Tough time

My dad will be taken off all machines on Friday morning. My mom would really just like to take him home and those are his wishes as well. All doctors, nurses, respiratory staff and everyone feel he won't make it through the day. For those of you that know my dad he's a fighter and I like to think positive if only so that he may fall to rest in the comforts of his own home. The strange thing is that today he looks more handsome and better than he has in such a long, long time.

My mom and I went to the funeral home yesterday morning and made all of the arrangements. It was tough when we actually had to pick out a casket. I want my mom to be able to mourn without anything in the way. I believe while this was probably one of the toughest things she has ever had to do, she feels a little peace with having it done.

We've been sorting through pictures for a video and it has been amazing. We've all laughed and cried so many times as we sifted through the memories out loud. So many... I know I'm extremely thankful for the time we had to create them.

We had a busy, difficult day yesterday. Meetings with Hospice, doctors and social workers kept emotions high and flying in so many directions.

My family and I were presented with three options for my dad. First we were told he cannot survive without being on life support. He will never come off of it. My dad expressed his desires some time ago and living on a machine is not what he wants.

Option one is sending him to a nursing home to live out his life on a ventilator. Stuck in a bed, staring at a wall, away from home with strangers was ruled out.

Option two is sending him home on a ventilator. In order for this to happen at least 4 family members have to be trained and certified to take care of him. The electric company has to inspect the electric to make sure it is completely up to code. A generator has to be purchased. 24 hour care is required. All again for him to be stuck in a bed, staring in space, unable to talk or do anything.

Neither option one or two is really an option.

Option three is take him off the ventilator, get him home to the comforts of his own surroundings with the assistance of Hospice.

After long discussions and really just taking into fact what dad wants, we decided to take him home off the ventilator. His lung doctor says that they will have to keep him in the hospital for a few more days and make sure that he has not caught another case of pneumonia and then the ventilator will be turned off.

I know in my heart that dad wants to just be home. He has expressed so much lately how worn out and tired he is. His body is far too weak and with only 1/8 of one lung, he simply cannot keep up with his breathing to keep the carbon dioxide down and maintain enough oxygen.

The downside to this decision is that he simply may not survive the ambulance ride home. If he does, he may live an hour or a day. I really hope that he makes it home to the comfort of his chair. Other than this hospital stay, he has not had pain. This time around his back and hips have been hurting from being in bed and his neck is swollen and sore. All of his doctors feel fairly certain that he won't have any pain and believe he'll probably just fall asleep.

This morning he is getting a doppler test to check for blood clots in his arm. It is terribly swollen and seeping. He is being fed a steady stream of medicine to keep him comfortable. We are all thankful for this.

Four years ago when my mom found him unconscious on father's day we all thought we were going to lose him then. He has been in and out of the hospital since. He is definitely a fighter. It's sad to see him like this. It hurts and leaves a knot in my throat.

Love is just doing what is best for the one you love and taking out all selfish needs. My dad is a totally rocking, awesome dad and is very much loved.