch him, cage him and cart him off miles upon miles. If he isn't taken far enough away apparently he'll find his way back.

I'll say it again, he's going down. This is war.

Blah. I have had a zillion thoughts swimming around in my head tonight. Unfortunately I couldn't put a single one to paper. I guess sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Or something like that. :)

Time for bed.

If I had my choice I would be living the ole' "barefoot and pregnant" life, cleaning, cooking, dinner on the table for my man when he came home, and all that other 50's idealistic stuff. Minus the pregnant because that isn't happening any longer. Of course, I wouldn't want my desires to hold any other woman back so take it with a grain of salt and realize this is for ME only. But alas, I cannot do that. I work.

And because of that work, I had a yucky day today. Not yucky in the sense that my world is falling apart. Just yucky in that people are crazy and disorganized and I have no clue who does the hiring but they need to be fired!

My nuisance at work struck a nerve today by telling me that I cannot take my lunch at such a late hour. I really don't know if he is joking or is serious. Either way he doesn't know me that well and he is not my boss. Unfortunately I had to get rude with him and politely tell him to leave me alone and stop sticking his nose in my business. I know, sounds really rude, huh? It is all in the tone.

Everything to do with the new insurance company we just bought is in total chaos. Organized people, like myself and a few others, are just confused at the state of disorganization, lack of work flow and the number of chiefs trying to head the tribe. I don't want to be a chief. I just want to tell the chief what to do.

I like my job. The work I do is fun and I enjoy going to work for that so I'm trying hard to let the rest roll off my back. Sometimes it is tough when one minute we are leaving early due to lack of work and 15 minutes later we are working 3 hours overtime because all of a sudden there was found numerous applications that need to be taken care of immediately.

So I'll just daydream of my bare feet prancing around in the kitchen, humming and cooking, and being forced over the kitchen table or pushed to my knees. That seems to help me through the tough spots at work. I smile. I always smile and people comment that I'm the most smiling employee there is.

If only they all knew my secret. :)

Breezy with a chance of peace

It is a wonderful day. The weather has cooled off and there's an amazing breeze blowing through the house. I have one load in the dryer and then my chores are completely done for the day. I do believe after that is finished I am going to take a long hot bath and put on my wonderful pink fuzzy cupcake covered pajamas and find an excellent movie to watch.

I have lost 4 pounds on my lifestyle change. Once I was over my initial "dangit, that's not enough!" thought, I'm pleased with the results so far. I slipped a couple of times and had a coca-cola, but I have also re-discovered a few really healthy food choices that I had lost somewhere in the land of processed food. I was parking right across the street from work, but starting tomorrow I'm 5 blocks away and that, coupled with taking the stairs, is an additional improvement to my health.

Work is taking up a lot of my time and pretty soon will take up even more as workload increases for a few months. I have to remember that sleep is just as important for me. 12 hours, 6 days a week is a lot of time put in the office and often times I can't get right to sleep when I get home or else I have a date night that throws everything off. It will all balance out in the end though as long as I keep the big picture in mind.

So, yes, I'm pleased so far.

A little revealing

Yes, it is happening right now as I write. A special midnight rendezvous with myself. Not quite as exciting as it might sound. Just means my mind is unable to slow down so I can't sleep. Thought you were going to find something ultra-pervy here, didn't you? ;)

I never pay attention to how I put the toilet tissue on the roll. Lately I have been noticing that a lot of people tend to be a little weird about it. Whether it rolls from the top or the bottom, sooner or later it is going to run out. I'm just thankful that it is there.

With that said, I'm a little weird about things myself.

Please pick your feet up when you walk on my rugs, don't scoot them. I can't stand when a rug is messed up in any manner, whether it is not centered, rolled up on a corner or just crooked in some way. Drives me nutso.

I count corners. So many things have corners, both outside and inside. Looking around my bedroom right now there are corners on the door, the ceiling, the dressers, the chest, and window. Then things such as books, make up, pictures and cell phone. The list could go on and depending on the item there might be more than one set of corners. I do this without realizing it half the time. At least I know I can count.

Just a few nights ago I realized I cannot go through the guide on the television backwards. I don't care if I'm on channel 523, I scroll quickly all the way to the beginning, starting with channel 1, and then scroll down to look at my options. Doesn't matter if I'm looking for a specific channel even. I don't stop on it. I go to the beginning and then go down to it.

I love lip gloss and chapstick. I switched purses yesterday and had 9 different kind. I can only wear one at a time, why do I need so many? (I don't know, so quit asking me, please.)

My bedroom isn't all that huge. Looking around, right off the bat I can count 14 candles. That isn't counting the ones tucked away not for use yet or the tiny tea light candles. I'm preparing myself for the fall of the year. I love when there is a chill to the air, I can open my window and light candles in the dusk of the evening. And read a great book. That isn't the weirdness. The weirdness is I light them in order of size.

I must stop here. I can't have you thinking I'm "too" weird. Besides I need my beauty sleep.

Goodnight.

Peace for him

My father came home from the hospital nine days ago. He knew he did not want to live the rest of his days on life support. The doctors said there was a very high probability that he wouldn't make the trip home and if he did it would be a few short hours before he passed.

For those of you that know my father, you know his strength and will power. He made it home. Obviously he made it nine days. His first two days home were amazing. He smiled, he ate and drank and just had great days. He looked good. So much so that we all started to really think positive. While he was bedridden, couldn't talk and was so very ill, he was home and clearly happy about it.

Within the next 36 hours he took a turn for the worse as his carbon dioxide built up. He had a bad night on Thursday. So much so that his nurse instructed us on what to give him out of his special care package.

On Friday the nurse came and bathed him. She did a great job. My dad was clean and spiffy and so handsome propped up in his bed. Oddly, from that moment on he didn't move, not a toe a finger or anything. He sat there so peaceful looking and it just seemed like he was okay with things, everything was right in his world.

Today at 11:45 a.m. he passed away. It has been a tough day for everyone, especially mom. Saying goodbye is difficult even when we know the peace he has received. He will forever be in our hearts and the wonderful memories we have will make us laugh, cry, and smile. He was such an amazing man and I have been so blessed and lucky.