The apartment I live in has three floors. The basement is a walkout. The first floor is entered through the front door into the foyer with a dining room, half bath, kitchen and living room with a balcony off of it. The top floor has two bedrooms and two baths. My bedroom has two windows that are right above the balcony.
I know you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this. There is a reason.
I have terrible dreams sometimes. They wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes crying and with a difficulty getting back to sleep. This has been happening all week.
Throw on top of it all the fact that I have been hearing strange noises randomly for a few weeks and that I somehow cannot stop thinking about movies like "The Panic Room" and "The Shining", and I'm scared.
So scared in fact that I put my purse by my bed and have mastered a plan that allows me to hang out my bedroom window and jump down onto the balcony, slide cat-like along the rail to the privacy fence and all but somersault down to the drive where the car sits.
I was telling my son this tonight and he got a great laugh out of it and then admitted that it was a good plan if I could put it into action fast enough.
I should probably do a test run on it, but I think the neighbors might think I'm a bit "touched" if they see me doing this. Some might consider me "touched" just from the mere thought of it all.
It's a getaway plan that's always good to have just in case for various reasons. I know it sounds a little crazy and I shouldn't be that scared, but it is what it is. My mind is always going in one direction or another, sometimes at the same time.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Road Rage
I rarely curse. The words just don't seem natural coming out of my mouth. On an occasion I'll do so when repeating a story or some thing someone said or if I am extremely mad. I realized driving home today that holds true except when I'm driving alone.
I was turning left and waited for the pedestrians to walk then proceeded to turn only to be stopped by three people walking out between cars. "Dang Ding-Bats! Crosswalks, ya know!" Later on the expressway someone drives all the way up the middle lane in order to be in front of the line in the right lane instead of waiting patiently like everyone else. "Seriously! Fudgin' Freaks!!"
I'm stating these things out loud, in my car, driving down the road. This is how it goes...
Driving
"I love Rock n Roll" (That's me singing)
Left turn
Pause
Pedestrians go
Forward on the gas
Hit the brakes
Pedestrians sneak out between cars
"Dang Ding-bats! Crosswalks, ya know!!"
"Put a dime in the jukebox, baby!" (me singing again)
I'm like a three ring circus in my car. If you were a little birdy I am certain you'd crack up as you look at me cross-eyed wondering about my sanity.
I might have a touch of road rage, but it's the sweetest, goofiest road rage you'll experience.
I was turning left and waited for the pedestrians to walk then proceeded to turn only to be stopped by three people walking out between cars. "Dang Ding-Bats! Crosswalks, ya know!" Later on the expressway someone drives all the way up the middle lane in order to be in front of the line in the right lane instead of waiting patiently like everyone else. "Seriously! Fudgin' Freaks!!"
I'm stating these things out loud, in my car, driving down the road. This is how it goes...
Driving
"I love Rock n Roll" (That's me singing)
Left turn
Pause
Pedestrians go
Forward on the gas
Hit the brakes
Pedestrians sneak out between cars
"Dang Ding-bats! Crosswalks, ya know!!"
"Put a dime in the jukebox, baby!" (me singing again)
I'm like a three ring circus in my car. If you were a little birdy I am certain you'd crack up as you look at me cross-eyed wondering about my sanity.
I might have a touch of road rage, but it's the sweetest, goofiest road rage you'll experience.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Migraines
MIGRAINES.
I have lived with migraines since I was 15. I cannot remember the last day in my life when I didn't have some form of a headache. Day in and day out. Fortunately I have been able to control the mild daily pain.
It is the butt kicking, tear starting, want to pull my hair out, curl up in a ball, don't make a noise or turn on a light days that do me in.
I have noticed that certain things trigger these. Cigarette smoke, PMS and not sticking to a routine with meals and sleep are all prime triggers.
Unfortunately when I do cross that line into migraine status, it takes days for it to fade and sometimes a week or more for it to completely go away.
I am on the trail end of one right now. It ruined a good night with a great friend, although great friend said it didn't. It took almost two entire days from me, dang thief. And it steals moments randomly throughout.
I have tried so many different medications, little "tricks of the trade" and secrets people have shared with me. I tried Maxalt, Imitrex, Topamax, Zomig and Midrin. I have tried the don't eat certain foods plan and various relaxation techniques. Every over the counter migraine medicine has been ingested by me and most often all of this just triggers a rebound headache of some kind.
The only thing I have found that truly works is a good shot of Toradol, Phenergen and Benadryl. Makes me loopy and then puts me into a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I wake up a little groggy at first, but then back to normal.
Migraines are worse than any pain I have felt. By far worse than giving birth and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
I have lived with migraines since I was 15. I cannot remember the last day in my life when I didn't have some form of a headache. Day in and day out. Fortunately I have been able to control the mild daily pain.
It is the butt kicking, tear starting, want to pull my hair out, curl up in a ball, don't make a noise or turn on a light days that do me in.
I have noticed that certain things trigger these. Cigarette smoke, PMS and not sticking to a routine with meals and sleep are all prime triggers.
Unfortunately when I do cross that line into migraine status, it takes days for it to fade and sometimes a week or more for it to completely go away.
I am on the trail end of one right now. It ruined a good night with a great friend, although great friend said it didn't. It took almost two entire days from me, dang thief. And it steals moments randomly throughout.
I have tried so many different medications, little "tricks of the trade" and secrets people have shared with me. I tried Maxalt, Imitrex, Topamax, Zomig and Midrin. I have tried the don't eat certain foods plan and various relaxation techniques. Every over the counter migraine medicine has been ingested by me and most often all of this just triggers a rebound headache of some kind.
The only thing I have found that truly works is a good shot of Toradol, Phenergen and Benadryl. Makes me loopy and then puts me into a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I wake up a little groggy at first, but then back to normal.
Migraines are worse than any pain I have felt. By far worse than giving birth and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
That honest mirror
At the top of the stairs on the landing is a huge mirror. I am guessing that it is 4x8 with a gold ornate frame. After my shower, I stood in front of this mirror critiquing myself.
As I looked at my naked body, I thought back in time to when I was younger and my body was firm. I turned to and fro, checking myself out from all angles and comparing to years gone by. Over the years I have gone from a size three when I got married to my current size 14.
I have gone from small perky breasts to more full and somewhat sagging breasts. My flat stomach has been invaded by stretch marks and some soft flesh and my hips have broadened into more womanly curves. My skin is not as baby soft or silky smooth and my hair is cursed with grey here and there.
After standing for a while, I sat down in front of that honest mirror.
I touched my nipples, pulling them out and looking at them like they were the oddest things on earth. I spread my legs and gently explored, all the time my mind drifting to different moments in time. There is that scar on my knee and the cellulite on my thighs. This wasn't a sexual experience. It was just a "me" moment. A mere woman remembering, and perhaps longing a bit for the past, but ultimately accepting.
As I looked at myself, I smiled. Perfection was not looking back at me, but a beautiful, content and happy woman was. Years ago, I might have been more firm in places, but I would have never been able to sit in front of the mirror like that.
Time ages us all in various ways. For some the looks fade more quickly than others. For others the mind tends to go first. I believe I am aging gracefully in all areas. I am not afraid to admit in 25 days I will be 42.
I am a woman of today. See me for who I am and appreciate and love every part of me right this minute. I do.
So there I sat in front of that mirror pondering who I am and how I look today. I painted my toes right there and right there I put on my night cream.
Then I smiled. A goofy, wrinkled eye-twinkling, no makeup, honest to goodness just me smile.
And then I ran down the stairs like a kid, slid across the hardwood floors in the hallway and landed here on the couch to tell you all about it.
As I looked at my naked body, I thought back in time to when I was younger and my body was firm. I turned to and fro, checking myself out from all angles and comparing to years gone by. Over the years I have gone from a size three when I got married to my current size 14.
I have gone from small perky breasts to more full and somewhat sagging breasts. My flat stomach has been invaded by stretch marks and some soft flesh and my hips have broadened into more womanly curves. My skin is not as baby soft or silky smooth and my hair is cursed with grey here and there.
After standing for a while, I sat down in front of that honest mirror.
I touched my nipples, pulling them out and looking at them like they were the oddest things on earth. I spread my legs and gently explored, all the time my mind drifting to different moments in time. There is that scar on my knee and the cellulite on my thighs. This wasn't a sexual experience. It was just a "me" moment. A mere woman remembering, and perhaps longing a bit for the past, but ultimately accepting.
As I looked at myself, I smiled. Perfection was not looking back at me, but a beautiful, content and happy woman was. Years ago, I might have been more firm in places, but I would have never been able to sit in front of the mirror like that.
Time ages us all in various ways. For some the looks fade more quickly than others. For others the mind tends to go first. I believe I am aging gracefully in all areas. I am not afraid to admit in 25 days I will be 42.
I am a woman of today. See me for who I am and appreciate and love every part of me right this minute. I do.
So there I sat in front of that mirror pondering who I am and how I look today. I painted my toes right there and right there I put on my night cream.
Then I smiled. A goofy, wrinkled eye-twinkling, no makeup, honest to goodness just me smile.
And then I ran down the stairs like a kid, slid across the hardwood floors in the hallway and landed here on the couch to tell you all about it.
Thursday night, oh my!
In a few minutes I am going to go upstairs, run a bath so hot that my skin turns red and just sit in the water until I shrivel up like a prune. I'm going to pour in bubble bath and let the bubbles settle in and around all my sweet spots and just soak. On one edge of the tub will be a glass of wine and in my hands will be the book I am starting, "Wild Swans - Three Daughters of China."
After this luxuriating pleasure, I plan on lathering myself with lotion from head to toe and sitting naked in the living room while I channel surf and paint my toe nails. What color? What color? Such difficult decisions life presents me.
Moving forward a couple of hours, I am going to play dress up and figure out my wardrobe for the weekend so I'm not struggling with myself each time I go to get dressed. I hate that battle. Try this on, throw it on the floor. Slip into this, scream a bit and toss it on the bed. Nothing ever gets immediately put back on hangers or in drawers. So, with this new plan I have everything will be in order and on hangers. I can just grab hanger 1 and no changing my mind and so on and so forth throughout the weekend. YAY me for thinking ahead!
After all the dressing up and dressing down are done for the night, I plan on couch surfing to some sappy movie and let my little mind wonder wherever it may choose. I imagine before it's said and done, you will find me right back here blathering about how my panties look, what is the purpose of wearing high heels or sharing the fine details of some fantasy I created while soaking in the bath.
After this luxuriating pleasure, I plan on lathering myself with lotion from head to toe and sitting naked in the living room while I channel surf and paint my toe nails. What color? What color? Such difficult decisions life presents me.
Moving forward a couple of hours, I am going to play dress up and figure out my wardrobe for the weekend so I'm not struggling with myself each time I go to get dressed. I hate that battle. Try this on, throw it on the floor. Slip into this, scream a bit and toss it on the bed. Nothing ever gets immediately put back on hangers or in drawers. So, with this new plan I have everything will be in order and on hangers. I can just grab hanger 1 and no changing my mind and so on and so forth throughout the weekend. YAY me for thinking ahead!
After all the dressing up and dressing down are done for the night, I plan on couch surfing to some sappy movie and let my little mind wonder wherever it may choose. I imagine before it's said and done, you will find me right back here blathering about how my panties look, what is the purpose of wearing high heels or sharing the fine details of some fantasy I created while soaking in the bath.
A long awaited release
I went on the longest road trip ever today! Technically it was just about 40 minutes, but note that I had an emergency and time was moving in slow motion. As were the vehicles around me!
Every pot hole and bump put extreme pressure on my bladder. I thought for a moment that I might end up being a dribbler. Thankfully, I wasn't. I did raise my fist in frustration several times while almost screaming, "fudgin' fudge, I have to PEE!!"
I thought for certain the car in front of me heard me when I yelled, "Go, people, go!" But they didn't. The driver refused to run the red light. The other drivers refused to yield their green right of way. I'm sure if they really knew the dire predictament I was in, they would have!
My jeans were cutting into my stomach, my belt was adding additional pressure and I thought I might burst at any moment. And I was still 15 minutes from home!
I don't know why I didn't stop at McDonalds or some other quick stop. I think I was afraid that if I did and then couldn't get into a restroom that I might wet my pants right then and there in front of anyone and everyone. How embarrassing would that have been?
I finally pulled into the drive, grabbed my purse and tripped out of the car just to fumble as I opened the back fence gate. I was squeezing everything so nothing would come out as I opened the patio door. The dogs ran crazy at me so i had to throw my keys and purse at them. I had no choice (sorry dog lovers.)
As I ran up the stairs, I was undoing my belt and jeans. I skidded into the bathroom and fell on the toilet seat with a definite "ahhhhh" and "ooooohhh" as I released. I may have dribbled on my coat, that I couldn't get off beforehand, but that's a point that no one will ever really know.
It was slightly orgasmic as I sat there askew on the toilet. By this point the dogs were standing in the hallway looking at me oddly. Understandable, but I did kick the door closed.
The big finale was when I had to stretch across and down to get a new roll of tissue out of the holder and bumped my head on the counter as I was sitting back up straight. But hey, oh what a relief it was!
I did drink lots of water today, but I don't know if I have ever had to pee so badly in my entire life. I refuse to wear depends, but I will be checking routes for quick stop toilet spots!
Oh... yes, I washed my hands. :)
Every pot hole and bump put extreme pressure on my bladder. I thought for a moment that I might end up being a dribbler. Thankfully, I wasn't. I did raise my fist in frustration several times while almost screaming, "fudgin' fudge, I have to PEE!!"
I thought for certain the car in front of me heard me when I yelled, "Go, people, go!" But they didn't. The driver refused to run the red light. The other drivers refused to yield their green right of way. I'm sure if they really knew the dire predictament I was in, they would have!
My jeans were cutting into my stomach, my belt was adding additional pressure and I thought I might burst at any moment. And I was still 15 minutes from home!
I don't know why I didn't stop at McDonalds or some other quick stop. I think I was afraid that if I did and then couldn't get into a restroom that I might wet my pants right then and there in front of anyone and everyone. How embarrassing would that have been?
I finally pulled into the drive, grabbed my purse and tripped out of the car just to fumble as I opened the back fence gate. I was squeezing everything so nothing would come out as I opened the patio door. The dogs ran crazy at me so i had to throw my keys and purse at them. I had no choice (sorry dog lovers.)
As I ran up the stairs, I was undoing my belt and jeans. I skidded into the bathroom and fell on the toilet seat with a definite "ahhhhh" and "ooooohhh" as I released. I may have dribbled on my coat, that I couldn't get off beforehand, but that's a point that no one will ever really know.
It was slightly orgasmic as I sat there askew on the toilet. By this point the dogs were standing in the hallway looking at me oddly. Understandable, but I did kick the door closed.
The big finale was when I had to stretch across and down to get a new roll of tissue out of the holder and bumped my head on the counter as I was sitting back up straight. But hey, oh what a relief it was!
I did drink lots of water today, but I don't know if I have ever had to pee so badly in my entire life. I refuse to wear depends, but I will be checking routes for quick stop toilet spots!
Oh... yes, I washed my hands. :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Aunt Update
My aunt has cancer in her lungs and liver. The cancer is eating away at her wind pipes making breathing very difficult and she is losing weight fast. She has been to several doctors and all say that it is such a fast moving cancer that surgery will not help her. She just came home from the hospital again due to coughing up blood. Originally she was going to give chemo a try, but since her original diagnosis her doctors advised against it stating it will not be positive or helpful to her at this point.
For now she is home, on oxygen and with hospice, and has been advised to come back to the hospital immediately if she starts bleeding again. Her survival rate is 10%. I don't know if that is good or bad. I do suppose some survival rate is better than nothing.
My mom and I are going to see her again on Friday.
For now she is home, on oxygen and with hospice, and has been advised to come back to the hospital immediately if she starts bleeding again. Her survival rate is 10%. I don't know if that is good or bad. I do suppose some survival rate is better than nothing.
My mom and I are going to see her again on Friday.
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