I have an aunt that lives in a small town.  It's probably still the old fashioned, close-minded town that it has always been.  One summer I spent some time with my aunt there. During my visit I spent most of my time at the local swimming pool, hiding out in the library or with my aunt in her kitchen.  She was an amazing cook and I would go help her make bread.  I can still picture the two of us in her kitchen.

This aunt was the most kind hearted lady I've ever known.  She'd never hurt a flea.  From the time I can  remember she has had a hard, difficult and trying life.  They were always poor and also lived fairly dirty.  I was always uncomfortable when we went to her house because of the filth.  We (my parents and siblings) would find a place to sit and stay there until we left, or the kids would all be outside.  During this specific summer for some reason I'm unclear of, her home was not the normal filth.  I'm sure it wasn't clean by my standards today or most people's, but it was better and this enabled me to enjoy the bread making and time with her.

Over the years nothing changed.  My aunt and her family remained poor and mostly dirty.  She had four
kids, my cousins.  Three boys and a girl who fell in as the third child.  As life passed and we grew older it was obvious the oldest boy and youngest boy were going to be a handful.  The handful soon changed into trouble.  They were always doing something.  Sometimes it was just boyhood misbehaving and other times it was more serious illegal stuff.

About ten years ago my aunt lost her second son in an accident.  He had made a decent life for himself,
joined the military and was living a good life.  The motorcycle accident was very bad and his funeral was a closed casket.  I cannot imagine the feeling of losing a child.  My aunt was living this.

Sadly and tragically, seven months later she lost her daughter and unborn grandchild to a drunk driver.  Once again, I couldn't imagine this loss.  Being a mother, I'm really unsure how she remained so sane through this.

For such tragedy to happen to her in such a short amount of time was unbelievable.  But she continued on.  She had two other children to love and help guide.  The two other children were soon to prove quite a burden on her and my uncle.  Throughout several years these two boys were in and out of jail, stole from their parents and generally put them through terrible times.

Unfortunately my aunt devoted herself to these two boys.  Perhaps it was craziness or simple a mother's
love or in her specific, a need to protect what she had left after having experienced such loss.  Always trying and protecting, making excuses for her two remaining sons, a couple years later left her almost speechless, limping and crippled in her right arm and hand from two strokes.  So many people would give up and become depressed, bitter and blaming the world at this point. But my aunt did not.  She always had a smile when you saw her.  Maybe somewhere inside she was hurting and perhaps bitter and blaming, but if so, it would be a surprise.  We never saw a glimpse of it.

After her strokes, she lost her husband to cancer.  Now here was this beautiful sweet lady left in the world with two sons to care for her.  They abused her, left her hungry and cold a times, stole from her, didn't take care of her properly.  My mom and my aunt tried to take her in and then tried to get her set up in a small apartment in an assisted living complex.  No amount of trying would convince her.  Her "boys" needed her and she wasn't leaving them.  As the years passed, her boys were in and out of jail and gave her 6 grandkids that were left in her care half the time.

To me it seemed like such a hard life.  Burden after burden put upon her and yet she was steadfast loyal
and loving to her family and never got down.

My aunt went to the doctor last Monday for a cold and was given medicine.  This medicine didn't help and
a few days later she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia.  This might be the most lucky thing for
her in years. Time will tell. While in the hospital they took routine x-rays and found a huge mass on her lung and after further examination found another mass on her liver.  Right now they are leaning towards 90% cancerous.  She has doctor appointments this week and next.

My mom, my sister and I went to visit her on Saturday.  We walked in the door to find this grey haired lady looking a little worse for wear.  But when she realized it was us, her entire face lit up and she started crying and smiling from ear to ear.  She repeated over and over how happy she was to see us and how she had missed us.

At some point everyone went into the bedroom to talk to my cousin about his mom's condition.  I stayed
with her at the kitchen table.  It was wonderful.  We laughed and cried.  She was sad for a bit when she
spoke of her lost children, mentioning how it is so hard and she never forgets.  But she quickly moved
past it and spoke of her desire to get her hair cut and washed.  I teased her telling her we will find her a hot handsome male nurse to take care of her.  She looked confused for a moment, then her face lit up and she tossed her hand up in the air, stating "To hell with it, if he's be okay with it then so would she."  And then she just laughed.  She told me how much she loved her coffee.  The things she spoke of were simple and yet obviously joyous things to her.

Our visit lasted a while longer.  There was a lot of laughter and some tears.  My aunt was unable to attend my dad's funeral and she loved him so much.  She apologized over and over for that.  We spoke of old memories.  It was a great visit.  She'd get frustrated when she couldn't get out exactly what she wanted to say.  Her face would contort and you could tell she was trying so hard.  She always figured it out and communication was not an issue.

We promised her we'd come back and soon.

I don't know what lord or god she believes in.  I don't know what faith or spirituality she thinks of.  But I sincerely hope that everyone that comes in contact with her throughout her illness and the rest of her days remember that she is such a lovely woman and that they all take the best care of her possible.  I learned something from her that day.  Our live is what we make it.  We all come across our own trials and tribulations, but it is how we react and respond and move forward that defines us.  We can choose the path of self-pity and depression or we can take something good out of it all and smile, moving on with as positive attitude as we can.  Sometimes we get what we asked for, good or bad, and other times everything is out of our control.  But our internal happiness, the fondness for good times and joy for life, are things we can control.

My short version story here of her life is very limited and small telling in the big scheme of what her life really was.  For every huge tragedy she experienced there were a thousand small ones she conquered every day of her life.

I felt her smiles and happiness.  I felt her loss and sorrow.  I sat there and remembered life with her and was amazed at her strength and will.  As I walked out the door, I felt love and compassion. I am going back to see her again this week. If she hasn't gotten that haircut yet, I'm going to take her.  I realized sitting there at that kitchen table that we're all growing older and we need to appreciate, value and take the time to see the people we love.

We all have some power and it is time we start exercising it.  At least, I know it is for me.

Busy Beaver

I have been on my knees cleaning the kitchen floor, sprawled across the bathroom tub and been half in the kitchen cabinets.  I have used a full size vacuum and a mini-dustbuster.  I have cooked a hash brown casserole, have another in the oven, made a cake, drank 4 ounces of coca-cola and 24 ounces of water.  I've contemplated a glass of wine, written a couple blog posts, applied for three jobs, exchanged messages with two people, talked to both my children and my mom. I've thought of the Bossman and taken the dogs for a walk.

I loaded the dishwasher, watched 5 minutes of a movie, turned on my country music, shed a few tears, thought of my dad, tossed out some moldy bread and went to the restroom three times. I did a load of laundry, wiped down the cabinets, packed a bag of clothes to give away, and brought in the trash can. 50 crunches, 10 push ups and 20 squats later I'm sitting on the love seat wondering what else there is for me to do today.

I imagine I'll cook something else.  I'm going strong on my "meals on wheels" and really just like cooking.  I still have another load of laundry, need to change the sheets on my bed, take the dogs for another walk, feed the cat, clean the downstairs bathroom, drink that glass of wine, shower and get cleaned up for the munch tonight.  Somewhere in there I'll problem do a much more feminine Tom Cruise imitation and dance across the living room floor in my t-shirt and socks.  It's so much fun on the hardwood floors.  I hope the neighbors enjoy it.

I'm like a little jack in the box.  I sit still long enough for the lid to be closed and then ta-da I'm right back up as soon as my mind gets cranked on something else to do.  I stay up late and get up early.  I'm the energizer bunny without the ears and fluffy tail.

Introvert

This is NOT my writing, but it is me.  Credit and thanks given to "About.com"
__________________


Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness.  Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind.  They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings.  They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy.  This is true even if they have good social skills.  After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression.  It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desires to be quietly introspective.

Being introspetive, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations.  However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Too many men

I realized tonight that there are an awful lot of men in my life for me to be single.

I call my car "Johnny."

The shower head is my boyfriend.  He doesn't have a name.  It's easier for me to just cry out "OMGodd...dddddd" than remember a specific name.

George is my fantasy man.

The cable man is Lonnie. I've been seeing a lot of him lately.

The neighbor who walks his dog is Tom.  He's a twice daily interaction.

Then there is Mr. Bubbles who "makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty!"  I'm a sparkling clean little girl.  Dangit!

And OMG, Mr. Clean gives me erasers and liquids, coupons and tips. He's a real slave driver at times.

My mom was going to get me a Tom Tom for Christmas and I screamed NOOOOO!

I simply cannot handle any more of these kind of men in my life. CALGON take me away!!!!

A little color

Color.  We all need a little color in our live.


Life can be boring at times.  The normal routine of our daily life can take over and leave life mundane if we're not careful.  Now, there isn't anything wrong with boring and mundane at times.  Truth be known, most of the time it's fine and dandy.  But sometimes we need to shake things up, cause a little ruckus, create a bit of commotion, laugh until we cry and smile until our face hurts.  It wouldn't hurt to dance in the rain or stomp in a mud puddle.  You'd be surprised at how a walk around the lake would make you feel.  Go out and dance, dance until you're sweating and flushed.  Be daring, venture out to a new place.  Go watch a movie by yourself.  Open the door for a stranger.  Take a road trip and let it lead to an adventure.  Let your sister set you up on the blind date.  Take your wife out for a night on the town in that new dress she wants so badly.  Turn off the TV and talk.  Or turn on the TV, make out and cuddle all night.  Drink a glass of wine and giggle.  Plan a vacation and really enjoy it.

Then you can get back to boring and mundane.  Until the next spark hits you.

Don't be a chicken like me.  Like so many others.

Add that color to your life.