I am a dork. Maybe.

I am a dork and a big baby tonight.  I am sensitive and emotional.  I don't understand how a man can get in my head and heart within such a short amount of time.  I miss seeing him.  I feel silly for all of what I am feeling.  So I am going to bed.

My girl friend and I were talking last night about sex.  We were getting pretty graphic and telling how we enjoyed it, what we like and don't like.  Sometime in the conversation I told her I much prefer to have all day sex or three day sex.  She was flabbergasted.  She couldn't understand how I could do that or what kind of man I was involved with that could go that long.  I am pretty sure about that time I looked at her like she was insane.

I firmly believe so many people have lost the art of love making.  Sex isn't always just intercourse.

Don't get me wrong.  I love a moment of hot passion and hard pounding that lasts five minutes.  Those well-known quickies have their purpose.  But what I prefer most often goes much deeper and lasts much longer.

Sometimes it's a cuddle on the couch that lasts during two whole movies and the entire time your hands are gently caressing some part of one another because you simply cannot sit that close and not touch.

It's 2:00 a.m. and a wake up call that leaves us moaning.  I will not ever get mad if my partner wakes me up in the middle of the night for a make-out session or sex.  I might be half asleep, but you can guarantee I am going to remember ever minute of it and I will fall back asleep breathless and smiling.

It is that moment when we are out to dinner and I lean over to whisper that I do not have any panties on beneath my little sundress.

Love making starts the moment we wake up and ends the moment we fall asleep exhausted.  It is a word, a look, a touch, a thought, a note.  It is a combination of reality and fantasy.  It merges when two people can make the most of every situation and still come out with passion and lust, love and concern for the other.

Sometimes it is gentle.  Sometimes it is rough.  Sometimes it might not even be sex in the truest form.  But it is always perfect.

Statement

I am bummed.  

Oh well.

Saturday with Lamar

I had a wonderful Saturday with Lamar.  I went to his house after work, arriving around 3:00 p.m.
The door wasn't open when I got there and it felt weird.  I rang the door bell and waited.  After several minutes, I knocked a few times and waited about five more minutes before sending him a text.  I am guessing about ten minutes had passed and I didn't know whether to keep knocking, texting, calling, leave or what.  My desire to see him won over and I knocked again. Several minutes later and there he was at the door.  I am not sure why leaving entered my mind.  Probably because most relationships I find myself in tend to end up ending without the man really being a man and saying so.  Does that statement make sense?  I know my thinking gets a little askew at times.  Anyway, like I said, I wanted and needed to see him so I kept knocking.

We decided to go see Ted at the movies.  It turned out to be a funny movie and worth seeing.  I always enjoy sitting in the dark with him.   I can't really even explain that statement.  It is just what it is.  There's something romantic about sitting in the dim movie theater, legs and arms occasionally brushing, holding hands or hands resting on legs.  It is just one of life's little pleasures.

After the movie we went back to his house and hung out.  He had some lunch leftovers and I just relaxed on the couch.  Then it was movie time again.  I got in my comfy clothes and then got in my favorite spot - next to him.   I have become such a movie and television person since meeting him.  I'm antsy and sitting still is hard sometimes for a few reasons, but he has given me one pretty good reason to enjoy it.

At the end of the night it was time for sex.  It isn't like we schedule it in.  We don't call one another and say, "Ok, we can have sex Saturday night at 9:05 p.m."   We just like it, so we do it.  And trust me, it is marvelous.  I really love giving him oral.  My entire body quivers when he gets hard in my mouth and I take him deep.  My legs are always here and there, one minute it is slow and gentle and then the next it is hard and deep.  Every part of our lovemaking is special. I can't pick one act, one moment that stands out the most.  From the moment it starts to the moment it ends, I savor it all.

It is cute and funny because most often he falls asleep afterwards pretty fast.  There we are in the afterglow, gently caressing one another and then I hear him snoring.  I like that spot in his bed next to him, some part of our body touching.  When I wake in the middle of and I am not touching him, it's nice to be able to just shift slightly and find him.

I woke up pretty early and couldn't get back to sleep.  I took a shower and then did some cleaning for him.  I did the dishes and cleaned the bath tub.  I tried to sweep his floors, but wasn't thrilled with the dust broom and really wasn't sure how to clean the wood floors.  Maybe I should check into proper floor care.  I enjoyed the cleaning and had the music playing in the background.... country!  I didn't turn it up to loud so he wouldn't wake up and certainly not to country music.

I was curled on the couch reading a book when I heard him say good morning and saw his naked self walking across the bedroom to the bathroom.  We hung out more, cuddled on the sofa and then took off after noon to Cracker Barrel for lunch.  It was a quiet time.  I noticed that sometimes we talk a lot and other times not so much.  I am okay with that and I hope he is.  I have never been one to think every minute has to be filled with conversation.

We both were full and somewhat tired.  Back at his house he didn't come back out to the living room and I went searching to find him on the bed.  He was ready to relax and rest.  I curled up right behind him and gently started rubbing his back and side.  It was extremely peaceful.

Then it was time to go home.  It is always time to go home.  That moment when I know I should go so I can take care of the things I need to and the desire to stay longer is a tough moment.  But I can handle the tough moments as long as the circle comes back around.  :)

Morning Time

Saturday morning quiet time is wonderful.  It is that moment when I am ready for work and just lounging around.  There isn't any activity in the house or neighborhood.  Everything is quiet except the random bark of a dog.  I'm not really sure what he is barking at and knowing him, probably nothing but his own shadow.

These are the moments to savor.  I remember when the kids were little and I would be up and about before they even thought of getting out of bed.  It was in that moment that I was just me and for a brief second I forgot responsibility.  I allowed myself that time to enjoy a book, linger in the bath or just sit on the porch.

My kids are grown and I don't have a porch now.  But I still have the quiet.  The quiet can be beautiful.

All Over the Place

I'm antsy and restless, but have no desire to do much of anything.  I am lounging in bed, laptop in lap, television on in the background and thoughts that are so all over the place that it is difficult to settle on anything specific to write about.

I want to dance in the rain and jump on a bed.

I want him to make love to me and stay in bed together the entire weekend.

I want a road trip with no agenda.

I want a new pair of brown boots for fall.

I'm on my period, and no you don't get the details, and I'm extra sensitive and emotional.  Perhaps that explains my mind being all over the place.  My bladder is a little tender tonight as well - thanks to the crazy period.  Maybe, period or no period, I am just a sensitive kind of woman anyway.

I want a soft serve ice cream machine.

I want cooler weather.

I want him to kiss me like he means it.

I want to  go lingerie shopping.

I am hungry.  I ate soup and some popcorn today.  I'm craving something delicious and hot.  What shall that be?  Clearly I don't know or I wouldn't still be hungry.  I am going to recipe hunt and find some foods to experiment with.

Oh, I want an apron... a princess tiara... and heels that match the apron.

I could use some Calgon to take me away, his touch to melt me and that new cold pillow I saw on the infomercial.

My Son

Two weeks from tomorrow and my baby boy gets married.

He is 23 and a wonderful young man.  His fiance is 21 and a sweet girl.

I am 43 and have the mommy blues.

I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday.  Labor was a piece of a cake and a little bit of a back ache.  Then there he was - my beautiful, perfect son.  I cried the moment I knew I was pregnant and I have been randomly crying joyous tears since.

As a child, he was always thoughtful and caring.  His world was his small little bubble of people and to this day he is still like that.  He was strong willed and stubborn, intelligent and easily bored.  He was always up for an adventure.  He is still all of these things.

He has grown into a happy, content, responsible and loving adult.  I am so very proud of him.

While I miss the younger years and would love those years backs, I wish him the best of love and happiness in his new chapter of life that he is getting ready to begin. I hope that every day gets better and better.

He deserves the world.  I hope that he simply always remains happy no matter where life takes him.

Now you see, I am crying again.

Frustration and ANTICIPATION

I have had the most stressful and frustrating day.  Work hours have been cut, people are being let go, others are quitting and no one is being treating equal.  My check is hundreds short and will be until they figure out what is going on with hours.  I am thankful for my job, but I am not enjoying the stress of it right now.

I am so tired of babysitting and holding people's hands.  I am low person on the totem pole in that I have the shortest seniority and I am fairly certain the lowest pay.  However, I am the one that everyone comes to for answers or if they need a decision made or know how to do something.  I enjoy helping.  I enjoy the fact that I am a quick learner and a person that jumps right in and gets things done.  The current situation is making it very difficult to enjoy it all, though.

I am hanging in there and most often can keep a positive attitude.  Please keep your fingers crossed that I can maintain it.

On another note...

Thank goodness I also had something known as anticipation today.  I like the anticipation of knowing all day I will be seeing him tomorrow. It's an amazing feeling that feeling I get when I know I'll be doing something that I have longed for, that I have ached for.  Even though it has just been a couple of days, I get excited knowing the circle has been made and it is time to see him again.  My endorphins are high and I find myself in a state of euphoria. This anticipation randomly produces stomach butterflies and big smiles.

So, thank you Mr. S for helping me get through my day.

xoxoxoxo

A great night

I spent the night with Lamar.  As soon as I arrived at his house and walked in the door, I was floored by his handsome face sitting there on his exercise bike. A flood of emotions came over me and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to touch him.

While he showered, I warmed up his dinner that I had fixed for him at home.  I find that I really enjoy cooking for him.  I wish I could do it more.  I receive so much pleasure from doing things for him.

It was nice sitting on the couch together, just a few words exchanged here and there as we watched a movie.  I enjoy that closeness.  I enjoy being able to touch him.  He always relaxes me and puts me in a very peaceful, content place.

My fingers caressed his arm and leg, and when I was finally able to put my mouth on him, I thought I might just orgasm right then.  My entire body shivers when I feel him grow hard in my mouth.  As I am there before him on my knees or bent over and my flesh touches his, I can't explain how my body responds.  As the foreplay continue and then progressed, I wanted him inside of me.  I needed him inside of me.

I get so wet for him.  He turns me on and excites me like no one ever.  When he put his beautiful cock in me, my muscles instantly tightened around him.  I wanted him deeper.  I wanted him harder.  As our bodies touch and get sweaty together, I just want more.  My orgasms seem to fade into one and then another.  The best is when he fills me with his cum and we lay there together, breathing heavily and yet savoring the quiet.

At some point he got up and went to the restroom.  The bathroom light allowed me to watch him and admire his body. He slipped back in bed and I automatically found him.  My body gravitates to him.  It just seems natural and right.


Afterwards, he was snoring away and I was listening, thinking and enjoying being so close to him.  I realized last night that I really like him.  I was ecstatic and yet worrisome that I just might be falling for this wonderful man.  Normally I don't let this happen.  I keep my walls up and don't let things progress.  Last night I didn't care about any of that.  I want the walls to stay down.  I want things to progress.  I like that I feel this way.

I left this morning with a big smile.  I'm really not one for lingering in bed, but oddly every work day I stay over I find myself not wanting to get out of his bed.  So for now, I bask in the afterglow and wait until it happens again.

Being me

One of a child's often asked question is "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  From the moment I can remember I did not want to be a ballerina, race car driver, teacher or nurse.  I wanted to be a wife and a mom, a great wife and even greater mom.  I don't know if I accomplished being the great wife.  I was married for fifteen years, but ultimately divorce won out.  However, I do believe I am still working on the great mom.  I had wonderful kids who made it easy for me.

All of my life I will have a goal to be a great mom.  One day I will be a great grandma.  My kids know that no matter what they can come to me for anything at anytime.  I don't know if I will always have the answers or the immediate help they might need.  I do know that I will do my best and at the very least offer support and help as much as and as best as I can.

I should have been born ages ago when women stayed home and cooked and cleaned and raised the children.  My goals in life are simple.  I realize that being single I have to work.  This is a no brainer, common sense thing.  But I am an old soul somewhat in many ways.  I am at my best when I'm functioning as mom or in some kind of relationship manner where I am expressing my love and providing care of some kind or another.

My Mom

My mom moved to Florida in May.  My oldest brother followed her there.  I am so used to having her around that it feels strange.  Tonight it really hits home.

This afternoon mom was at the pool and started having chest pains.  She was taken to the hospital.  Fortunately everything appears to be fine, but they are keeping her overnight to monitor her.  I am so glad to hear that.  I am waiting for a call back for her room number.

I am a little lost, though.  I have always been the rock.  The entire time my dad was sick and anytime my mom had health issues while here, I was the one that kept everyone under control.  I was the one that talked to the doctors and then my siblings.

I knew that when my mom moved moments like this would happen.  I understand now how my mom feels when she finds out I am in the hospital.

So for now I am just waiting patiently and crossing my fingers that everything remains okay.

Idle hands to volunteer

Do you ever wonder about life, what you were meant to do or be?  Does it ever feel like there should be more to your picture, more to life?

I love my life.  I love the people in my life.

However, sometimes I feel like I could be doing more... I should be doing more.

All of my life I have been a very giving person.  I receive such pleasure and enjoyment, my life feels better, when I am doing and giving.  I don't know if it is because I need to be that busy or if I just feel more complete when I leave some kind of impact on someone's life.

Oddly, I am not a people person in general.  I'm not a very social person.  I don't require people around me.  Matter of fact, sometimes it stresses me out and I need to rest or take a break as if I have ran a marathon.

But I enjoy helping.  I enjoy that feeling of happiness when someone else is fulfilled and happy from the things I have done.  I believe my kids and the other people close to me can attest to this without feeling suffocated or smothered by me.

As my kids have gone out on their own, creating their own lives, and my mother's recent move to another state, I find myself a little idle.  Goodness knows when grandchildren come, they will be pampered and spoiled.

In the meantime I am considering finding a place to volunteer.  I would love to find people that I could help in some way.  I am a very understanding and empathetic individual.  That will be my project today - research and find somewhere that could utilize me and some of my time.

I met an amazing man

A couple of months ago I met a man online. It didn't take us too long to realize we would like to meet - so we did.  He lives a little over an hour away and he drove in to meet me for lunch on a Sunday afternoon.  It was a lovely lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.  The conversation flowed and he made me laugh.  I enjoyed the time spent with him.

Shortly after that I got sick and the weekend we were supposed to meet again, I ended up in the hospital.  It was two weeks before I saw him again.  And quite honestly from that moment on I have thought about him every day.

We have spent quality time together.  I am excited when I know I will be seeing him and I am sad when I know it is time to leave him.

I told him that he rocks and it is quite literally true.  He is an amazing man.

With fingers crossed, I am hoping that I'll be writing plenty of good stuff about him and us.

That is all I am going to say for now.

Family

A couple of months ago my mom moved to Florida.  My oldest brother followed her.  I'm glad she is not down there alone.  She loves it.  She is active and making friends.  I was worried about her before.  Since my dad passed, she was spending her time sitting at the kitchen table doing nothing but smoking cigarettes.  She previously lived in the country.  It was very nice and peaceful, but she didn't have neighbors and rarely interacted with anyone except church or when we would visit.  Our visits weren't as often as would have been nice.  All the kids have jobs and lives of their own so she was very lonely.  Now, in Florida, I can hear the happiness in her voice when I talk with her.  My brother seems happy there as well.  I wish he would lower his expectations and standards and live a little.  He's so uptight sometimes.

My kids.. :)  well, they are awesome.  My son and his fiance will be getting married in one month.  They both are doing great.  My son's business has really taken off and his workload just gets heavier and heavier each day.  His fiance is on her way to her RN.   My daughter and her fiance bought a house and should be closing within the month and they will be getting married in three months.  My daughter is on her way to her RN, although she is currently taking a break from college and deciding if that's what she really wants.  Her fiance just got a promotion at the bank he works for.  I don't think I could be more proud of them.  They have turned into content, mature, responsible adults. I am happy.

Sometimes I wish my family got together more and were a more close-knit family.  My sister and her family are good people, but she is moody at times and sometimes so sensitive you have to watch everything you say around her.  I don't like that.  My other brother and his family are kind of distant.  He is temperamental and easily angered.  We do our best to get along and we probably do more than I am giving credit for.  It is amazing just how different we are.  Raised by the same parents, but all night and day.

I am not perfect.  Don't get me wrong, I certainly have flaws and one of them is I am more of a loner and prefer quiet times and small groups.  After spending too much time in crowds and such, I need down time.

So, alas, like everyone's life, mine isn't perfect.  My family isn't perfect.  But we are good and life is good.

Health

I haven't posted anything in quite some time.  My minutes and hours have been filled with work and doctors.  This year has been a crazy one for me.  I have been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, vulvodynia, pelvic floor dysfunction, gerd, pud, seasonal allergies, chronic sinusitis, TMJ and mild hearing loss.  In between all of that I have had so many UTI's and ear infections that the antibiotics have caused a major run of C-diff and colitis.

I just arrived home from the hospital a few hours ago.  I had an allergic reaction to one of the medicines that were given to me intravenously.  It made me red skinned and I itched so much that I was clawing at myself.  Then I was told that it was not supposed to be given to me via IV, only orally.  Nice to know after the fact.

The fluids and medicines worked fast, though.  My electrolytes and potassium didn't take too long to get back up to where they are supposed to be.  I am happy about that.  I must do better about making sure I am hydrated and getting proper nutrients.

So back to work for me tomorrow.  And yes, dear world, I still have not obtained princess status so no tiara. :)  I am still a working woman.