So this is...

... what Tuesday feels like. Can't say I'm thrilled. Can't say I'm totally disappointed. Get back with me later in the day and I can probably make a better decision.

For now, I'm thinking about the lovely (note sarcasm) drive to work and I hear it is raining. All the freaks will be out this morning. I actually enjoy the rain. I love when it storms, the dark sky, thunder and lightning, and heavy downpour. I don't even mind getting wet as long as I don't have anywhere specific to be. Sitting at work all day soaking wet is not the best feeling in life. But, hey, I can roll with the punches if I have to.

On another note, I purchased some new foundation yesterday. I will see how it holds up and I'll write a raving review about it. I am also looking for that perfect "signature" lipstick. I realized I have about 20 different lip glosses, 10 different lipsticks and a handful of other lip implements. I can't say I love any one of them. Suggestions will be taken in the in box.

We have been given work t-shirts to wear. They sport the company name on the front and back and to be quite honest, they are awful. They're big and boxy and manly and I do not like the feel of them. Today I'm going to be a rebel and wear whatever I want to wear. Something feminine and girly. Well, at least something not so ugly. Makes me shiver thinking about them.

I did not sleep great last night. It seems like I woke up every hour thinking it was time to get up. All things considered, I feel pretty rested. I'm still waiting for my chance to be the domestic goddess, though. I will not even pretend. I was made to stay home and clean and cook and do laundry and bend over toilets and bath rubs scrubbing and dinner on the table.... you get the idea.

It is time. I guess I have to put my clothes on. I'm not sure how people would take it seeing me drive naked to work. Oh, what a giggle that creates imagining all my customers coming to my window and seeing me naked. Interesting day.

Unsettled

I feel like a new chapter is going to be starting sometime soon. My life seems to be at a crossroads and I have to decide which path to take. Unfortunately I do not see a light on either path. It's a guessing game, a toss of a coin, a magic eight ball decision.

Lately I have been feeling unsettled. I can't say I'm gloom and doom, but I do have to wonder if I'm going through some kind of depression. It isn't like I'm miserable. I laugh and enjoy many things, but it just seems there is some kind of emptiness within. Something is missing and I can't even put a finger on it.

Maybe I'm expecting too much out of life? Maybe this is all there is? Is this really the best it gets? I have to hope that it isn't. I'm not willing to settle for this life I'm living. I demand more.

I know, I make my own happiness. I have to get up and out there and be active in doing what is best for me. I'll figure it out. I'm simply pondering, wondering and guessing. It will hit me like a brick wall sooner or later.

I'll wake up one morning and a brilliant light will be shining. I'll have all the answers. Until then I'll fumble my way around in the dark. Maybe I should put on a glow stick necklace.

Morning Time

It's a peaceful beginning to my day. Everything around me is quiet except for the odd house noise or the random bark of the neighbor's dog. I enjoy this time of the day. I feel like I'm in control and yet shielded from the rest of the world. I realize there are others just like me, up and getting their morning started so early. But not here with me. My little cul-de-sac isn't alive yet so I feel like the world is mine. No one can touch me. No one can even come close. So, I enjoy it while I can. It is a contented lonely feeling. I know what is ahead of me, but right at this moment in time I don't have to face it. I am sheltered in the time between sleep and work, between reality and fantasy. This is all my time and I can do with it whatever I want.

Now or Later

The smallest tidbit of information left out, the tiniest mislead, the changing of one word..... all still rounds up to being a lie if you know the other person would want to know and you know by not telling them you're saving your butt in some way.

I am black and white on that. There is no in between area. I do not lie and I don't want to be lied to. Keep it real. Be honest. Upfront. Blunt if you so desire.

The thing is if you do this, this intentional leaving out things, sooner or later it all comes out and that makes you look bad. Even the worst of problems go over better if you're honest from the beginning. The tiniest of issues explode if you don't reveal it and someone else does.

For me, there isn't a question about now or later. Now is always better. I do suppose some people prefer to take the chance and hope it never reveals itself. Some people get lucky on a few occasions.

However, most people talk and the people they talk to, well, they talk as well. It's a circle and things get around. The bad thing is that things also can get embellished. Unfortunately, since there is a piece of truth in there it becomes almost too late for the embellishment to not be believed as well.

So, when you're trying to sugar coat something or get what you want or weasel your way out of a situation, just do it and be honest. Take ownership. You might not end up getting things your way or exactly what you want, but you will maintain your character. I might not like you or what you did, but I will respect you more for the truth.

There. That's done. My morning rant before work.

Today was my follow up visit with the surgeon.  I was so happy when the nurse took the staples out of my stomach.  The doctor says everything looks great and that I am free to go back to work on the 29th with no restrictions.  Unfortunately he didn't give me the clear to take a full-on shower or bath for a few more days.  He commented that the allergic type reaction I had to the bandages and tape looks far worse than the incisions.  I told him that they feel even worse than they look and that it is itching and burning and driving me crazy. 

So, I'm good to go, out of the clear and ready to try to get back to being me.  I am excited about returning to work and yet on another hand I'm still thinking it would be nice to just be that domestic goddess I enjoy being.  But alas, reality soaks in.

Life's Little Update

Surgery is over and it is almost time to go back to work.  I have just one more week to live the life of luxury.  That's a bit of sarcasm in case you aren't catching on.  It isn't like I was on vacation.  However, I will say it was appreciated.  My follow up visit is on Tuesday and I'm hoping it all goes well.  I do miss working, but at the same time if I really did not have to work - I would not. :)

College starts tomorrow.  I am a little nervous.  I have four classes - two online and two in the classroom.  I know I will do fine once I get over that initial period of having to use my brain and study and be organized.  It will definitely put constraints on the free time I used to have.  But I like being busy so I don't really mind.  At least sitting here typing this tonight I don't mind.  Ask me again in a couple of weeks and I might have a change in attitude.

My son and his girlfriend started the remodel on their new home today.  They are pulling up all the carpets and doing hardwood floors. Or shall I say refinishing the hardwood that is there already.  In a month or so they will be remodeling the basement which will become my happy abode for a while.

I had to take my daughter to the urgent care center today.  Her dog bit her in the cheek.  When I first saw it, I was freaked out.  She had so much blood literally pouring out of her cheek that I thought half her cheek was ripped off.  I immediately grabbed a towel and put it to her cheek, told her to get her flip flops and we had to go NOW.  Fortunately once we got there and were seen it wasn't as bad as the blood made me believe.  She's doing alright tonight and I'm relieved.

My Aunt's Passing

My aunt passed away this morning. She went into the hospital early Thursday morning with pneumonia on top of her lung cancer. At approximately 9:55 a.m. she took her last breath. It was a sad moment. As I watched her trying to breath this morning I was really upset. She was so clearly struggling and fighting for each breath she took. The doctors and nurses were doing as much as they could to keep her comfortable in her last moments.

I was amazed, and yet not so surprised, at how many people came to see her over the past two days. So many people that I hadn't seen in years and twice as many that I didn't know. These strangers to me came to see her because at some point in their life my aunt had taken them in when they had no where to go, fed them, clothed them or offered some kind of care and support. She never asked anything in return and most often I know she could have used some help herself in some way or another.

My mom, another aunt and I went shopping for her. We picked out a beautiful dress that we knew she'd love. I've learned that funerals are for the mourners, but the funeral should represent the individual. My mom and aunt were a bit upset at first that instead of flowers on the casket, my aunt expressed to have an afghan spread out on it. I had to remind them that her wishes were important and we're not out to impress anyone. A few other things came up and I believe I finally made them both understand that a funeral doesn't have to be perfect - life certainly never is - so make her (my aunt) beautiful in that last viewing and say goodbye. Grief the loss of her, not the loss of useless flowers on the casket.

Good people come and go from our life in so many ways. I'm glad I have the memories I have and cannot express the importance of spending a little time with those we care about.

A Lesson

My mother told me just yesterday that she read an article that stated how women up into their 70's and 80's still enjoy sex. The article went on to say how statistics show that many women get depressed or feel they are missing something when they go without.

This conversation took place while driving with my mom and her sister to go see my sick aunt. My mom then proceeded to tell us how long she has gone without sex. Then my aunt piped it on how long she has gone without. No wonder these women are crazy. ;)

Now keep in mind my dad passed less than a year ago. What's even worse is my aunt is still married, but they (aghast!) sleep in different beds in different rooms. I told them both I'd go find them someone to take care of their needs. I told them we could hit the toy store and purchase something fun for them. I think they were caught off guard a bit and embarrassed. They soon got over that and I couldn't believe this conversation was happening.

My aunt said she was picky. She spouted off how she would want someone sexy and fit. Of course I had to remind her that she was married and what did she really care what he looked like as long as he "gave it to her good!" She sputtered a bit and finally agreed that in that case it didn't really matter at all. I also reminded her that I personally wasn't condoning cheating, but I was all for sex and happiness, peace and love.

Since I don't really feel comfy fixing either of them up with a stud muffin, I figure the next best thing is a Hitachi Magic Wand.

So the lesson here is that if your girlfriend, your wife, your friend with benefits or whatever seems a bit off, depressed, upset or insane... give her some sex!

A Visit with My Aunt

Last week my aunt was told she had just two months to live. Then a few days later she was told that the lung cancer was simply taking over and she probably has even less time.

I decided to take my mom to visit yesterday. We stopped by her other sister's house so she could come along. During our visit, everyone cried and talked a little about memories. My aunt's voice is barely audible and quite hoarse. It's obvious how much pain she is in and she can hardly move. She had an accident while there and felt so embarrassed.

The sadness I felt yesterday while visiting my aunt was a bit different. I don't want to lose my aunt, but it wasn't as selfish of a feeling as what I felt when my dad was ill and at his passing. I felt her pain and the terrible life she has lived. It was rushing all around us in that room. I was angry that her kids let her get to that point and didn't try to make things good for her. Not that they are God and certainly not that they can make the cancer disappear. But they could be good children in her last days. It's frustrating.

Her two remaining sons have been nothing but a drain on her. Even during this time, one of her sons took her pain medicine and sold it. Idiots that should be in jail. Through it all though, she loves them both. I guess she figures at this point let it all go and love.

She told her sisters how much she misses them when they are away. She held their hands. She dozed in and out of a sleepy state most of the time. Just in the time we were there, she took numerous medicines, breathing treatments and oxygen. When asked if she was hungry, she shook her head no. But when they asked her if she wanted her favorite food, a Taco Bell meximelt, she whispered, "just one" and ate it all when they brought it back.

She didn't act upset or angry or mad. I didn't get the sense that she regretted anything in her life. I could see a little sadness in her eyes. But as sick as she is, when she smiled the room still lit up. This woman who gave and gave and took on so much from everyone, and is dying from the horrible disease of lung cancer... she smiled.

It was awesome. Goodness knows, we can all take a lesson from her.

Early Morning Interlude

She pulled into the dark parking lot and let the engine idle. Across the narrow street she could see various men going in and out of the restaurant, and she hoped none recognized her car. She felt embarrassed waiting there in the early morning darkness and yet her panties were getting damp from excitement.

It didn't take her a second to get out of her car and into his once he pulled up next to her. Sliding into the passenger seat, her face flushed and she offered him a sexy smile. Thinking of how much she wanted his dick, a small murmur escaped from deep within her throat. She tried to cover it with a cough of some sort and he simply laughed.

He just sat there and she wondered why he didn't pull away. The sun was starting to come up and she was nervous what the light would reveal to anyone paying attention. Obviously he didn't care. He unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out. She swallowed hard and looked around, shyly tucking a piece of hair behind her ears. He didn't hesitate as he grabbed her head and forced her beautiful mouth down on him. And dear almighty, she almost came right then.

Bent over the gear shift, the position was terribly uncomfortable, and yet she couldn't get enough of him. She shifted and moved, hungrily feeding on his dick there in the soon to be broad daylight. She bobbed and slobbered, letting drool spill out down her chin and over his balls. End pieces of her long hair got wet and she kept on. She wanted him deep down her throat.

Quickly he pushed her off of him, telling her to sit up and act lady-like. All this followed by his evil laugh. She pouted and grunted her disapproval as she straightened herself. Primping in the overhead mirror, she wiped a smudge of mascara from her cheek and fluffed her hair. He drove off without a word and she quietly watched him. His cock still stood free and proud. She reached over to touch him and he allowed her to stroke him a few times before he growled and told her to stop. Again, she pouted, and obeyed.

Squirming in her seat, she fidgeted with her hands, twisting her fingers and tapping her foot gently. He was driving her crazy. This fact was nothing new but always came as a surprise. She just wished he'd stop and put something in her. She didn't care which hole. She just ached and needed him.

Her mind wondered as he drove and when he stopped, she was surprised. Not really sure where they were, she couldn't see anyone or anything. However, traffic could be heard somewhere in the close proximity. He opened his door and told her to get out of the car. Instinctively she obeyed and followed him, trailing him like a sex starved slut. Her heels dug into the dirt and small pellets of gravel mixed with larger one kept her off balance.

He stopped suddenly and she bumped into the back of him. He turned and put her on her knees. It hurt as the gravel bit into her soft skin. She tried to shift, tried to pull her skirt down over her knees for protection. None of it worked. He forcefully rammed his cock in her mouth and started face fucking her. She couldn't focus, afraid someone would appear she pushed at him gently and then grabbed his ass for support. He kept fucking her face and she soon forgot anything else.

He slowly eased up and let her take over. Her left hand circled his thickness and she started slowly stroking him. Her warm mouth covered his head and with each hand stroke her mouth took him in deeper. This continued for several minutes before she let her hand fall. Wrapping both arms around his body, her fingers dug into his ass as she pulled him close, taking his cock deep down into her throat.

She gagged, relentless she kept him there and moaned as his hips thrust forward. He made noises, grunted and moaned a few times. He quickly withdrew and shot his load on her face. Unexpected and caught off guard, his cum covered parts of her cheek, nose and lips. A small drop hung from her chin. She looked up at him, wiping her chin with a finger and licking it. His eyes were shut and his hand still held his penis. She leaned in and suck his head, inspiring a shiver from him.

He helped her up and looked at her. As she stood there, he could feel his loins growling with hunger for her again already. Cum covered, hair a mess, bits of gravel embedded in her knees and clothes disheveled - the picture perfect slut for him. He grinned as she was more worried about wiping and licking the cum from her face than she was about her knees scratched and bleeding.

Just as they got back in the car, she realized that they were simply on the backside of the parking lot of his work. Anyone could have come across them. She started to get excited again. Taking her back to her car, he gave her the rules for the day. She noted them all to memory just as he all but tossed her out of his car and told her to get her slutty ass home. The walk of shame that six feet to her car felt like one hundred feet as his co-workers were coming out of the restaurant.

It has been some time since I've written anything. I took a nap earlier and now find myself unable to sleep. Morning will come early and despite the nap, I will still be tired. Doctors, hospitals, medicines, work and a few people have had me a mess since mid-February. I have another surgery scheduled for August 12 and hopefully that will be it. I am ready to be on the track to better health and a life filled without too many doctors. Although, goodness knows that lung doctor is a hot one!

Work still kicks my butt and at the end of the day I'm completely worn out. The added high temperatures and crazy humidity is enough to make me cry out for a sugar daddy! So far no one is listening, though. ;) Lately I have had to deal with idiots at work. When I first started there everyone told me it wouldn't take long for the customers to drive me insane. I think what they meant to say is that it wouldn't take long for my co-workers to make me want to curse and pull my hair out.

The men at work gossip like a bunch of bored old women on a party line phone. I am the work whore they say and apparently I am in competition with another woman there. I have never been a whore in my life. Except that one time with that one man, but then it was really more like just being his personal whore. Anyway, those men can burn up the radio and CB like there's no tomorrow. I went out with someone at work and that is where my problem started. Plus, not to mention the work ratio of man to woman is about 100 to 1. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is now the rumor is that I have a different man from work for every day of the week. What the idiots fail to realize is, I have much higher standards than that and if they really factored in how much I have been sick, I don't have the time or energy for them. I was pretty upset when I heard this rumor. Not so much because someone dared to think I might be a "whore" but because they lack the intelligence to really know me or what's the truth. I have decided they aren't worth my energy in any regard and they can say whatever they want. I know what is true. 

I am just a drifter right now in so many ways. I find myself having highs and lows and yet I'm okay with everything going on in my life and around me. I am learning new things about myself and people in general, about health issues and life.

I find myself changing and evolving. I'm still the same me, but different in some regards. My mind is a bit more open and I am certainly less judgmental. Oh, and I'm more outspoken and try much harder to not sugar coat things.

Other than that, not a lot going on. Kids are doing great. Daughter started a new job, got a new car and is doing wonderful. Son started a new job, buying a house and is doing wonderful as well. I'm so proud they're growing into such mature, responsible, content and good adults. I'm not biased either. They really are. :)

My dad's birthday and my parents anniversary has come and gone. My mom did okay through it all. She still has her moments and I know she misses him something fierce at times. She's a tough cookie and I am proud of her. She has been venturing out and doing things. This weekend we are going to visit her sister, my aunt with cancer. She was told today that she has two months. Some things in life suck.

SA - TUR - DAY

Remember the Bay City Rollers? "Gonna keep on dancing to the rock n roll..."
Well, that isn't going to be MY Saturday night. More like "Work all day, sleep all night..." I lead such a thrilling life. If it wasn't for work there would be no life at all.

Work has been consuming me and I think I need to make an adjustment if possible. I have been working anywhere from 50 to 66 hours a week. I'm too delicate for that. ;) I want to be barefoot and naked in the kitchen trying to get pregnant (and no, I can't get pregnant, don't want to... just a saying.) I want to romp on the beach and dig my toes in the sand or take a walk through a creek deep in the mountains. There are so many other things to do besides work, but alas it pays the bills and I do enjoy aspects of it.

Like right now, the moment in time when I'm ready for work but not dressed, sitting on my bed relaxing and enjoying the quiet of the morning. Or the customer that is taken back by my smile and he smiles in return, offering a kind word. Or the laughter I get when the burly men in the yard pretend to let me be the boss! It's all the simple pleasures in life.

Better take the time to enjoy them.

I went to visit my aunt today for her birthday party. She will be 69 tomorrow. When I walked in the door, I saw her before she saw me. In that brief second I felt an overwhelming sadness. She sat there in her chair looking a little tired and she only had a few tufts of hair. All of her beautiful red hair from years gone by was gone and replaced by a patch of grey here and another very thing one there.

Then she saw me and her beautiful face lit up with a smile that could light up a city. She never ceases to amaze me. As I posted previously, she's had a rough life, but my gosh she continues to smile and laugh as best she can.

The strokes, the cancer, the chemo and life in general have taken their toll on such a kind woman. It's often difficult to understand how things work, why some people and not others.

Throughout the day kids and grandkids, family and friends popped in and out bringing memories, gifts, food and hugs. Her birthday cake was pink with bright daffodils on it and a very childlike demeanor revealed itself. She was simply in awe.

At one point she called me into her room and showed me various things. She finds pleasure in the smallest and most simple things. We laughed a bit before she said that sometimes she really does want to scream and curse. I told her to feel free, just do it and let it out. She said, "I could, you know.. I could. But I won't." And that moment of anger was soon gone and she lifted her head, smiled and went on like her world was a dream and she the princess.

She showed us her hats and her favorite is a black, what I call "diva" hat with rhinestones on it. When she tried it on and did a little modeling, she actually shimmied in a dance a bit before her body reminded her those things were no longer possible.

Cancer is evil, but I'm so very happy to see that she refuses to let the evil take total control. I'm even more happy I took the time to visit. Wonderful people like her deserve the good bits of happiness they can get.

YAY for Friday

I am excited, thrilled and happy today is Friday. It has been a long week and I'm ready for the weekend and nothing. It is difficult for me to sit still at times, but I am going to relax this weekend. Come rain or shine, I am going to get take out, rent a movie or two, read a few chapters and seriously pamper myself.

My day yesterday was tough in a few ways, very nice in a few other ways, and I made it through. Bleeding and a low grade fever last night had me a little nervous, but this morning I woke feeling much better. I suppose I really should have listened when the doctor told me it could take three to four weeks before I'm completely healed and better. He knows his stuff apparently.

The weather is getting nicer and I'm ready for summer in hopes to escape a few weekends here and there. I'd love to be able to take a long vacation to the beach, preferably some isolated beach with white sand and clear blue waters. It is hard to believe we are on the way to seeing the end of March already. Time flies.

That's about all I'm feeling today. Have a good one....

Bad start to an otherwise good day. Sounds funny, huh? Toilet was filled with bright red blood this morning. That isn't suppose to be happening. Some spotting is expected, but otherwise there shouldn't be any. I have a call into the doctor.

I realize I share an awful lot and appreciate those that comment. It helps my mind stay in a good place. I can write about things, add in a little humor and n the end it makes everything appear less tragic or scary. Yes, I do scare easily.

I didn't sleep very well last night. A lot of tossing and turning, some sweating and silly dreams. I believe I am going to try to go today without taking any pain medicine. Don't know if it's going to happen, but that is my intention right this second.

I haven't been doing much and I feel quite useless. I do realize rest is important and that lifting is a definite no-no. I just feel like I should be more productive. Lounging around is strange for me for the most part. I'm not above relaxing, but I tend to hop up and down a lot as well.

On a good note, today is going to be a beautiful day, no rain in the forecast (oh, please don't have let it change again) and tomorrow I'm having dinner with a good friend, will see my kids the weekend and am going to the library. I love the library. The atmosphere, the smell of books, the feel of the books are all things that give me a peaceful feeling. Bookstores do the same thing, although I prefer the crammed packed used bookstores over the modern day version.

So anyway, that's my morning so far summed up in a few paragraphs of words on a screen. I hope that your morning has started and you're smiling with some kind of warmth in your heart and a glow on your cheeks.

Update on Me

I am home from the hospital tonight and now find myself unable to sleep because I'm a little high on medicine and I'm also half waiting and expecting a nurse to come wake me up every hour to check my vitals.

I have had a rough time of it lately. Last Thursday found me bleeding rectally so much that a clean up crew had to be called in and I'm vomiting and passing out. A trip to the hospital left me with gall stones, diverticulitis, the reminder of spots on my lung, uterine fibroids and a nervous state of mind.

The very next day I saw the radiologist and GI doctors. I had a colonoscopy on Tuesday and saw the pulminary doctor on Wednesday. They removed a few polyps and sent them off to the lab. The lung doctor confirmed a bad thing in that the spots are not calcified, but a good thing they have smooth edges. I have to have another scan done in a month to confirm whether they are active or inactive. Overall I was feeling a little better until Thursday when I started having more rectal bleeding and severe pain.

I was sent to the ER Thursday night and the ER doctor attempted to work on my bottom. He was trying to cut open a hemorrhoid. He numbed the area and then started working on it. He shot it with a very thin needle three times and good lord, I thought I was going to pass out. I was shaking and bit my hand so hard to just try not to move. Fortunately he realized it wasn't going to work and stopped after about 5 minutes.

From there I was admitted and scheduled for surgery early Friday morning. I was hurting severely, but immediately was given pain medicine. The surgeon was an hour late due to the surgery he had before. Finally it happened, though. The deeply rooted, very thick bulging hemorrhoid and blood clot were taken care of. Before you know it I was back in my room and higher than a kite on a windy day.

Apparently I sent quite a few text messages during this time. I do remember taking pictures of myself and the hospital room, but don't really recall the text messages. I was enlightened later, though. Some funny stuff. Maybe. I don't think I should quit my day job, but pain medicine can really knock me for a loop.
Thanks to those that received my pictures and texts with humor and understanding.

I finally came home this evening and have been resting as much as possible. Can't go back to work right away and on strick orders for no strenuous activity and no lifting for several weeks. I can handle that.

I'm hoping that I'm on the mend medically. My body has been poked and prodded so much that I have lost my dignity and have become totally shameless in just putting it out there.

I hate needles and can count 10 needle spots on my arms, along with a few bruises, and I'm just not happy about it. I'm anxious to get the polyp results on Wednesday and the next scan for the spots on my lungs. Once that is over, I will be able to relax a bit.

The gall stone issue isn't a real issue right now unless I have upper stomach pain. The diverticulitis is just a matter of some antibiotics and diet changes. I can handle that. It doesn't involve needles.

Right now my bottom is so sore that it is radiating across my ass cheeks and up through my rectum and pelvis area. I can barely walk and it is with a weird limp.

I'm in good spirits. I had great visits from great people as well as a lot of texting to keep me company. I appreciate it and you.

I did have an awkward moment when the nurse taking care of me before my surgery turned out to be one of my son's friends that he went to school with and played ball with. A little weird having him see me and touch me. He seemed fine with it. Then on my last day my CNA was one of my daughter's friends. Thanks hospital stay for making me feel old.

All in all, a marvelous weekend.

Thursday morning arrived bright and early.  I was up at 4:00 a.m. and off to work at 5:00 a.m.  About 10:30 a.m. that morning I'm standing at work and feel something wet.  I reach behind me, touch my butt and my hand is covered in bright red blood.  I am a little freaked out.  My supervisor comes to replace me and I head off to the restroom to figure out what is going on.

Once in the restroom I realize I have rectal bleeding and an awful lot.  It takes me about 20 minutes to get it slowed enough to be able to put a pad on and stand up.  By this time I'm feeling a little dizzy and nauseous, but I go back to my work station and things appear to be fine for about an hour.

This time there is blood dripping on the floor and I'm vomiting within about five minutes and nearly passing out.  My work station has to be cleaned up and sterilized.  I'm carted off to the hospital where I have to wait in the waiting room for almost three hours before I am seen.  I vomit in the waiting room, bleed on the chair and am white as a ghost.  Admittedly, they were packed, but I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to sit there like that.

Once back in an actual room, the nurse immediately puts in an IV and the doctor is quickly back to see me. I can't stand needles and usually it takes the nurse several attempts before it all goes well.  This nurse was great and needed only one try.  It worked perfect and just a tiny bruise from it today.

The doctor presses around on my stomach and I have severe pain on my left side that makes me bite my lip.  At this point I am told to roll over onto my left side while he looks at my butt.  Then he informs me that he will be inserting his finger to feel around.  Anal virgin here so thank goodness he used lube.  It hurt like crazy.  Maybe he had a big finger.  Maybe I have a tight ass.  Perhaps I'm just not feeling good.

He says he believes I might have diverticulitis and explains to me what it is.  He orders a CBC blood test and about an hour later I'm told that my white blood count are high and my red blood count is low.  From here I am told I am going to be sent over for a CT scan.  The nurse comes in and hands me a drink and tells me to drink it all, that it will run through my system and help things show up on the scan.  I finish it and then she hands me an entire pitcher of it to drink.  It didn't taste bad, but it was just to much too fast and it made me feel even more nauseous.  I have to wait an hour for this to work through my system before I can get the scan done.

I just want to sleep, but between the pain, bleeding and crazy ER noise, I just can't do it.  The hour passed slowly and finally I was taken over for the scan.  Once there the tech put something called "contrast" in my IV and told me it would make me feel warm.  Boy, did it!  It started in my chest, went down through my stomach and spread between my legs.  A light fire feeling that didn't last very long, though, and about 15 minutes later back to the ER I go.

Perhaps an hour later the doctor comes in and informs me that yes, I do have diverticulitis.  I have gall stones.  I have four spots on my lungs.  And he feels certain I have polyps. He asked me when I had last eaten or drank anything.  I hadn't had anything since Wednesday around 7:00 p.m.  So, there I stay in the hospital until around 8:00 a.m. I am told to drink this bottle of wonderfully delicious (note sarcasm) white stuff and sent off to the radiologist for a PET scan.  I'm there for three hours.  From there I go to the gastroentologist to schedule a colonoscopy.  Said colonoscopy scheduled for Tuesday morning.  Starting Sunday morning I cannot have anything except liquid and even that is limited.

Late Friday night I had another bleeding incident.  Around 9:00 p.m. I all of a sudden had very sharp pains in my stomach that left me doubled over and crying.  About 2 minutes later I was bleeding again.  Another trip to the hospital and six hours later I am home again with another prescription and specific instructions on what to do should it happen again.

I have two antiobiotics, two pain pills, a stool softener, and something for anemia.  I have two bottles of stuff that I have to drink from Monday to Tuesday morning to clean me out.

It's 4:16 p.m. Saturday and since 4:00 a.m. on Thursday I have had about 4 hours sleep, I have bags under my eyes and I am exhausted.  I'm worried and naturally my research online has just left me withering away to nothing in a few days so I stopped that.

I received a lot of information from the ER, the Gastroentologist and the Radiologist.  I have to follow up with my doctor about the gall stones and see a lung doctor on Thursday regarding the spots on my lungs.

My Getaway

The apartment I live in has three floors.  The basement is a walkout. The first floor is entered through the front door into the foyer with a dining room, half bath, kitchen and living room with a balcony off of it.  The top floor has two bedrooms and two baths.  My bedroom has two windows that are right above the balcony.

I know you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this.  There is a reason.

I have terrible dreams sometimes.  They wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes crying and with a difficulty getting back to sleep.  This has been happening all week.

Throw on top of it all the fact that I have been hearing strange noises randomly for a few weeks and that I somehow cannot stop thinking about movies like "The Panic Room" and "The Shining", and I'm scared.

So scared in fact that I put my purse by my bed and have mastered a plan that allows me to hang out my bedroom window and jump down onto the balcony, slide cat-like along the rail to the privacy fence and all but somersault down to the drive where the car sits.

I was telling my son this tonight and he got a great laugh out of it and then admitted that it was a good plan if I could put it into action fast enough.

I should probably do a test run on it, but I think the neighbors might think I'm a bit "touched" if they see me doing this.  Some might consider me "touched" just from the mere thought of it all.  

It's a getaway plan that's always good to have just in case for various reasons.  I know it sounds a little crazy and I shouldn't be that scared, but it is what it is. My mind is always going in one direction or another, sometimes at the same time.

Road Rage

I rarely curse. The words just don't seem natural coming out of my mouth. On an occasion I'll do so when repeating a story or some thing someone said or if I am extremely mad. I realized driving home today that holds true except when I'm driving alone.


I was turning left and waited for the pedestrians to walk then proceeded to turn only to be stopped by three people walking out between cars. "Dang Ding-Bats! Crosswalks, ya know!" Later on the expressway someone drives all the way up the middle lane in order to be in front of the line in the right lane instead of waiting patiently like everyone else. "Seriously! Fudgin' Freaks!!"

I'm stating these things out loud, in my car, driving down the road. This is how it goes...

Driving
"I love Rock n Roll" (That's me singing)
Left turn
Pause
Pedestrians go
Forward on the gas
Hit the brakes
Pedestrians sneak out between cars
"Dang Ding-bats! Crosswalks, ya know!!"
"Put a dime in the jukebox, baby!" (me singing again)

I'm like a three ring circus in my car. If you were a little birdy I am certain you'd crack up as you look at me cross-eyed wondering about my sanity.

I might have a touch of road rage, but it's the sweetest, goofiest road rage you'll experience.

Migraines

MIGRAINES.

I have lived with migraines since I was 15. I cannot remember the last day in my life when I didn't have some form of a headache. Day in and day out.  Fortunately I have been able to control the mild daily pain.

It is the butt kicking, tear starting, want to pull my hair out, curl up in a ball, don't make a noise or turn on a light days that do me in.

I have noticed that certain things trigger these. Cigarette smoke, PMS and not sticking to a routine with meals and sleep are all prime triggers.

Unfortunately when I do cross that line into migraine status, it takes days for it to fade and sometimes a week or more for it to completely go away.

I am on the trail end of one right now. It ruined a good night with a great friend, although great friend said it didn't. It took almost two entire days from me, dang thief. And it steals moments randomly throughout.

I have tried so many different medications, little "tricks of the trade" and secrets people have shared with me. I tried Maxalt, Imitrex, Topamax, Zomig and Midrin. I have tried the don't eat certain foods plan and various relaxation techniques. Every over the counter migraine medicine has been ingested by me and most often all of this just triggers a rebound headache of some kind.

The only thing I have found that truly works is a good shot of Toradol, Phenergen and Benadryl. Makes me loopy and then puts me into a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I wake up a little groggy at first, but then back to normal.

Migraines are worse than any pain I have felt. By far worse than giving birth and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

That honest mirror

At the top of the stairs on the landing is a huge mirror. I am guessing that it is 4x8 with a gold ornate frame. After my shower, I stood in front of this mirror critiquing myself.

As I looked at my naked body, I thought back in time to when I was younger and my body was firm. I turned to and fro, checking myself out from all angles and comparing to years gone by. Over the years I have gone from a size three when I got married to my current size 14.

I have gone from small perky breasts to more full and somewhat sagging breasts. My flat stomach has been invaded by stretch marks and some soft flesh and my hips have broadened into more womanly curves. My skin is not as baby soft or silky smooth and my hair is cursed with grey here and there.

After standing for a while, I sat down in front of that honest mirror.

I touched my nipples, pulling them out and looking at them like they were the oddest things on earth. I spread my legs and gently explored, all the time my mind drifting to different moments in time. There is that scar on my knee and the cellulite on my thighs. This wasn't a sexual experience. It was just a "me" moment. A mere woman remembering, and perhaps longing a bit for the past, but ultimately accepting.

As I looked at myself, I smiled. Perfection was not looking back at me, but a beautiful, content and happy woman was. Years ago, I might have been more firm in places, but I would have never been able to sit in front of the mirror like that.

Time ages us all in various ways. For some the looks fade more quickly than others. For others the mind tends to go first. I believe I am aging gracefully in all areas. I am not afraid to admit in 25 days I will be 42.

I am a woman of today. See me for who I am and appreciate and love every part of me right this minute. I do.

So there I sat in front of that mirror pondering who I am and how I look today. I painted my toes right there and right there I put on my night cream.

Then I smiled. A goofy, wrinkled eye-twinkling, no makeup, honest to goodness just me smile.

And then I ran down the stairs like a kid, slid across the hardwood floors in the hallway and landed here on the couch to tell you all about it.

Thursday night, oh my!

In a few minutes I am going to go upstairs, run a bath so hot that my skin turns red and just sit in the water until I shrivel up like a prune. I'm going to pour in bubble bath and let the bubbles settle in and around all my sweet spots and just soak. On one edge of the tub will be a glass of wine and in my hands will be the book I am starting, "Wild Swans - Three Daughters of China."


After this luxuriating pleasure, I plan on lathering myself with lotion from head to toe and sitting naked in the living room while I channel surf and paint my toe nails. What color? What color? Such difficult decisions life presents me.

Moving forward a couple of hours, I am going to play dress up and figure out my wardrobe for the weekend so I'm not struggling with myself each time I go to get dressed. I hate that battle. Try this on, throw it on the floor. Slip into this, scream a bit and toss it on the bed. Nothing ever gets immediately put back on hangers or in drawers. So, with this new plan I have everything will be in order and on hangers. I can just grab hanger 1 and no changing my mind and so on and so forth throughout the weekend. YAY me for thinking ahead!

After all the dressing up and dressing down are done for the night, I plan on couch surfing to some sappy movie and let my little mind wonder wherever it may choose. I imagine before it's said and done, you will find me right back here blathering about how my panties look, what is the purpose of wearing high heels or sharing the fine details of some fantasy I created while soaking in the bath.

A long awaited release

I went on the longest road trip ever today! Technically it was just about 40 minutes, but note that I had an emergency and time was moving in slow motion. As were the vehicles around me!

Every pot hole and bump put extreme pressure on my bladder. I thought for a moment that I might end up being a dribbler. Thankfully, I wasn't. I did raise my fist in frustration several times while almost screaming, "fudgin' fudge, I have to PEE!!"

I thought for certain the car in front of me heard me when I yelled, "Go, people, go!" But they didn't. The driver refused to run the red light. The other drivers refused to yield their green right of way. I'm sure if they really knew the dire predictament I was in, they would have!

My jeans were cutting into my stomach, my belt was adding additional pressure and I thought I might burst at any moment. And I was still 15 minutes from home!

I don't know why I didn't stop at McDonalds or some other quick stop. I think I was afraid that if I did and then couldn't get into a restroom that I might wet my pants right then and there in front of anyone and everyone. How embarrassing would that have been?

I finally pulled into the drive, grabbed my purse and tripped out of the car just to fumble as I opened the back fence gate. I was squeezing everything so nothing would come out as I opened the patio door. The dogs ran crazy at me so i had to throw my keys and purse at them. I had no choice (sorry dog lovers.)

As I ran up the stairs, I was undoing my belt and jeans. I skidded into the bathroom and fell on the toilet seat with a definite "ahhhhh" and "ooooohhh" as I released. I may have dribbled on my coat, that I couldn't get off beforehand, but that's a point that no one will ever really know.

It was slightly orgasmic as I sat there askew on the toilet. By this point the dogs were standing in the hallway looking at me oddly. Understandable, but I did kick the door closed.

The big finale was when I had to stretch across and down to get a new roll of tissue out of the holder and bumped my head on the counter as I was sitting back up straight. But hey, oh what a relief it was!

I did drink lots of water today, but I don't know if I have ever had to pee so badly in my entire life. I refuse to wear depends, but I will be checking routes for quick stop toilet spots!

Oh... yes, I washed my hands. :)

Aunt Update

My aunt has cancer in her lungs and liver. The cancer is eating away at her wind pipes making breathing very difficult and she is losing weight fast. She has been to several doctors and all say that it is such a fast moving cancer that surgery will not help her. She just came home from the hospital again due to coughing up blood. Originally she was going to give chemo a try, but since her original diagnosis her doctors advised against it stating it will not be positive or helpful to her at this point.


For now she is home, on oxygen and with hospice, and has been advised to come back to the hospital immediately if she starts bleeding again. Her survival rate is 10%. I don't know if that is good or bad. I do suppose some survival rate is better than nothing.

My mom and I are going to see her again on Friday.

I have an aunt that lives in a small town.  It's probably still the old fashioned, close-minded town that it has always been.  One summer I spent some time with my aunt there. During my visit I spent most of my time at the local swimming pool, hiding out in the library or with my aunt in her kitchen.  She was an amazing cook and I would go help her make bread.  I can still picture the two of us in her kitchen.

This aunt was the most kind hearted lady I've ever known.  She'd never hurt a flea.  From the time I can  remember she has had a hard, difficult and trying life.  They were always poor and also lived fairly dirty.  I was always uncomfortable when we went to her house because of the filth.  We (my parents and siblings) would find a place to sit and stay there until we left, or the kids would all be outside.  During this specific summer for some reason I'm unclear of, her home was not the normal filth.  I'm sure it wasn't clean by my standards today or most people's, but it was better and this enabled me to enjoy the bread making and time with her.

Over the years nothing changed.  My aunt and her family remained poor and mostly dirty.  She had four
kids, my cousins.  Three boys and a girl who fell in as the third child.  As life passed and we grew older it was obvious the oldest boy and youngest boy were going to be a handful.  The handful soon changed into trouble.  They were always doing something.  Sometimes it was just boyhood misbehaving and other times it was more serious illegal stuff.

About ten years ago my aunt lost her second son in an accident.  He had made a decent life for himself,
joined the military and was living a good life.  The motorcycle accident was very bad and his funeral was a closed casket.  I cannot imagine the feeling of losing a child.  My aunt was living this.

Sadly and tragically, seven months later she lost her daughter and unborn grandchild to a drunk driver.  Once again, I couldn't imagine this loss.  Being a mother, I'm really unsure how she remained so sane through this.

For such tragedy to happen to her in such a short amount of time was unbelievable.  But she continued on.  She had two other children to love and help guide.  The two other children were soon to prove quite a burden on her and my uncle.  Throughout several years these two boys were in and out of jail, stole from their parents and generally put them through terrible times.

Unfortunately my aunt devoted herself to these two boys.  Perhaps it was craziness or simple a mother's
love or in her specific, a need to protect what she had left after having experienced such loss.  Always trying and protecting, making excuses for her two remaining sons, a couple years later left her almost speechless, limping and crippled in her right arm and hand from two strokes.  So many people would give up and become depressed, bitter and blaming the world at this point. But my aunt did not.  She always had a smile when you saw her.  Maybe somewhere inside she was hurting and perhaps bitter and blaming, but if so, it would be a surprise.  We never saw a glimpse of it.

After her strokes, she lost her husband to cancer.  Now here was this beautiful sweet lady left in the world with two sons to care for her.  They abused her, left her hungry and cold a times, stole from her, didn't take care of her properly.  My mom and my aunt tried to take her in and then tried to get her set up in a small apartment in an assisted living complex.  No amount of trying would convince her.  Her "boys" needed her and she wasn't leaving them.  As the years passed, her boys were in and out of jail and gave her 6 grandkids that were left in her care half the time.

To me it seemed like such a hard life.  Burden after burden put upon her and yet she was steadfast loyal
and loving to her family and never got down.

My aunt went to the doctor last Monday for a cold and was given medicine.  This medicine didn't help and
a few days later she was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia.  This might be the most lucky thing for
her in years. Time will tell. While in the hospital they took routine x-rays and found a huge mass on her lung and after further examination found another mass on her liver.  Right now they are leaning towards 90% cancerous.  She has doctor appointments this week and next.

My mom, my sister and I went to visit her on Saturday.  We walked in the door to find this grey haired lady looking a little worse for wear.  But when she realized it was us, her entire face lit up and she started crying and smiling from ear to ear.  She repeated over and over how happy she was to see us and how she had missed us.

At some point everyone went into the bedroom to talk to my cousin about his mom's condition.  I stayed
with her at the kitchen table.  It was wonderful.  We laughed and cried.  She was sad for a bit when she
spoke of her lost children, mentioning how it is so hard and she never forgets.  But she quickly moved
past it and spoke of her desire to get her hair cut and washed.  I teased her telling her we will find her a hot handsome male nurse to take care of her.  She looked confused for a moment, then her face lit up and she tossed her hand up in the air, stating "To hell with it, if he's be okay with it then so would she."  And then she just laughed.  She told me how much she loved her coffee.  The things she spoke of were simple and yet obviously joyous things to her.

Our visit lasted a while longer.  There was a lot of laughter and some tears.  My aunt was unable to attend my dad's funeral and she loved him so much.  She apologized over and over for that.  We spoke of old memories.  It was a great visit.  She'd get frustrated when she couldn't get out exactly what she wanted to say.  Her face would contort and you could tell she was trying so hard.  She always figured it out and communication was not an issue.

We promised her we'd come back and soon.

I don't know what lord or god she believes in.  I don't know what faith or spirituality she thinks of.  But I sincerely hope that everyone that comes in contact with her throughout her illness and the rest of her days remember that she is such a lovely woman and that they all take the best care of her possible.  I learned something from her that day.  Our live is what we make it.  We all come across our own trials and tribulations, but it is how we react and respond and move forward that defines us.  We can choose the path of self-pity and depression or we can take something good out of it all and smile, moving on with as positive attitude as we can.  Sometimes we get what we asked for, good or bad, and other times everything is out of our control.  But our internal happiness, the fondness for good times and joy for life, are things we can control.

My short version story here of her life is very limited and small telling in the big scheme of what her life really was.  For every huge tragedy she experienced there were a thousand small ones she conquered every day of her life.

I felt her smiles and happiness.  I felt her loss and sorrow.  I sat there and remembered life with her and was amazed at her strength and will.  As I walked out the door, I felt love and compassion. I am going back to see her again this week. If she hasn't gotten that haircut yet, I'm going to take her.  I realized sitting there at that kitchen table that we're all growing older and we need to appreciate, value and take the time to see the people we love.

We all have some power and it is time we start exercising it.  At least, I know it is for me.

Busy Beaver

I have been on my knees cleaning the kitchen floor, sprawled across the bathroom tub and been half in the kitchen cabinets.  I have used a full size vacuum and a mini-dustbuster.  I have cooked a hash brown casserole, have another in the oven, made a cake, drank 4 ounces of coca-cola and 24 ounces of water.  I've contemplated a glass of wine, written a couple blog posts, applied for three jobs, exchanged messages with two people, talked to both my children and my mom. I've thought of the Bossman and taken the dogs for a walk.

I loaded the dishwasher, watched 5 minutes of a movie, turned on my country music, shed a few tears, thought of my dad, tossed out some moldy bread and went to the restroom three times. I did a load of laundry, wiped down the cabinets, packed a bag of clothes to give away, and brought in the trash can. 50 crunches, 10 push ups and 20 squats later I'm sitting on the love seat wondering what else there is for me to do today.

I imagine I'll cook something else.  I'm going strong on my "meals on wheels" and really just like cooking.  I still have another load of laundry, need to change the sheets on my bed, take the dogs for another walk, feed the cat, clean the downstairs bathroom, drink that glass of wine, shower and get cleaned up for the munch tonight.  Somewhere in there I'll problem do a much more feminine Tom Cruise imitation and dance across the living room floor in my t-shirt and socks.  It's so much fun on the hardwood floors.  I hope the neighbors enjoy it.

I'm like a little jack in the box.  I sit still long enough for the lid to be closed and then ta-da I'm right back up as soon as my mind gets cranked on something else to do.  I stay up late and get up early.  I'm the energizer bunny without the ears and fluffy tail.

Introvert

This is NOT my writing, but it is me.  Credit and thanks given to "About.com"
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Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness.  Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind.  They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings.  They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy.  This is true even if they have good social skills.  After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression.  It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desires to be quietly introspective.

Being introspetive, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations.  However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.